It seems that I can't quite keep up with this.....
I come back around every year or so it seems.... Maybe if I had kept up with it, I'd have had an easier time getting through things.
I re-read my last entry and decided to pick up from there...even though no one else reads this, I figure that might be best.
Its funny how things weigh on ones mind...and then how quickly those things fade away.
Addressing those things that I last wrote: First, I still can't imagine what my sister and brother in law went through with the premature birth of my nephew; however, by God's grace, Collin is thriving and a happy boy! You can read about their whole journey at: Collinmadison.blogspot.com . In fact, we were able to see God's plan through it...as Collin was born in November instead of his due date of the following February, which allowed for my sister to get pregnant again! Collin was three months old when she conceived They now have a beautiful daughter, Delaney, who is 1 year and 15 days younger than Collin. You can see her growth at: Delaneymmadison.blogspot.com
As for the concerns about the lost and my future...those things are still concerns, but not as much. I'm no longer concerned about my future with Nick, because I have seen God move swiftly in his life. Nick has grown in his faith immensely; seeking God daily and desiring to grow more. Nick has become the rock and leader that I have always wanted and needed. He has led me back to the cross many times over this past year when I have become lost and blind. I am so grateful for him and to Him. In fact, our future is looking pretty bright, as we are getting married in just over two months! You can visit our website here: www.weddingwire.com/NickandAubrey .
As for the other stuff, my heart still gets weighed down when I think about the lost; how misguided and hard-hearted people become. The thing is, it hasn't been on my mind as much, as my heart itself has become rather hardened. Over the past two years, I have let fear and anxiety run my life. I know that it is by God's grace that I've made it through the toughest spots (that I know of). Due to the fear and anxiety, I have become quite calloused to the sin in my life and also more hardened toward the world. My relationship with God has become fairly non-existent, yet I still have this love/concern/passion/desire/faith/belief that won't let me go..which I am very thankful for. The desire is there to grow and become on fire again, its the motivation and action that is lacking...and I get discouraged so easily.
If anyone out there does read this, please pray that I would start to focus on the positive in life; that I would recognize the beauty and grace God has given me in life and not get so disheveled over small things. Pray that the motivation and action would begin and that I bear fruit once again.
Thanks.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Thursday, August 08, 2013
Thursday, November 10, 2011
..."A Future and a Hope."
There just so happens to be roughly a million things on my mind... Things I am feeling so burdened about. They mostly have to do with my family, both current and potential future, and also my standing or relationship with God. Rather than worrying and asking for things through prayer for myself, I'm realizing more and more that even if it effects me, its not all about me. Also, that my prayer life and perspective need to change. Here are a few of those million things...
First thing on my mind is my nephew Collin. He is my first nephew and first baby in the family. He was born 15 week prematurely and it has been a struggle since his birth for him. He has had good days for sure, but there continue to be different challenges each day. I cannot even fathom what my sister or brother-in-law are going through, with their child's health in jeopardy. Then again..at the same time, as much as I adore children and he's my own blood, its hard to grasp the concept of everything, because I'm so far away. I ask people to pray, but I find that I do not pray enough myself.
Second thing on my mind is the lost... specifically those in my family who don't know Christ. Even more specific, Nick's brother. I've now had two conversations with him, and over those four plus hours, we've gone round and round, debating things of this world and the heavenly realm. Although I do not know all of the specifics, his life has been extremely rough, which has left his view of God completely skewed and himself, damaged. When I hear him talk about the things he believes, (or the things he doesn't believe), it makes my heart sad. How can someone be so broken that they've turned their back on God and refuse to see the truth? I find myself needing to defend everything I believe, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, but I don't know how to present things in a gentle way and I never have. I get fired up and can't back down. Presenting what I would call truth, is one of the few times I become passionate. He calls himself a "man of facts" but disregards the facts I present to him. I leave the conversations discouraged and sad for the lack of what he is able to see. Surely won't the God that I know, the ONE TRUE God, heal him and draw him back to Himself?
This leads me to the third thing racing around in my mind; that which is my future. Now that I am in a relationship, I find myself thinking of my future often; some of it is pleasant and even encourages hope and joy in my life. Some of it discourages me and makes me wonder if I'm making the right decisions. When I say "right", I mean those that are most pleasing to God; for no matter my future, that is my utmost calling. Due to the previous paragraph, I find myself heavy-laden with the situation of my relationship. Nick's brother has played such an influential role in his life. He has helped to mold Nick's ideas and view of the world,while Nick has still held on to God. In Nick's world, there is room for both God and some of his brother's views...and this scares me. A month a go, I was ready to be engaged...now I'm wondering if we could work? I am worried beyond belief that if Nick and I marry, his brother will have more influence over him than I do. I do not mean this as a matter of control, but that I'm frightened of who Nick will allow to pour into his life and what that would mean for our marriage and our children.There are some foundational things in our faith, how to run our future family, and who we are as people that we don't see eye to eye on. Some of it I know I could let go; they aren't important, but some I can't budge on. I hope that whoever Nick chooses to allow to pour into his life, it'll be someone that makes him more Christ like and that that would be his desire.
As I look at all of these things racing in my mind, weighing on my heart, and grieving my spirit, I'm realizing the true issues. Rather than asking for prayer from others I need to be doing it myself; and not a half-hearted, empty prayer, but on my knees/tears streaming kind of prayer; to be completely moved by the Spirit. Also, my issue is faith. I forget the power of God frequently. I see situations like the ones above and my faith waivers as I can't figure out how to solve them. I need to remember that its not me who can work in these situations, but God. It's not my work that will move them, but the work of the cross.
He has set my path before the foundations of the Earth and however this turns out, it will be for my good and for His glory.
First thing on my mind is my nephew Collin. He is my first nephew and first baby in the family. He was born 15 week prematurely and it has been a struggle since his birth for him. He has had good days for sure, but there continue to be different challenges each day. I cannot even fathom what my sister or brother-in-law are going through, with their child's health in jeopardy. Then again..at the same time, as much as I adore children and he's my own blood, its hard to grasp the concept of everything, because I'm so far away. I ask people to pray, but I find that I do not pray enough myself.
Second thing on my mind is the lost... specifically those in my family who don't know Christ. Even more specific, Nick's brother. I've now had two conversations with him, and over those four plus hours, we've gone round and round, debating things of this world and the heavenly realm. Although I do not know all of the specifics, his life has been extremely rough, which has left his view of God completely skewed and himself, damaged. When I hear him talk about the things he believes, (or the things he doesn't believe), it makes my heart sad. How can someone be so broken that they've turned their back on God and refuse to see the truth? I find myself needing to defend everything I believe, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, but I don't know how to present things in a gentle way and I never have. I get fired up and can't back down. Presenting what I would call truth, is one of the few times I become passionate. He calls himself a "man of facts" but disregards the facts I present to him. I leave the conversations discouraged and sad for the lack of what he is able to see. Surely won't the God that I know, the ONE TRUE God, heal him and draw him back to Himself?
This leads me to the third thing racing around in my mind; that which is my future. Now that I am in a relationship, I find myself thinking of my future often; some of it is pleasant and even encourages hope and joy in my life. Some of it discourages me and makes me wonder if I'm making the right decisions. When I say "right", I mean those that are most pleasing to God; for no matter my future, that is my utmost calling. Due to the previous paragraph, I find myself heavy-laden with the situation of my relationship. Nick's brother has played such an influential role in his life. He has helped to mold Nick's ideas and view of the world,while Nick has still held on to God. In Nick's world, there is room for both God and some of his brother's views...and this scares me. A month a go, I was ready to be engaged...now I'm wondering if we could work? I am worried beyond belief that if Nick and I marry, his brother will have more influence over him than I do. I do not mean this as a matter of control, but that I'm frightened of who Nick will allow to pour into his life and what that would mean for our marriage and our children.There are some foundational things in our faith, how to run our future family, and who we are as people that we don't see eye to eye on. Some of it I know I could let go; they aren't important, but some I can't budge on. I hope that whoever Nick chooses to allow to pour into his life, it'll be someone that makes him more Christ like and that that would be his desire.
As I look at all of these things racing in my mind, weighing on my heart, and grieving my spirit, I'm realizing the true issues. Rather than asking for prayer from others I need to be doing it myself; and not a half-hearted, empty prayer, but on my knees/tears streaming kind of prayer; to be completely moved by the Spirit. Also, my issue is faith. I forget the power of God frequently. I see situations like the ones above and my faith waivers as I can't figure out how to solve them. I need to remember that its not me who can work in these situations, but God. It's not my work that will move them, but the work of the cross.
He has set my path before the foundations of the Earth and however this turns out, it will be for my good and for His glory.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Flicker
With the New Year, I started my devotional book up again and am feeling good that I'm reading a bit about God's promises and the encouraging blurbs from Billy Graham. There was however something I read the other day and I just didn't even know what to do with it. As I was reading the blurb, I looked back at the scripture for the day and it was Matthew 28:20-
"I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
The blurb reinforced the scripture with it's story and then it hit me: I don't believe that. "Christ never leaves us, He is with us every step of the way" This is so hard for me to believe. I KNOW it's true because I KNOW God's Word is true... but it's not in my heart and I don't know what to do with that. I can't feel Him. I can't hear Him. I don't remember what He feels like, what He looks like. Whenever I've gone through trial I've always prayed "Lord, I don't need anything new.. I don't deserve anything new... just please remind me of your goodness of the past and it will bring me right back to you"... and now, I've begun to pray for new things because I can't tangibly remember my spiritual past. I'm a feeler... I need to know that He is near like the Word says, but I just don't.
I was listening to David Crowder tonight on my drive home and as I was listening to "I Need Words" this mental picture of God's and My relationship popped into my head. You know how we've been told forever that God never stops pursuing us, we stop pursuing him, etc...? Well the picture in my mind was of Me and God was standing behind me and I was PULLING and TUGGING on His arms, just trying to get them to wrap around me; to get him to hug me, to comfort me.. and He was resisting. Not with everything He had, obviously, but I was giving it all I had... and He has no interest anymore.
Am I lost? Did I ever know God or did I create Him in my mind? I don't doubt God, I don't doubt His existence... I doubt that our relationship was ever real, I suppose. I feel like I can encourage every one around me (when I want). I can give them God's word and His promises and know that I'm telling the truth... but I guess it's not alive or applicable to my own life. The wilderness is a lonely place of complacency and apathy. This is the first time in a long time that I've cried over my loss... and that's what it is, a loss.
With the bit of hope I have... I'm hoping these baby-steps (Adult group, devotionals, etc.), will be in the right direction and bring something back... a flicker at least that will eventually lead to a flame.
"I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
The blurb reinforced the scripture with it's story and then it hit me: I don't believe that. "Christ never leaves us, He is with us every step of the way" This is so hard for me to believe. I KNOW it's true because I KNOW God's Word is true... but it's not in my heart and I don't know what to do with that. I can't feel Him. I can't hear Him. I don't remember what He feels like, what He looks like. Whenever I've gone through trial I've always prayed "Lord, I don't need anything new.. I don't deserve anything new... just please remind me of your goodness of the past and it will bring me right back to you"... and now, I've begun to pray for new things because I can't tangibly remember my spiritual past. I'm a feeler... I need to know that He is near like the Word says, but I just don't.
I was listening to David Crowder tonight on my drive home and as I was listening to "I Need Words" this mental picture of God's and My relationship popped into my head. You know how we've been told forever that God never stops pursuing us, we stop pursuing him, etc...? Well the picture in my mind was of Me and God was standing behind me and I was PULLING and TUGGING on His arms, just trying to get them to wrap around me; to get him to hug me, to comfort me.. and He was resisting. Not with everything He had, obviously, but I was giving it all I had... and He has no interest anymore.
Am I lost? Did I ever know God or did I create Him in my mind? I don't doubt God, I don't doubt His existence... I doubt that our relationship was ever real, I suppose. I feel like I can encourage every one around me (when I want). I can give them God's word and His promises and know that I'm telling the truth... but I guess it's not alive or applicable to my own life. The wilderness is a lonely place of complacency and apathy. This is the first time in a long time that I've cried over my loss... and that's what it is, a loss.
With the bit of hope I have... I'm hoping these baby-steps (Adult group, devotionals, etc.), will be in the right direction and bring something back... a flicker at least that will eventually lead to a flame.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Carpe Diem?
It is currently 4 in the morn' and I am awake, but not by choice.
I was supposed to get up at 3 in order to type a paper and email it off, but I was just a bit tired that I needed the extra 45 minutes, now it's too late and I must pack, for I'm leaving on a plane bound for New Hampshire this morning. The Weather Channel says it's going to be in the 20's this week... I'm not sure I can handle it.
So, it's back to "familiar" things. Things of my past and things of my future? I imagine there will be much reflection this break. I'm about to be 22 and there is also something about this time of year that makes me think a lot. There was so much I had planned for my life at 22... and not much of it has happened. Other things did... great things and horrible things, but not most of what I've planned. I'm bound and determined not to let it get to me too much because I know that I have a Savior who altered my destination by His act of grace, therefore, I know my life is now going according to HIS plan. It is a comfort though to know that He is in control... my life would be a mess if I was. There is quite a freedom in that.
So, I'm still learning, in case you hadn't noticed. I desire to be teachable. I desire to be strong in character. I desire to be a blessing.
There is still so much I hope for, and honestly I don't think I'll ever know what's next... I just pray that I enjoy the ride rather than wish away the moment... I know I'm young, but the older I get, the more real it is to me how brief life is.
Well... "Carpe Diem", right?
I was supposed to get up at 3 in order to type a paper and email it off, but I was just a bit tired that I needed the extra 45 minutes, now it's too late and I must pack, for I'm leaving on a plane bound for New Hampshire this morning. The Weather Channel says it's going to be in the 20's this week... I'm not sure I can handle it.
So, it's back to "familiar" things. Things of my past and things of my future? I imagine there will be much reflection this break. I'm about to be 22 and there is also something about this time of year that makes me think a lot. There was so much I had planned for my life at 22... and not much of it has happened. Other things did... great things and horrible things, but not most of what I've planned. I'm bound and determined not to let it get to me too much because I know that I have a Savior who altered my destination by His act of grace, therefore, I know my life is now going according to HIS plan. It is a comfort though to know that He is in control... my life would be a mess if I was. There is quite a freedom in that.
So, I'm still learning, in case you hadn't noticed. I desire to be teachable. I desire to be strong in character. I desire to be a blessing.
There is still so much I hope for, and honestly I don't think I'll ever know what's next... I just pray that I enjoy the ride rather than wish away the moment... I know I'm young, but the older I get, the more real it is to me how brief life is.
Well... "Carpe Diem", right?
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Something's Missing...
"Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out while I am someone else?" - John Mayer
Man, it's been awhile. I really don't even know what to say or what words to use to describe how my life has been lately. Maybe the best word would be: lonely.
Yeah, I think that's the one.
Everyday is the same thing: Class, work, bed; repeat. I feel like I have so much to do, yet I don't feel like I'm ever doing anything. I don't have time to spend with people, yet I desire to immensely.
I've been learning a lot lately, especially in one particular class and it's helped me to understand a bit more about myself. I think my loneliness has to do with the fact that one, I've been busy, but two, that Quality time is an important thing to me. It's essential to fill my "love tank" as Dr. Gary Chapman says in his books. And this is something that has drastically been minimized in my life.
I think it's not so much the fact that people aren't trying to include me, but more that I don't have the time pour into other's lives. But then again, why aren't other's seeking my friendship? I find that slightly strange. Hmmm?...
Anyway, everything just seems to be on the downfall right now. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm serious. I don't know where in my schedule I can move around, cut down or budge anything to balance it all... it seems it may have to be this way all semester.
Again, I'm just rambling, but it's nice to be able to write it down. I don't know what else to do, but give it to the LORD.. really is there anything else? I fear my deep desire to be consumed by and in the word of God is becoming faint. I know my heart still desires this, but the feeling of how strong it is seems to be going away... I don't want this, yet don't know how to fix it.
Father God, I pray that You would give me specific direction and that all I may think, say or do would honor Your name. I pray that You wouldn't just reign in my spiritual life, but in all areas of it. Help me along during this "gray" time I pray. I thank You for redeeming my soul from the pit of despair. You are my refuge and strength. I pray never to forget that. Amen.
Man, it's been awhile. I really don't even know what to say or what words to use to describe how my life has been lately. Maybe the best word would be: lonely.
Yeah, I think that's the one.
Everyday is the same thing: Class, work, bed; repeat. I feel like I have so much to do, yet I don't feel like I'm ever doing anything. I don't have time to spend with people, yet I desire to immensely.
I've been learning a lot lately, especially in one particular class and it's helped me to understand a bit more about myself. I think my loneliness has to do with the fact that one, I've been busy, but two, that Quality time is an important thing to me. It's essential to fill my "love tank" as Dr. Gary Chapman says in his books. And this is something that has drastically been minimized in my life.
I think it's not so much the fact that people aren't trying to include me, but more that I don't have the time pour into other's lives. But then again, why aren't other's seeking my friendship? I find that slightly strange. Hmmm?...
Anyway, everything just seems to be on the downfall right now. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm serious. I don't know where in my schedule I can move around, cut down or budge anything to balance it all... it seems it may have to be this way all semester.
Again, I'm just rambling, but it's nice to be able to write it down. I don't know what else to do, but give it to the LORD.. really is there anything else? I fear my deep desire to be consumed by and in the word of God is becoming faint. I know my heart still desires this, but the feeling of how strong it is seems to be going away... I don't want this, yet don't know how to fix it.
Father God, I pray that You would give me specific direction and that all I may think, say or do would honor Your name. I pray that You wouldn't just reign in my spiritual life, but in all areas of it. Help me along during this "gray" time I pray. I thank You for redeeming my soul from the pit of despair. You are my refuge and strength. I pray never to forget that. Amen.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Grace
I'm on my knees
Only memories are left for me to hold.
Don't know how, but I'll get by
Slowly pull myself together (I'll get through this)
There's no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal.
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to Grace.
I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
From another world
Come what may I won't fade away,
but I know I might change.
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to Grace.
Nothing comes easily where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace, I've lost everything.
I just want to feel Your embrace..
I love this song. It reminds me of how I've been lately, how my thoughts have been lately. The past has come into my mind so frequently it seems. I don't know that I have any emotions over it, it's just been in my thoughts, even dreams. I'm okay, actually I'm really good. I just wonder if as the date approaches faster and faster how I'll be holding up? Will I be too busy to notice? I trust that I'll get through all of it, with God's strength, yes.. I will!... Just as the line says, I pray that God will continue to turn my grief to Grace.
I desire to feel Him more than anything I ever have...
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Changes
I've been slightly overwhelmed the past week or so and today I hit the peak. I cried for the first time in a long time.. now, I know that may seem hard to believe, me..not cry? It's seems like an oxy-moron, but it's true. Okay, so maybe slightly was an understatement. As I was writing an email I think I realized why.
There are A LOT of changes going on for me in my life right now, and some may seem petty, but they're changes and sometimes I don't take too well to changes. It's weird to think back on how when I was a pre-teen/teenager and wondered what it would be like to be 18, to be 21.. and now I'm here. I'm a grown up, I'm an adult, and although I may not always act like it, the fact remains. I'm so scared to grow up. I just signed a lease on a house and paid my first rent check ever leaving 14$ in my bank account. I am living away from home for the first summer in 21 years, I'm going to be working part-time, if not full, in a ministry and I'll be mentoring girls. I'm going to be a senior next year and I'm trying to make ends meat just to keep my head above water. I'm scared of where I am now.
It's not that I'm worried about the outcomes of these things, it's not even that I'm worrying about how they'll work out. I'm not even worrying.. it's just scary to have such responsibility... it's scary to be doing all of this alone.
Although all of this is going through my head and makes me want to hide under a rock somewhere, I am overwhelmed by God's goodness. When I think I've hit rock bottom, He lifts me up. When I think there's no way for improvement, He makes it better. I'm going to need Him more than ever this summer... and through all the fear and anxiety, I'm excited to see Him move.
There are A LOT of changes going on for me in my life right now, and some may seem petty, but they're changes and sometimes I don't take too well to changes. It's weird to think back on how when I was a pre-teen/teenager and wondered what it would be like to be 18, to be 21.. and now I'm here. I'm a grown up, I'm an adult, and although I may not always act like it, the fact remains. I'm so scared to grow up. I just signed a lease on a house and paid my first rent check ever leaving 14$ in my bank account. I am living away from home for the first summer in 21 years, I'm going to be working part-time, if not full, in a ministry and I'll be mentoring girls. I'm going to be a senior next year and I'm trying to make ends meat just to keep my head above water. I'm scared of where I am now.
It's not that I'm worried about the outcomes of these things, it's not even that I'm worrying about how they'll work out. I'm not even worrying.. it's just scary to have such responsibility... it's scary to be doing all of this alone.
Although all of this is going through my head and makes me want to hide under a rock somewhere, I am overwhelmed by God's goodness. When I think I've hit rock bottom, He lifts me up. When I think there's no way for improvement, He makes it better. I'm going to need Him more than ever this summer... and through all the fear and anxiety, I'm excited to see Him move.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
The Weekend.
This is just something to hold me over until I actually have TIME to write something...
The stirring within
I want to be questioned
but I try not to think.
Trying to pretend
so scared to get hurt,
be let down once again.
I give You my mind, LORD.
I give You my heart...
I want to feel, but I don't at all.
Let me feel You, LORD
to be consumed from within.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Life & Death
I feel like the past couple of months have led up to this...
I attended a funeral today. These things can be so awkward. Although there were personal distractions, the service was one of the most beautiful things I've experienced. Everything, even down to her obituary was a testimony to us all, saved and lost. One of her grandchildren even decided to commit his life to Christ after the service... I imagine the angels are singing.
Just going through the motions, being with the family and kids all week to prepare for their grandmother's funeral has been eating at me. For a couple of months now I've had death on the mind. Not to worry I promise, but rather about how I will die and so forth. One day at work I was listening to a co-worker, who is an older woman, talking about how she's "losing her mind"... and rather than joking with her, I thought to myself "Will I make it to the age where I may begin to lose me mind?"... this is all such a mystery to me. Will I ever make it to an old age? Will I die in my twenties?.. and that leads me to thinking about when I DO die...
I know I say I think about it, but at the same time I try and make my mind shut it off and shut it out, so that I can't think about it. Am I making sense? I know as a follower of Christ, I should not be afraid... and I don't fear where I'm going.. I fear how I will die and just dieing in general. All I know is this world.... I don't know Heaven, and I'm scared. I watched a video of this grandmother before she passed and she talked about what she thought Heaven would be like and I just started to cry... not because she was gone, but because I'm so scared... Is this a control issue? Maybe.
I trust that however long I live, God will make my life fruitful... I know that when I enter the gates of Heaven and Christ's arms are wrapped around me, I'll be much better off... At the same time, I wonder if I'll feel his arms? Is there life beyond this, is there eternity? I believe there is... but do I believe it just because it's been spoon fed to me?
I need to start "feeding" myself....Now, where do I begin?
I attended a funeral today. These things can be so awkward. Although there were personal distractions, the service was one of the most beautiful things I've experienced. Everything, even down to her obituary was a testimony to us all, saved and lost. One of her grandchildren even decided to commit his life to Christ after the service... I imagine the angels are singing.
Just going through the motions, being with the family and kids all week to prepare for their grandmother's funeral has been eating at me. For a couple of months now I've had death on the mind. Not to worry I promise, but rather about how I will die and so forth. One day at work I was listening to a co-worker, who is an older woman, talking about how she's "losing her mind"... and rather than joking with her, I thought to myself "Will I make it to the age where I may begin to lose me mind?"... this is all such a mystery to me. Will I ever make it to an old age? Will I die in my twenties?.. and that leads me to thinking about when I DO die...
I know I say I think about it, but at the same time I try and make my mind shut it off and shut it out, so that I can't think about it. Am I making sense? I know as a follower of Christ, I should not be afraid... and I don't fear where I'm going.. I fear how I will die and just dieing in general. All I know is this world.... I don't know Heaven, and I'm scared. I watched a video of this grandmother before she passed and she talked about what she thought Heaven would be like and I just started to cry... not because she was gone, but because I'm so scared... Is this a control issue? Maybe.
I trust that however long I live, God will make my life fruitful... I know that when I enter the gates of Heaven and Christ's arms are wrapped around me, I'll be much better off... At the same time, I wonder if I'll feel his arms? Is there life beyond this, is there eternity? I believe there is... but do I believe it just because it's been spoon fed to me?
I need to start "feeding" myself....Now, where do I begin?
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
What is Joy?
Well to keep you up to date from my last post. I was able to make "good tapes" with my friend. It's helped so far... I'm just needing to keep up with it.
I gave my testimony today in speech class.. chapel had a lot to do with the same subject and it got me thinking about Joy. About what it is and what it means to be joyful.
Reaching back into my past to talk to my entire class about it was a little hard to do. It was hard to tap into my experience with depression and think on how I reacted to it. I never ate, I didn't sleep at night and slept all day. I cried every day for 1 1/2 years.... it was not fun.
I think about all the pain I went through and at times I thought God had to have hated me so much to let me endure so much pain.. but that's the thing, I endured... and by Christ's strength alone.
During this time is when I realized there was a difference between happiness and joy. Toward the end of the relationship, as I got even more depressed, I remember knowing the end was coming, but there was a certain day that I felt the most unexplainable joy, a joy that brought me to tears... the reason? Because my God is who He is. I was completely depressed and sad, but I was joyful because my God loved me and had my best interest at heart....
This whole situation gives me hope... hope for the future. I can rest knowing that as I follow God, He will allow me to experience Joy. I trust that in the future, God will create things from my pain.... Beauty.
I gave my testimony today in speech class.. chapel had a lot to do with the same subject and it got me thinking about Joy. About what it is and what it means to be joyful.
Reaching back into my past to talk to my entire class about it was a little hard to do. It was hard to tap into my experience with depression and think on how I reacted to it. I never ate, I didn't sleep at night and slept all day. I cried every day for 1 1/2 years.... it was not fun.
I think about all the pain I went through and at times I thought God had to have hated me so much to let me endure so much pain.. but that's the thing, I endured... and by Christ's strength alone.
During this time is when I realized there was a difference between happiness and joy. Toward the end of the relationship, as I got even more depressed, I remember knowing the end was coming, but there was a certain day that I felt the most unexplainable joy, a joy that brought me to tears... the reason? Because my God is who He is. I was completely depressed and sad, but I was joyful because my God loved me and had my best interest at heart....
This whole situation gives me hope... hope for the future. I can rest knowing that as I follow God, He will allow me to experience Joy. I trust that in the future, God will create things from my pain.... Beauty.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Severed Strings
In parts, my week has been hell.... At least in MY world it has been. Well, Sunday ironically, was hell. But I've moved past it, have taken the space I think is wise to take and have begun to move in a new direction of life. I guess living it for myself now, rather than others. That may sound selfish I realize, but at the same time, I can't keep living up to everyone else's expectations of me. Everyone expects me to make everything concerning them priority... if I do that, that defeats the purpose and nothing becomes priority. There needs to be a give and take somewhere... There needs to be balance.
I learned today that connective strings I've made need to be cut. I've never done that on my own before. Last time I had to do that, it had to be pointed out to me and I had to be prayed through the process. Today, I recognized it alone. I've realized that there are just some things in life that I can't compromise on. There are just some things in life that I can't respect a person for and because of it, the ties need to be cut. It's unfortunate, but necessary. I guess it's true that some people are only meant to be a part of your life for a season. I didn't expect that of certain people...But honestly, I think I'm okay with that.
I learned today that connective strings I've made need to be cut. I've never done that on my own before. Last time I had to do that, it had to be pointed out to me and I had to be prayed through the process. Today, I recognized it alone. I've realized that there are just some things in life that I can't compromise on. There are just some things in life that I can't respect a person for and because of it, the ties need to be cut. It's unfortunate, but necessary. I guess it's true that some people are only meant to be a part of your life for a season. I didn't expect that of certain people...But honestly, I think I'm okay with that.
It's been a little difficult, but it seems that all I can do is resist the urge to control, sit back and watch everything unfold... even if it does seem like it's a trainwreck waiting to happen. I need to let God handle His children, including myself, any way He sees fit. So, in that case...
I'm Letting Go.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Exhaustion
I said how I envisioned the future....
I said how much I missed them when they're gone...
I said how I possibly felt...
I said practically everything that has gone through my head....
... turns out that's where it should have stayed.
I said how much I missed them when they're gone...
I said how I possibly felt...
I said practically everything that has gone through my head....
... turns out that's where it should have stayed.
I'm so tired...
so tired of learning to breathe.
so tired of learning to breathe.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Winter Conclusion.
Surprising how I started my break looking out the window, and as I write here, finishing it up, the cool waves are once again flowing my way as the orange sunset shines through. This has been my break really. A time of endless thoughts... just as the water seems endless in my view.
I had left school in December looking forward to being alone once I got home. Maybe I had just had too much of a social life than I've been used to and I looked forward to being alone in my apartment here in New Hampshire to regroup or something... but it was more of an "or something". I'm not sure it's good for me to be alone for too long. My mind goes off into different areas and I'm not sure what to make of my thoughts... how to piece them together. This season is generally hard for me to begin with, having suffered from situational depression the past 2 years during this time. I'm fine now and I praise God for removing me from the situation, but not having any friends up here besides family can be difficult. Not many understand my thoughts... I'm not even sure if I do, at least I can't articulate well.
I'm scared to go back to school. Really scared. I had a real rough semester academically and I think I'm scared of failure. I'm scared that I won't finish on time and I won't be able to graduate from CIU. I'm scared of relationships too. This past semester was wonderful for me socially! It was probably the first time that I actually had a social life... but this break has given me time to contemplate the different dimensions of those. I don't know much, but I know walls have been put up by me for different people and this may be due to my past and baggage, but they're there now. This break I've missed someone more than I ever expected to... I think I've actually missed them more than I've ever missed anyone... not knowing what that means=walls. But, I know it's not the time nor my responsibility to figure this out....
In a previous post I wrote: "Heart, be silent... Mind, be still... Soul, wait" and I realize that this is still what needs to happen. The LORD has been so good to me and has proven His goodness over and over. I wish I could remember it every time I start to get anxious. It has helped me get through this break and helped me to suck it up and get ready to fly back to SC. I need to remember that I'm in good hands... They won't drop me.
I had left school in December looking forward to being alone once I got home. Maybe I had just had too much of a social life than I've been used to and I looked forward to being alone in my apartment here in New Hampshire to regroup or something... but it was more of an "or something". I'm not sure it's good for me to be alone for too long. My mind goes off into different areas and I'm not sure what to make of my thoughts... how to piece them together. This season is generally hard for me to begin with, having suffered from situational depression the past 2 years during this time. I'm fine now and I praise God for removing me from the situation, but not having any friends up here besides family can be difficult. Not many understand my thoughts... I'm not even sure if I do, at least I can't articulate well.
I'm scared to go back to school. Really scared. I had a real rough semester academically and I think I'm scared of failure. I'm scared that I won't finish on time and I won't be able to graduate from CIU. I'm scared of relationships too. This past semester was wonderful for me socially! It was probably the first time that I actually had a social life... but this break has given me time to contemplate the different dimensions of those. I don't know much, but I know walls have been put up by me for different people and this may be due to my past and baggage, but they're there now. This break I've missed someone more than I ever expected to... I think I've actually missed them more than I've ever missed anyone... not knowing what that means=walls. But, I know it's not the time nor my responsibility to figure this out....
In a previous post I wrote: "Heart, be silent... Mind, be still... Soul, wait" and I realize that this is still what needs to happen. The LORD has been so good to me and has proven His goodness over and over. I wish I could remember it every time I start to get anxious. It has helped me get through this break and helped me to suck it up and get ready to fly back to SC. I need to remember that I'm in good hands... They won't drop me.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Surrender
My hands hold safely to my dreams, clutching tightly, not one has fallen.
So many years, I've shaped each one, reflecting my heart, showing who I am. Now You're asking me to show what I'm holding oh-so-tightly.
Can't open my hands, can't let go. Does it matter? Should I show You?
"Can't you let me go?"
You say You have a plan for me and that You want the best for my life.
Told me the world had yet to see what You can do with one that's committed to Your call. I know of course what I should do... that I can't hold these dreams forever. If I give them now to You, will you take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
'Surrender, surrender', You whisper gently.
You say I will be free, I know, but can't You see?
My dreams are me, my dreams are me...
So many years, I've shaped each one, reflecting my heart, showing who I am. Now You're asking me to show what I'm holding oh-so-tightly.
Can't open my hands, can't let go. Does it matter? Should I show You?
"Can't you let me go?"
You say You have a plan for me and that You want the best for my life.
Told me the world had yet to see what You can do with one that's committed to Your call. I know of course what I should do... that I can't hold these dreams forever. If I give them now to You, will you take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
'Surrender, surrender', You whisper gently.
You say I will be free, I know, but can't You see?
My dreams are me, my dreams are me...
Friday, November 10, 2006
Winds and Waves
The Lord boggles my mind, not just sometimes, but most of it.
I gave a lecture on Mark 4:35-41 on the promises of God and how Christ calmed the storm on the Sea of Galilee. There are so many truths in that one passage. I'm not "exactly" in a storm right now, not at all like I've been in before, but these times have been a struggle. If you define "storm" as a time where you are fearful and/or insecure, then maybe it is a storm, but it isn't one where I feel my world is crashing in, just like the disciples may have amongst the waves.
In verse 35, Christ implies the promise and security of making it to the other side of the sea, just before the storm. The disciples should have responded in a calm manner when it hit, but rather they lacked faith and questioned Christ. In verses 39-41, as Christ calms the storm, His sovereign power is shown. This is the same powerful God that I have made master of my life. Yet, I act as the disciples did. I question God. I wonder what to make of His will, I wonder what to make of His timing and I wonder why I'm at where I am: not completely satisfied?
I've seen Him bring me through the biggest storm of my 21 years of life. I've read scripture and prayed prayers that secured the promises He gives... yet, I still think things to be too impossible for Him. Philippians 4:19 says "and My God will supply all your needs according to HIS riches in glory in Christ Jesus." I think I need so much, when in actuality, I don't need any of this.
Lord,
Make me satisfied in You first and foremost. Fix my heart on the throne of Your eternal Kingdom. Show me where I need to be....
-Amen
I gave a lecture on Mark 4:35-41 on the promises of God and how Christ calmed the storm on the Sea of Galilee. There are so many truths in that one passage. I'm not "exactly" in a storm right now, not at all like I've been in before, but these times have been a struggle. If you define "storm" as a time where you are fearful and/or insecure, then maybe it is a storm, but it isn't one where I feel my world is crashing in, just like the disciples may have amongst the waves.
In verse 35, Christ implies the promise and security of making it to the other side of the sea, just before the storm. The disciples should have responded in a calm manner when it hit, but rather they lacked faith and questioned Christ. In verses 39-41, as Christ calms the storm, His sovereign power is shown. This is the same powerful God that I have made master of my life. Yet, I act as the disciples did. I question God. I wonder what to make of His will, I wonder what to make of His timing and I wonder why I'm at where I am: not completely satisfied?
I've seen Him bring me through the biggest storm of my 21 years of life. I've read scripture and prayed prayers that secured the promises He gives... yet, I still think things to be too impossible for Him. Philippians 4:19 says "and My God will supply all your needs according to HIS riches in glory in Christ Jesus." I think I need so much, when in actuality, I don't need any of this.
Lord,
Make me satisfied in You first and foremost. Fix my heart on the throne of Your eternal Kingdom. Show me where I need to be....
-Amen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)