"Now I have a peace I've never known before...I find myself complete, My heart is spoken for"
-Mercy Me
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows role.
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
It is well,
With my soul.
It is well, it is well with my soul.
My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought.
My sin not in part but the whole.
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more.
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord oh my soul.
And Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll.
The trump shall resound, and My LORD shall descend.
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well,
With my soul.
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Another Stepping Stone
"Listen to your heart...there's nothing else you can do."
-Roxette
Wow, I must say I'm just really confused...I'm confused about it all really.
That confusion made me hurt a bit today...Definitely hit me emotionally.
I don't know any better really...its all I've known, so its hard to believe in change.
A bit had to do with just some stuff that's been around since Cain and Abel, plain and simple...foolish really.
I apologize to those I seemed angry towards...its partially justifiable, but all in all, not deserved.
Lord, I really just need big hug right now. That would make me happy :) I look forward to our time together.
-Roxette
Wow, I must say I'm just really confused...I'm confused about it all really.
That confusion made me hurt a bit today...Definitely hit me emotionally.
I don't know any better really...its all I've known, so its hard to believe in change.
A bit had to do with just some stuff that's been around since Cain and Abel, plain and simple...foolish really.
I apologize to those I seemed angry towards...its partially justifiable, but all in all, not deserved.
Lord, I really just need big hug right now. That would make me happy :) I look forward to our time together.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Bottom Of The Ocean
"The mistakes I've made that cause pain,
I could have done without
All my selfish thought; all my pride
The things I hide You have forgot about
They are behind you
They'll never find you
They're on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They're on the bottom
They're out on the Ocean floor.*" -Audio adrenaline
Sometimes its hard to remember that EVERY SIN, once repented, has been forgotten by God...He's forgiven you before its been committed, for Christ died, but it needs to be repented...Once that happens, that sin is as far away from you as the ocean floor and all is forgotten....
I wonder why its so hard to convince ourselves of that? Its definitely hard when its a re-occurring sin, but its basically as if we are spitting in God's face saying "Who do You think You are? You're not big enough to take this filth away" when we dwell in our guilt...I don't like doing that and I know that I'm a repeat offender of this.
So, I stand in awe of how a God, creator of everything, decided to love me so much, inspite of the filthy things I would do and gave up His PERFECT creation to take the fall for my wrongdoing. I am overwhelmed by His mercy. To think that all that I have done wrong is at the the bottom of the ocean, where it can not be seen...that He has forgotten it all...
Now, if only humans could be more like God...
*(God speaking)
I could have done without
All my selfish thought; all my pride
The things I hide You have forgot about
They are behind you
They'll never find you
They're on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They're on the bottom
They're out on the Ocean floor.*" -Audio adrenaline
Sometimes its hard to remember that EVERY SIN, once repented, has been forgotten by God...He's forgiven you before its been committed, for Christ died, but it needs to be repented...Once that happens, that sin is as far away from you as the ocean floor and all is forgotten....
I wonder why its so hard to convince ourselves of that? Its definitely hard when its a re-occurring sin, but its basically as if we are spitting in God's face saying "Who do You think You are? You're not big enough to take this filth away" when we dwell in our guilt...I don't like doing that and I know that I'm a repeat offender of this.
So, I stand in awe of how a God, creator of everything, decided to love me so much, inspite of the filthy things I would do and gave up His PERFECT creation to take the fall for my wrongdoing. I am overwhelmed by His mercy. To think that all that I have done wrong is at the the bottom of the ocean, where it can not be seen...that He has forgotten it all...
Now, if only humans could be more like God...
*(God speaking)
Monday, July 25, 2005
The Lord's Day
"Even the best fall down sometimes....Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow find you and I collide..."
-Howie Day
So yesterday was an awkward, yet amazing sort of day...Who ever thought those two would coincide with each other?
Started off with Church...which is a great way to start any day. Had a nice time with the Lord. Very good...very minor assumptions..so 10 points for Aubs! wohoo...then I was on my way to a trip of solitude to Concord for a family cookout...this could have resulted in a ton of stuff either good or bad...But I wasn't scared... then my speakers started freaking out and I got a little worried...
See, the thing is, only one of my speakers works correctly and sometimes another one likes to pretend it works and it lets out this ungodly scream...Whenever it does that, I take that as a sign from God that He wants to have a talk...so, not even 5 minutes onto 101, guess who interrupts me belting my heart out??? Yup, God wants to talk....so, normally I would have been fine, but lately I've been praying for "ears to hear"...so I figured this was my time to listen...see, I personally hate confrontation and I knew I was going to have to experience it today with my family because I was about to enter an "attack" sort of conversation with my Uncle Norm, whom is a Bahai Priest...so I had my work cut out for me...but the Lord had spared me at Christmas, so I knew I couldn't run anymore....God's and my talk went well, and I was entirely calm :)
The conversations with my Uncle went well...they weren't detailed and he didn't try to be tricky which was good...but I told him about how I'm going to be taking hermeneutics, and he assured me that he'll have a bunch of scripture waiting for me when I get home to help him understand...(sigh)
But that really had nothing to do with my emotional rollercoaster yesterday...Actually my emotional rollercoaster was really good, it was a good thing for me to experience because it came from positive stuff...
It stemmed from (for the real first time) experiencing good conversation with people on my Father's side of the family...I actually had a real conversation with my Father...he wasn't discouraging at all, didn't make scumbag comments and it was nice. We talked about family (My Aunt died yesterday and My Grandfather a year ago tomorrow). I learned that I may not even truly be a Bond...haha..that was interesting :)
But I think for the first time in my life, I had a real conversation with my Grammie...how sad is that? I'm almost 20 and I've never sat down and had a conversation with her. I'm closer to my friend's Grammie P. (see post "retraction 0f earlier today"). God really showed me that I have grown, because before I didn't have the patience for my Grandmother...but I was blessed to spend time with her yesterday...
We talked about the one thing that I dream of...Marriage
We were talking about my Grandfather and she told me of how they were married for 40 years! 40 years people...That's amazing...so I asked her what the secret was, what was the secret to staying together so long? What she had told me, I partially knew, but it just reinforced things I need to learn, apply and appreciate. We then got to talking about their relationship...For the first time I heard of how they met and the sweet things he would do for her, like every spring he would pick the first yellow rose off the bush and bring it to her and how he would always cut around the white daisies on the farm (they were her favorite), and he would bring her home one each day and how he never would apologize verbally for being wrong, but he would admit it and make her a bouquet whenever he was....She told me her secrets to keeping fights to a minimum and stories of how they grew old together and defeated the adversities they faced (they were 20 years apart)...and I just soaked it up...I got to tell her of my dreams and she loved it...My secret was that she didn't know how much I'm longing for it...They were married for 40 years and they loved each other just as much the day he died as the day that they met...I hope to find that. I know whomever I marry, that is how it will be. I really do, because I won't settle.
Anyway...After I had talked with my cousin Beth-Ann for awhile and said my goodbyes, I went to the mall up there and as I was walking out of it, it hit me how lonely I felt...I don't know if I had been that lonely before, it reminded me of first semester...just from everything my Grandmother and I had talked about and my "monthly bill" and other stuff...it hit me like a ton of bricks..it was okay, just sad...so I get into the car and try to ignore it...
Guess who starts screaming?...Apparently God still wanted to talk...
I just sat in silence the whole hour ride home and when I started "talking" about everything, it hit like a wave...I felt so guilty for never sitting down and talking to my Grandfather...I never took the time to hear stories or tell him how much I really loved him. Honestly, I and others know that I was his favorite and I just miss him real bad. I felt so bad for never having patience for my Grandmother before and realized how much I really do love her. I felt so bad for her, because I thought about how she was with him for 40 years and then she lost him. How lonely must she be? That is when I truly knew that I would want to live out the quote "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" (again). Thinking about that I realized how much I was longing for someone..and no, not exactly anyone in particular, but as funny as it sounds, I was longing for my other half that I don't even have yet... I was so thankful that God let me experience this.
He confirmed for me what my true hearts desires are. He showed me how much I truly love my family and how much they love me. He showed me that relationships can never be just one sided. That He not only uses people in my life, but He uses me in others'. He showed me that I should use the resources that He's placed in my life while I have them. He showed me that He's not the kind of God who will give me hungers and passions only to tease me with them...that somehow, some way (which I don't know yet) He will fulfill those, for as I've been growing closer to Him, my desires have become what He has desired for me all along.
So, even though there was guilt, there was sadness, loneliness, longing and fear, it all stemmed from something good. It was what I needed. It helped things be brought into the light.
I think yesterday I grew more than I ever have.
-Howie Day
So yesterday was an awkward, yet amazing sort of day...Who ever thought those two would coincide with each other?
Started off with Church...which is a great way to start any day. Had a nice time with the Lord. Very good...very minor assumptions..so 10 points for Aubs! wohoo...then I was on my way to a trip of solitude to Concord for a family cookout...this could have resulted in a ton of stuff either good or bad...But I wasn't scared... then my speakers started freaking out and I got a little worried...
See, the thing is, only one of my speakers works correctly and sometimes another one likes to pretend it works and it lets out this ungodly scream...Whenever it does that, I take that as a sign from God that He wants to have a talk...so, not even 5 minutes onto 101, guess who interrupts me belting my heart out??? Yup, God wants to talk....so, normally I would have been fine, but lately I've been praying for "ears to hear"...so I figured this was my time to listen...see, I personally hate confrontation and I knew I was going to have to experience it today with my family because I was about to enter an "attack" sort of conversation with my Uncle Norm, whom is a Bahai Priest...so I had my work cut out for me...but the Lord had spared me at Christmas, so I knew I couldn't run anymore....God's and my talk went well, and I was entirely calm :)
The conversations with my Uncle went well...they weren't detailed and he didn't try to be tricky which was good...but I told him about how I'm going to be taking hermeneutics, and he assured me that he'll have a bunch of scripture waiting for me when I get home to help him understand...(sigh)
But that really had nothing to do with my emotional rollercoaster yesterday...Actually my emotional rollercoaster was really good, it was a good thing for me to experience because it came from positive stuff...
It stemmed from (for the real first time) experiencing good conversation with people on my Father's side of the family...I actually had a real conversation with my Father...he wasn't discouraging at all, didn't make scumbag comments and it was nice. We talked about family (My Aunt died yesterday and My Grandfather a year ago tomorrow). I learned that I may not even truly be a Bond...haha..that was interesting :)
But I think for the first time in my life, I had a real conversation with my Grammie...how sad is that? I'm almost 20 and I've never sat down and had a conversation with her. I'm closer to my friend's Grammie P. (see post "retraction 0f earlier today"). God really showed me that I have grown, because before I didn't have the patience for my Grandmother...but I was blessed to spend time with her yesterday...
We talked about the one thing that I dream of...Marriage
We were talking about my Grandfather and she told me of how they were married for 40 years! 40 years people...That's amazing...so I asked her what the secret was, what was the secret to staying together so long? What she had told me, I partially knew, but it just reinforced things I need to learn, apply and appreciate. We then got to talking about their relationship...For the first time I heard of how they met and the sweet things he would do for her, like every spring he would pick the first yellow rose off the bush and bring it to her and how he would always cut around the white daisies on the farm (they were her favorite), and he would bring her home one each day and how he never would apologize verbally for being wrong, but he would admit it and make her a bouquet whenever he was....She told me her secrets to keeping fights to a minimum and stories of how they grew old together and defeated the adversities they faced (they were 20 years apart)...and I just soaked it up...I got to tell her of my dreams and she loved it...My secret was that she didn't know how much I'm longing for it...They were married for 40 years and they loved each other just as much the day he died as the day that they met...I hope to find that. I know whomever I marry, that is how it will be. I really do, because I won't settle.
Anyway...After I had talked with my cousin Beth-Ann for awhile and said my goodbyes, I went to the mall up there and as I was walking out of it, it hit me how lonely I felt...I don't know if I had been that lonely before, it reminded me of first semester...just from everything my Grandmother and I had talked about and my "monthly bill" and other stuff...it hit me like a ton of bricks..it was okay, just sad...so I get into the car and try to ignore it...
Guess who starts screaming?...Apparently God still wanted to talk...
I just sat in silence the whole hour ride home and when I started "talking" about everything, it hit like a wave...I felt so guilty for never sitting down and talking to my Grandfather...I never took the time to hear stories or tell him how much I really loved him. Honestly, I and others know that I was his favorite and I just miss him real bad. I felt so bad for never having patience for my Grandmother before and realized how much I really do love her. I felt so bad for her, because I thought about how she was with him for 40 years and then she lost him. How lonely must she be? That is when I truly knew that I would want to live out the quote "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" (again). Thinking about that I realized how much I was longing for someone..and no, not exactly anyone in particular, but as funny as it sounds, I was longing for my other half that I don't even have yet... I was so thankful that God let me experience this.
He confirmed for me what my true hearts desires are. He showed me how much I truly love my family and how much they love me. He showed me that relationships can never be just one sided. That He not only uses people in my life, but He uses me in others'. He showed me that I should use the resources that He's placed in my life while I have them. He showed me that He's not the kind of God who will give me hungers and passions only to tease me with them...that somehow, some way (which I don't know yet) He will fulfill those, for as I've been growing closer to Him, my desires have become what He has desired for me all along.
So, even though there was guilt, there was sadness, loneliness, longing and fear, it all stemmed from something good. It was what I needed. It helped things be brought into the light.
I think yesterday I grew more than I ever have.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
God's Reminder
" I feel revived again, I am alive again...I want the world to know I burn for You."
-Toby Mac
Doesn't matter what the case...
It is well with my soul! :)
Isn't My God amazing???
-Toby Mac
Doesn't matter what the case...
It is well with my soul! :)
Isn't My God amazing???
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Lessons in Strength
"The reason why I stand, the answer lies in You ...You hung to make me strong"
-Jeremy Camp
-Jeremy Camp
What could make this get any worse?
Please Lord, don't answer that question...
To all you people in Cyber-Space, please pray for me...struggles, sadness, worries including being homeless and having to drop out of school...not cool..I have nowhere to go...I don't need this too..Pray, that's all I ask...
Lord, I don't know the reasons, but maybe You still want to teach me more at the moment..if that is the case, bring it on..."I can do everything through Christ, who gives me Strength." -Philippians 4:13
It is only Your strength that I'm surviving on...
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Retraction of earlier today
"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
- Psalm 94:19
- Psalm 94:19
So, my night was much better than my morning....
I went and spent a little "alone time" in Salem...I went to Barnes & Noble and checked out some books that I've been wanting to read...One, I've read before and I'll buy online, cuz its cheaper and I can't spend money right now the other two I'm considering getting in the future: What Christians Belive, By C.S. Lewis and Blue Like Jazz, by some dude! lol
It was nice to be alone and sit in a little comfy corner and read...I decided that I want to read more, that's on my list of goals for myself...Then I decided to get some coffee at Starbucks (YUCK)..and perhaps a little snack:) and was on my way...
As I was driving home, I decided to visit a friend of mine..in fact, I believe she must be one of the most amazing women that I've ever met. I didn't know that I could care so much for a friend the way I do for her. In fact, I get choked up just thinking of her...She holds a special place in my heart.
Anyway...I drove to her house and we watched the news for a bit and then she decided to take me for a ride...She took me to an amazing, beautiful and peaceful place that she likes to go to often. We walked around for awhile and just took in the calmness of the sea breaze and the architecture of the stone streets... Her company and my surroundings just comforted me and I was filled with joy...This is why I chose this passage.
Later on as we were driving back, She had a mad craving for an ice cream cone and made me get one too, (yeah, twist my arm..)...She was so funny when she saw the beast of an ice cream the boy gave us...She decided that from now on she should listen to me when I warn her!...
It was so nice to just laugh and create a bond with her..well with anyone really, but she's special... There is this unspoken bond and understanding between us..its weird really, but in a good way...A lot of it has to do with the fact that she has not once passed judgement on me... she doesn't even understand why things are the way they are...in fact she doesnt want to know...I like that about her. She loves me just the same when she doesnt even have to...I am so grateful.
So, in closing...I thank You Lord for Your comfort. For bringing and keeping certain people in my life when I don't deserve one bit of it. For letting me experience Joy at times...You are amazing. Thank You for letting me smile today, You didn't have to Lord...but for some reason, You did :)
I don't think my smile will fade :)
Re-Opened Scars
"Life is not what I thought it was... and I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago, still I'm singing, Spirit take me up in arms with You."
-Switchfoot
Well Lord,
I suppose I'm not done walking through this fire/valley am I?
As much as I want to say "No way, I'm not going through this crap again"...I will shut my mouth and turn to You. I trust that You have what is best for me in Your hands and that You will create beauty from these ashes.
Thankyou for using whatever it took to recheck my focus! It is only on You.
-Me
-Switchfoot
Well Lord,
I suppose I'm not done walking through this fire/valley am I?
As much as I want to say "No way, I'm not going through this crap again"...I will shut my mouth and turn to You. I trust that You have what is best for me in Your hands and that You will create beauty from these ashes.
Thankyou for using whatever it took to recheck my focus! It is only on You.
-Me
Sunday, July 03, 2005
The Wheels Are In Overdrive
"Pain is God's Megaphone."
-C.S. Lewis
There are quite a few things about me that still need work...but that's the thing, they're being worked on...and not alone...
Lord,
A lot of confusion in everyday life... Its like I don't even feel like I can come here and write out stuff for it to be misread which could lead to only You know what...I don't know... That's the thing, I don't even know if I could write everything out, not sure it would make so much sense.
Feeling so many things at one time is awkward..in fact, its pretty annoying. At moments I could feel like a jerk, another I could feel on top of the world. Its weird. But its not depressing, glad I'm out of that stage...phew!
Things are still effecting my body...I thought that was gone since I decided to shut it all out, but nope...I confused myself and thought I was a leaf today...also my stomach felt like I had drank a whole pot of coffee on an empty stomach...not so fun.
Its weird, cuz I've been inbetween for the past couple of days. I'm definitely not depressed and I am doing great, but I'm kinda stuck in a "everything fades together" state. hmmm??
...Even though I'm feeling awkward, I guess that's the best word to use, Its nice to be refreshed with Your words...to be reminded of Your promises and to reflect on all that You and only You have brought me through...Never thought I, of all people, would say this, but I do not want a speedy recovery...I want to soak up every moment so that I know how to be more like my Savior, my shield, my heart, Jesus Christ.
It truly is enjoyable when things are revealed when taking the stepping stones of growth. And I'm growing so much...Its really exciting to know I am that much closer to You every moment...Exciting to know that I'm in Your will...Exciting to know that there's a reason for all of this...and one of the most amazing parts of it is that I am entirely focused on having the most healthy relationship with You. Finally getting my priorities straight because now I know the things I can and cannot do unless You and I are healthy and I'm in step with the Spirit..Nice to not be consumed with worldly junk...Almost peaceful.. I can't say thankyou enough...just seems pointless...but know that I'm completely appreciative..I wouldn't have this any other way!
Who'da thought?
Thank You for the amazing weekend I was able to have with friends and for the little blessings You've given as confirmation that I'm doing the right things..Thank You for Your wisdom, will, strength and mercy...I am so thankful that I can rest in Your arms...that You are willing to lift me up again each time I fall so short...Hmm...What could be greater?
-Amen
-C.S. Lewis
There are quite a few things about me that still need work...but that's the thing, they're being worked on...and not alone...
Lord,
A lot of confusion in everyday life... Its like I don't even feel like I can come here and write out stuff for it to be misread which could lead to only You know what...I don't know... That's the thing, I don't even know if I could write everything out, not sure it would make so much sense.
Feeling so many things at one time is awkward..in fact, its pretty annoying. At moments I could feel like a jerk, another I could feel on top of the world. Its weird. But its not depressing, glad I'm out of that stage...phew!
Things are still effecting my body...I thought that was gone since I decided to shut it all out, but nope...I confused myself and thought I was a leaf today...also my stomach felt like I had drank a whole pot of coffee on an empty stomach...not so fun.
Its weird, cuz I've been inbetween for the past couple of days. I'm definitely not depressed and I am doing great, but I'm kinda stuck in a "everything fades together" state. hmmm??
...Even though I'm feeling awkward, I guess that's the best word to use, Its nice to be refreshed with Your words...to be reminded of Your promises and to reflect on all that You and only You have brought me through...Never thought I, of all people, would say this, but I do not want a speedy recovery...I want to soak up every moment so that I know how to be more like my Savior, my shield, my heart, Jesus Christ.
It truly is enjoyable when things are revealed when taking the stepping stones of growth. And I'm growing so much...Its really exciting to know I am that much closer to You every moment...Exciting to know that I'm in Your will...Exciting to know that there's a reason for all of this...and one of the most amazing parts of it is that I am entirely focused on having the most healthy relationship with You. Finally getting my priorities straight because now I know the things I can and cannot do unless You and I are healthy and I'm in step with the Spirit..Nice to not be consumed with worldly junk...Almost peaceful.. I can't say thankyou enough...just seems pointless...but know that I'm completely appreciative..I wouldn't have this any other way!
Who'da thought?
Thank You for the amazing weekend I was able to have with friends and for the little blessings You've given as confirmation that I'm doing the right things..Thank You for Your wisdom, will, strength and mercy...I am so thankful that I can rest in Your arms...that You are willing to lift me up again each time I fall so short...Hmm...What could be greater?
-Amen
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