An Update

It seems that I can't quite keep up with this.....
I come back around every year or so it seems.... Maybe if I had kept up with it, I'd have had an easier time getting through things. 

I re-read my last entry and decided to pick up from there...even though no one else reads this, I figure that might be best.

Its funny how things weigh on ones mind...and then how quickly those things fade away. 

Addressing those things that I last wrote: First, I still can't imagine what my sister and brother in law went through with the premature birth of my nephew; however, by God's grace, Collin is thriving and a happy boy! You can read about their whole journey at: Collinmadison.blogspot.com . In fact, we were able to see God's plan through it...as Collin was born in November instead of his due date of the following February, which allowed for my sister to get pregnant again! Collin was three months old when she conceived  They now have a beautiful daughter, Delaney, who is 1 year and 15 days younger than Collin. You can see her growth at: Delaneymmadison.blogspot.com

As for the concerns about the lost and my future...those things are still concerns, but not as much. I'm no longer concerned about my future with Nick, because I have seen God move swiftly in his life. Nick has grown in his faith immensely; seeking God daily and desiring to grow more. Nick has become the rock and leader that I have always wanted and needed. He has led me back to the cross many times over this past year when I have become lost and blind. I am so grateful for him and to Him. In fact, our future is looking pretty bright, as we are getting married in just over two months! You can visit our website here: www.weddingwire.com/NickandAubrey .


As for the other stuff, my heart still gets weighed down when I think about the lost; how misguided and hard-hearted people become. The thing is, it hasn't been on my mind as much, as my heart itself has become rather hardened. Over the past two years, I have let fear and anxiety run my life. I know that it is by God's grace that I've made it through the toughest spots (that I know of). Due to the fear and anxiety, I have become quite calloused to the sin in my life and also more hardened toward the world. My relationship with God has become fairly non-existent, yet I still have this love/concern/passion/desire/faith/belief that won't let me go..which I am very thankful for. The desire is there to grow and become on fire again, its the motivation and action that is lacking...and I get discouraged so easily.

If anyone out there does read this, please pray that I would start to focus on the positive in life; that I would recognize the beauty and grace God has given me in life and not get so disheveled over small things. Pray that the motivation and action would begin and that I bear fruit once again. 

Thanks.

Crossroads

I've come to a point in my life where I know things need to change.

In three weeks, I'm supposed to be moving to SC from NH. Emotionally, I have been drained because I get a bit upset when I really think about it, but I still feel like I should go. My mother has presented me with the idea that maybe I'm depressed and a geographical relocation is not going to fix anything... but I'm not so sure I agree with her, (about the depression part).

My best friend and my sister make valid points that I'm 24 and should try to start living my own life. I don't want to be living with my parents, but with prices the way they are up here, I can't afford anything else.

I'm nervous though.. nervous about leaving. More nervous than at all excited about this new experience. But I hate my life here. I hate my jobs... and all I do is work and go home. Yes, I'm comfortable with spending each day watching TV, but what kind of life is that to live?

I've been so complacent and aloof about my relationship with God. I don't know if there's even a point to praying, because I don't hear Him and I never feel there is an answer given. But in my heart of heart's I know I should... and I want to, it's just so difficult, and honestly heartbreaking when I'm disappointed. But I know the kind of life I want to live; the kind of life I want to have in the future with a spouse and children, needs me to change for those things to be possible. I don't feel like that is possible here.

The one thing SC has that NH doesn't is a built in community of peers that are basically on the same level of thinking when it comes to spirituality. I feel like I have people there that can help me grow in the way I need to; to grow closer and deeper with God. I love my family, but they can't provide that... they honestly don't know how. I feel like this should be my big neon sign, but not having a job in SC and being 17 hours away from family makes the neon sign more dim. I have advice, pressure and time constraint coming from every side and it makes me just want to sit in bed, close the door, put on Glee and never come out....



I just really need to hear Your voice Lord. I cry out to you in desperation and I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. Please clear my head, clear my concerns and show me the way. Please I beg of you to guide me on the correct path. Provide for me needs, I plead. I feel like I need you more than I ever have. Please give me peace that transcends all understanding so that I may know exactly what it is that You want me to do. I ask these things in the name of Christ.
Amen.

Something's Missing...

"Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out while I am someone else?" - John Mayer

Man, it's been awhile. I really don't even know what to say or what words to use to describe how my life has been lately. Maybe the best word would be: lonely.
Yeah, I think that's the one.

Everyday is the same thing: Class, work, bed; repeat. I feel like I have so much to do, yet I don't feel like I'm ever doing anything. I don't have time to spend with people, yet I desire to immensely.
I've been learning a lot lately, especially in one particular class and it's helped me to understand a bit more about myself. I think my loneliness has to do with the fact that one, I've been busy, but two, that Quality time is an important thing to me. It's essential to fill my "love tank" as Dr. Gary Chapman says in his books. And this is something that has drastically been minimized in my life.

I think it's not so much the fact that people aren't trying to include me, but more that I don't have the time pour into other's lives. But then again, why aren't other's seeking my friendship? I find that slightly strange. Hmmm?...

Anyway, everything just seems to be on the downfall right now. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm serious. I don't know where in my schedule I can move around, cut down or budge anything to balance it all... it seems it may have to be this way all semester.

Again, I'm just rambling, but it's nice to be able to write it down. I don't know what else to do, but give it to the LORD.. really is there anything else? I fear my deep desire to be consumed by and in the word of God is becoming faint. I know my heart still desires this, but the feeling of how strong it is seems to be going away... I don't want this, yet don't know how to fix it.

Father God, I pray that You would give me specific direction and that all I may think, say or do would honor Your name. I pray that You wouldn't just reign in my spiritual life, but in all areas of it. Help me along during this "gray" time I pray. I thank You for redeeming my soul from the pit of despair. You are my refuge and strength. I pray never to forget that. Amen.