Crossroads

I've come to a point in my life where I know things need to change.

In three weeks, I'm supposed to be moving to SC from NH. Emotionally, I have been drained because I get a bit upset when I really think about it, but I still feel like I should go. My mother has presented me with the idea that maybe I'm depressed and a geographical relocation is not going to fix anything... but I'm not so sure I agree with her, (about the depression part).

My best friend and my sister make valid points that I'm 24 and should try to start living my own life. I don't want to be living with my parents, but with prices the way they are up here, I can't afford anything else.

I'm nervous though.. nervous about leaving. More nervous than at all excited about this new experience. But I hate my life here. I hate my jobs... and all I do is work and go home. Yes, I'm comfortable with spending each day watching TV, but what kind of life is that to live?

I've been so complacent and aloof about my relationship with God. I don't know if there's even a point to praying, because I don't hear Him and I never feel there is an answer given. But in my heart of heart's I know I should... and I want to, it's just so difficult, and honestly heartbreaking when I'm disappointed. But I know the kind of life I want to live; the kind of life I want to have in the future with a spouse and children, needs me to change for those things to be possible. I don't feel like that is possible here.

The one thing SC has that NH doesn't is a built in community of peers that are basically on the same level of thinking when it comes to spirituality. I feel like I have people there that can help me grow in the way I need to; to grow closer and deeper with God. I love my family, but they can't provide that... they honestly don't know how. I feel like this should be my big neon sign, but not having a job in SC and being 17 hours away from family makes the neon sign more dim. I have advice, pressure and time constraint coming from every side and it makes me just want to sit in bed, close the door, put on Glee and never come out....



I just really need to hear Your voice Lord. I cry out to you in desperation and I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. Please clear my head, clear my concerns and show me the way. Please I beg of you to guide me on the correct path. Provide for me needs, I plead. I feel like I need you more than I ever have. Please give me peace that transcends all understanding so that I may know exactly what it is that You want me to do. I ask these things in the name of Christ.
Amen.

Flicker

With the New Year, I started my devotional book up again and am feeling good that I'm reading a bit about God's promises and the encouraging blurbs from Billy Graham. There was however something I read the other day and I just didn't even know what to do with it. As I was reading the blurb, I looked back at the scripture for the day and it was Matthew 28:20-
"I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

The blurb reinforced the scripture with it's story and then it hit me: I don't believe that. "Christ never leaves us, He is with us every step of the way" This is so hard for me to believe. I KNOW it's true because I KNOW God's Word is true... but it's not in my heart and I don't know what to do with that. I can't feel Him. I can't hear Him. I don't remember what He feels like, what He looks like. Whenever I've gone through trial I've always prayed "Lord, I don't need anything new.. I don't deserve anything new... just please remind me of your goodness of the past and it will bring me right back to you"... and now, I've begun to pray for new things because I can't tangibly remember my spiritual past. I'm a feeler... I need to know that He is near like the Word says, but I just don't.

I was listening to David Crowder tonight on my drive home and as I was listening to "I Need Words" this mental picture of God's and My relationship popped into my head. You know how we've been told forever that God never stops pursuing us, we stop pursuing him, etc...? Well the picture in my mind was of Me and God was standing behind me and I was PULLING and TUGGING on His arms, just trying to get them to wrap around me; to get him to hug me, to comfort me.. and He was resisting. Not with everything He had, obviously, but I was giving it all I had... and He has no interest anymore.

Am I lost? Did I ever know God or did I create Him in my mind? I don't doubt God, I don't doubt His existence... I doubt that our relationship was ever real, I suppose. I feel like I can encourage every one around me (when I want). I can give them God's word and His promises and know that I'm telling the truth... but I guess it's not alive or applicable to my own life. The wilderness is a lonely place of complacency and apathy. This is the first time in a long time that I've cried over my loss... and that's what it is, a loss.

With the bit of hope I have... I'm hoping these baby-steps (Adult group, devotionals, etc.), will be in the right direction and bring something back... a flicker at least that will eventually lead to a flame.

Deep Breath

I’ve been really thankful these past few months for God answering my prayer of contentment. I’ve been so secure and not desiring things out of their time. It has been one of the most refreshing things to experience.

It has been so good that even the thought, I mean actual deep thought of being in a relationship, and I start to feel claustrophobic. Literally, my body tenses and my mind starts to panic in a way. I end up shutting the thought out and I go on being content. It has been this way for, I’d say about 5 months, maybe?

And then this weekend happened.

I had a great visit with my best friend from college and we spent it walking around the city of Boston. Aside from the extreme heat and awful pain of walking in poor shoes, it was great. The thing is, I met someone. However, I didn’t “meet someone” like everyone else puts it. I mean, I just met a guy, who happens to be sweet, funny, way too smart for me, and very attractive. There was nothing “exciting” or anything…but ever since I’ve left Boston, a lot has been on my mind, including this person. It’s just such a change from these past few months, yet I’m trying all I can to keep my mind off of it.

So what is this?

Am I realizing that it just may be quite nice to have a companion or do I just need to wait a few more days where time and distance will help me forget? Maybe it’s just a wake up call that I do still need to keep preparing myself for the future. I do need to grow in the Word and in my relationship with God. I need to be self-sufficient, responsible and dependable.

Apparently this is growing up. Learning patience, growing in grace and taking it day-by-day seems to be the essential steps in this process… or at least mine.

A deep breath... Here I go.

Carpe Diem?

It is currently 4 in the morn' and I am awake, but not by choice.
I was supposed to get up at 3 in order to type a paper and email it off, but I was just a bit tired that I needed the extra 45 minutes, now it's too late and I must pack, for I'm leaving on a plane bound for New Hampshire this morning. The Weather Channel says it's going to be in the 20's this week... I'm not sure I can handle it.

So, it's back to "familiar" things. Things of my past and things of my future? I imagine there will be much reflection this break. I'm about to be 22 and there is also something about this time of year that makes me think a lot. There was so much I had planned for my life at 22... and not much of it has happened. Other things did... great things and horrible things, but not most of what I've planned. I'm bound and determined not to let it get to me too much because I know that I have a Savior who altered my destination by His act of grace, therefore, I know my life is now going according to HIS plan. It is a comfort though to know that He is in control... my life would be a mess if I was. There is quite a freedom in that.

So, I'm still learning, in case you hadn't noticed. I desire to be teachable. I desire to be strong in character. I desire to be a blessing.
There is still so much I hope for, and honestly I don't think I'll ever know what's next... I just pray that I enjoy the ride rather than wish away the moment... I know I'm young, but the older I get, the more real it is to me how brief life is.
Well... "Carpe Diem", right?

Something's Missing...

"Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out while I am someone else?" - John Mayer

Man, it's been awhile. I really don't even know what to say or what words to use to describe how my life has been lately. Maybe the best word would be: lonely.
Yeah, I think that's the one.

Everyday is the same thing: Class, work, bed; repeat. I feel like I have so much to do, yet I don't feel like I'm ever doing anything. I don't have time to spend with people, yet I desire to immensely.
I've been learning a lot lately, especially in one particular class and it's helped me to understand a bit more about myself. I think my loneliness has to do with the fact that one, I've been busy, but two, that Quality time is an important thing to me. It's essential to fill my "love tank" as Dr. Gary Chapman says in his books. And this is something that has drastically been minimized in my life.

I think it's not so much the fact that people aren't trying to include me, but more that I don't have the time pour into other's lives. But then again, why aren't other's seeking my friendship? I find that slightly strange. Hmmm?...

Anyway, everything just seems to be on the downfall right now. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm serious. I don't know where in my schedule I can move around, cut down or budge anything to balance it all... it seems it may have to be this way all semester.

Again, I'm just rambling, but it's nice to be able to write it down. I don't know what else to do, but give it to the LORD.. really is there anything else? I fear my deep desire to be consumed by and in the word of God is becoming faint. I know my heart still desires this, but the feeling of how strong it is seems to be going away... I don't want this, yet don't know how to fix it.

Father God, I pray that You would give me specific direction and that all I may think, say or do would honor Your name. I pray that You wouldn't just reign in my spiritual life, but in all areas of it. Help me along during this "gray" time I pray. I thank You for redeeming my soul from the pit of despair. You are my refuge and strength. I pray never to forget that. Amen.

Severed Strings

In parts, my week has been hell.... At least in MY world it has been. Well, Sunday ironically, was hell. But I've moved past it, have taken the space I think is wise to take and have begun to move in a new direction of life. I guess living it for myself now, rather than others. That may sound selfish I realize, but at the same time, I can't keep living up to everyone else's expectations of me. Everyone expects me to make everything concerning them priority... if I do that, that defeats the purpose and nothing becomes priority. There needs to be a give and take somewhere... There needs to be balance.

I learned today that connective strings I've made need to be cut. I've never done that on my own before. Last time I had to do that, it had to be pointed out to me and I had to be prayed through the process. Today, I recognized it alone. I've realized that there are just some things in life that I can't compromise on. There are just some things in life that I can't respect a person for and because of it, the ties need to be cut. It's unfortunate, but necessary. I guess it's true that some people are only meant to be a part of your life for a season. I didn't expect that of certain people...But honestly, I think I'm okay with that.

It's been a little difficult, but it seems that all I can do is resist the urge to control, sit back and watch everything unfold... even if it does seem like it's a trainwreck waiting to happen. I need to let God handle His children, including myself, any way He sees fit. So, in that case...

I'm Letting Go.