"Un"

"Maybe...honesty need not be feared as an enemy or a friend." -The Fray

This week has been pretty difficult for me emotionally and I've had my rollercoaster moments.

I feel like life is passing me by as I'm stuck here watching it slip away. I've been stressed about school and how I'm not doing well or atleast I fear I won't do well. I know I don't live up to my potential, but I'm not sure why I don't change things when I recognize the problem? After being upset about a class, there was a moment the other night where a past character trait became very present within me. The big jealous monster attacked and fed the insecurities in me I forgot were there. This is not who I want to be...

I feel unwanted, unacceptable, and unintelligent around so many. I think I may love faster, harder and deeper than most people... it may be why I get hurt so easily.

Do you ever get so many thoughts running through you're head you don't know how to reach out and pick just one to analyze? I wonder constantly what God is doing with me; what He's doing with my feelings and what is going to come of them? I need to just sit back and acknowledge the fact that I'll never figure God and His timing/will out...maybe my brain and heart will get a breather when that happens...

More than anything, a change of scenery is needed.

Honestly

Sometimes...

it really sucks being only a friend.

Early A.M

"If someone shows you who they are... Believe them." -Dr. Maya Angelou

Things have been quite confusing for some time now... I have no idea what the LORD is doing...

I'm more content than I've ever been in my life, but that doesn't spare one from pain and confusion... I want to know His plan... I want to be at that next step.

Today was kinda hard... I was completely scumbagged by someone and it isn't easy. There are 3 things in this world I have no tolerance for...1)Fakeness/Games, 2) Liars and, 3) Thieves... they pulled 2 out of 3 on me...

I know the LORD has a plan, and there is a reason why this happened... apparently they were just supposed to be in my life for a season, it just happend to be a quick one. This is so discouraging...

Is my heart not on fire for God? Is He not my desire? Can others looking at me see my heart for Him or a lack there of? Serriously, you..whoever is reading this, let me know. If you can't see Christ when you look at me, I want to hear it... well no I don't, but rather, I need to.

I want to be made and molded into HIS likeness... I'm rough around the edges, but I'm still in the refining process...

Sleep sounds so good right now...

In Need of Rest

"Never pretend to love that which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command." -Alan Watts


I've been off for weeks I think...
I've been extremely irritable and tired in all ways it's defined. Things are flying by and I feel like there isn't enough time in a day or even a week to get anything done. I think I need this fall break... I need to rest. I don't remember the last time I truly did?

I truly, TRULY, am beginning to realize how fickle feelings are and how I am to hand them back over to God in order for Him to be ruler of my life. Even though it may be from a plethora of insecurities, I realize worrying isn't going to do anything about it... Especially the guy thing... As James wrote in his blog about good ole' Johnny Mayer and the different application of his lyrics, I unfortunately have to agree with John's intended meaning lately...

Something that has been sticking with me for weeks now, has been Proverbs 31:30. Not the beauty or the fearful woman part, but the "CHARM IS DECEPTIVE" part. I've seen over and over how I've been deceived by it in the past and how I've deceived others... It's so ugly. I'm thankful for the reminders I have and for being able to live differently since then. It's so freeing to be healthy, or at least healthier.

Although I have insecurities, it's nice to recognize them, deal with them and just be myself. Although days might be ugly with me, I hope others can appreciate that I'm not wearing masks anymore...