..."A Future and a Hope."

There just so happens to be roughly a million things on my mind... Things I am feeling so burdened about. They mostly have to do with my family, both current and potential future, and also my standing or relationship with God. Rather than worrying and asking for things through prayer for myself, I'm realizing more and more that even if it effects me, its not all about me. Also, that my prayer life and perspective need to change. Here are a few of those million things...

First thing on my mind is my nephew Collin. He is my first nephew and first baby in the family. He was born 15 week prematurely and it has been a struggle since his birth for him. He has had good days for sure, but there continue to be different challenges each day. I cannot even fathom what my sister or brother-in-law are going through, with their child's health in jeopardy. Then again..at the same time, as much as I adore children and he's my own blood, its hard to grasp the concept of everything, because I'm so far away. I ask people to pray, but I find that I do not pray enough myself.

Second thing on my mind is the lost... specifically those in my family who don't know Christ. Even more specific, Nick's brother. I've now had two conversations with him, and over those four plus hours, we've gone round and round, debating things of this world and the heavenly realm. Although I do not know all of the specifics, his life has been extremely rough, which has left his view of God completely skewed and himself, damaged. When I hear him talk about the things he believes, (or the things he doesn't believe), it makes my heart sad. How can someone be so broken that they've turned their back on God and refuse to see the truth?  I find myself needing to defend everything I believe, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, but I don't know how to present things in a gentle way and I never have. I get fired up and can't back down. Presenting what I would call truth, is one of the few times I become passionate. He calls himself a "man of facts" but disregards the facts I present to him. I leave the conversations discouraged and sad for the lack of what he is able to see. Surely won't the God that I know, the ONE TRUE God, heal him and draw him back to Himself?

This leads me to the third thing racing around in my mind; that which is my future. Now that I am in a relationship, I find myself thinking of my future often; some of it is pleasant and even encourages hope and joy in my life. Some of it discourages me and makes me wonder if I'm making the right decisions. When I say "right", I mean those that are most pleasing to God; for no matter my future, that is my utmost calling. Due to the previous paragraph, I find myself heavy-laden with the situation of my relationship. Nick's brother has played such an influential role in his life. He has helped to mold Nick's ideas and view of the world,while Nick has still held on to God. In Nick's world, there is room for both God and some of his brother's views...and this scares me. A month a go, I was ready to be engaged...now I'm wondering if we could work? I am worried beyond belief that if Nick and I marry, his brother will have more influence over him than I do. I do not mean this as a matter of control, but that I'm frightened of who Nick will allow to pour into his life and what that would mean for our marriage and our children.There are some foundational things in our faith, how to run our future family, and who we are as people that we don't see eye to eye on. Some of it I know I could let go; they aren't important, but some I can't budge on. I hope that whoever Nick chooses to allow to pour into his life, it'll be someone that makes him more Christ like and that that would be his desire.

As I look at all of these things racing in my mind, weighing on my heart, and grieving my spirit, I'm realizing the true issues. Rather than asking for prayer from others I need to be doing it myself; and not a half-hearted, empty prayer, but on my knees/tears streaming kind of prayer; to be completely moved by the Spirit. Also, my issue is faith. I forget the power of God frequently. I see situations like the ones above and my faith waivers as I can't figure out how to solve them. I need to remember that its not me who can work in these situations, but God. It's not my work that will move them, but the work of the cross.

He has set my path before the foundations of the Earth and however this turns out, it will be for my good and for His glory.

Tangerine Jazz.

Sitting downtown staring at a run down brick building, drinking some lovely coffee and listening to the sounds of big band jazz in the background... this has brought me to a happy place.
I think it would have been nice to live in the 30's. Such simplicity and grace about it all. To be able to sit back, relax, love and enjoy the life God has given you..... Why is that so hard to do today?

This summer has been the most exciting, yet stretching and difficult for me. I'm the most busy I've ever been and it makes me long for school to start again, as oxi-moronic as that may sound. Working, interning, meeting, schooling, driving, learning and forgiving. Really, I'm just living and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I want to retreat back to my days of a pre-teen and dance in my room to my favorite boy-band music, where my biggest worry up to date would have been if I had a pimple on my face or not. Instead, I worry about finances and if I'm turning out okay, or did I turn out okay? I worry about if I'm doing the right things in my life and will I ever have a "real" job? I worry that people are disappointed in me because my younger sister got engaged before I did? I worry that because my ex got married recently there might be something wrong with me, because I haven't. All of these lies I'm fed with daily, and more than I've even begun to mention, and all because of this fallen world we live in. I should be worrying about if I'm living my life for the proper reasons... to glorify the One true God, whom created me in His very image. It's time to get it together. I long for Heaven, truly I do.

So, until then, for this brief moment, I will picture myself enjoying creation with a summer dress, curls in my hair and pearls around my neck, listening to the jazz music against a tangerine sky, without a care in the world.

When I Can't Say...

Exhaustion effects emotions, which leads to the never ending thoughts inside my head.
A sense of loneliness sets as it clouds the state of contentment I am in.
The walls are being torn down, which is encouraging and comforting, positive too... but at the same time I'm not sure how it is that I am supposed to be. I'm not sure of anything.

When I can't say how I envision the future...
When I can't say how much I miss them when they're gone...
When I can't say that I know exactly how I feel...
When I can't say everything that goes on in my mind...

Is when the loneliness sets in.

I'm content for now... but I'm not sure I will be forever.

Winter Conclusion.

Surprising how I started my break looking out the window, and as I write here, finishing it up, the cool waves are once again flowing my way as the orange sunset shines through. This has been my break really. A time of endless thoughts... just as the water seems endless in my view.

I had left school in December looking forward to being alone once I got home. Maybe I had just had too much of a social life than I've been used to and I looked forward to being alone in my apartment here in New Hampshire to regroup or something... but it was more of an "or something". I'm not sure it's good for me to be alone for too long. My mind goes off into different areas and I'm not sure what to make of my thoughts... how to piece them together. This season is generally hard for me to begin with, having suffered from situational depression the past 2 years during this time. I'm fine now and I praise God for removing me from the situation, but not having any friends up here besides family can be difficult. Not many understand my thoughts... I'm not even sure if I do, at least I can't articulate well.

I'm scared to go back to school. Really scared. I had a real rough semester academically and I think I'm scared of failure. I'm scared that I won't finish on time and I won't be able to graduate from CIU. I'm scared of relationships too. This past semester was wonderful for me socially! It was probably the first time that I actually had a social life... but this break has given me time to contemplate the different dimensions of those. I don't know much, but I know walls have been put up by me for different people and this may be due to my past and baggage, but they're there now. This break I've missed someone more than I ever expected to... I think I've actually missed them more than I've ever missed anyone... not knowing what that means=walls. But, I know it's not the time nor my responsibility to figure this out....

In a previous post I wrote: "Heart, be silent... Mind, be still... Soul, wait" and I realize that this is still what needs to happen. The LORD has been so good to me and has proven His goodness over and over. I wish I could remember it every time I start to get anxious. It has helped me get through this break and helped me to suck it up and get ready to fly back to SC. I need to remember that I'm in good hands... They won't drop me.