"Bad Tapes"

-No Guy will ever want to be in a relationship with me because I'm too intense, loud and joke around too much (annoying).
-If I'm in control, it will always be my way.
-If I'm left out, than I must not be liked.
-If a friendship is uneven, where I give more than the other, that is horrible.
-I am always being watched and judged.
-If I'm obnoxious I won't be loved & accepted.
-If I'm not accepted, that's horrible.
-There's something wrong with me because I'm self-conscious.
-If I'm skinny, I'll be happy.
-Who I am as a person isn't enough.
-Who I am as a person does not have innate value.
-If I don't take care of someone, they won't love me.
-If I don't succeed, I'll be a disappointment.
-If I don't have it all together, I won't have a role.. I must live by my labels.

This is the long list my "counselor" came up with after only one session of Cognitive Therapy for class... Where did all of this come from? All of these "bad tapes" had to have started to record somewhere. I do feel all of these things sometimes, and this wasn't even the whole list. I feel helpless and not very confident that more sessions will help me re-write them into "good tapes".
I need prayer...

Severed Strings

In parts, my week has been hell.... At least in MY world it has been. Well, Sunday ironically, was hell. But I've moved past it, have taken the space I think is wise to take and have begun to move in a new direction of life. I guess living it for myself now, rather than others. That may sound selfish I realize, but at the same time, I can't keep living up to everyone else's expectations of me. Everyone expects me to make everything concerning them priority... if I do that, that defeats the purpose and nothing becomes priority. There needs to be a give and take somewhere... There needs to be balance.

I learned today that connective strings I've made need to be cut. I've never done that on my own before. Last time I had to do that, it had to be pointed out to me and I had to be prayed through the process. Today, I recognized it alone. I've realized that there are just some things in life that I can't compromise on. There are just some things in life that I can't respect a person for and because of it, the ties need to be cut. It's unfortunate, but necessary. I guess it's true that some people are only meant to be a part of your life for a season. I didn't expect that of certain people...But honestly, I think I'm okay with that.

It's been a little difficult, but it seems that all I can do is resist the urge to control, sit back and watch everything unfold... even if it does seem like it's a trainwreck waiting to happen. I need to let God handle His children, including myself, any way He sees fit. So, in that case...

I'm Letting Go.