So Far...

Well, it's quite overdue that I write something. I usually only ever write when I'm inspired to, but just out of sheer boredom I think I'll write today.

I have graduated from college and since then, so much and so little has happened. It seems like forever ago that I was in school and that I was living in Columbia with fat-cat Mr. Werthers. Now, I'm here... living in an apartment that has a beautiful location and even has a great deal, yet I escape to my parent's house any chance I get... I think I do to avoid the drama at my apartment. I'm just so much more comfortable at my parent's house. I feel like I can be the closest thing to "me" as possible, apart from being at CIU.

I think I'm in an introverted stage right now. I just kind of want to be left alone; feel free to do my own thing, without being judged for it or someone constantly trying to diagnose me for what I'm going through, etc. (Which I'm not "going through" anything by the way, just... adjusting).

I'm jobless at the moment. I've found quite a few jobs in the paper... but I've yet to get around to applying for any of them. It seems I'm not such a "go-getter". I spend my time watching Food Network more than I'd like to admit; I have a hard time with the 4 year old that I live with because he's disrespectful; I think his mother is a drama queen and gossip and that annoys the crap out of me; I think he needs to be more disciplined; I wish he were mine sometimes so I could discipline him properly; I'm in no way ready to be a mother.

I haven't really talked to God in awhile... I haven't read His Word in such a long time and I miss it.

I'll be traveling to Boston this weekend and spending it with Sara... I pray this is the breath of fresh air that I need.

So, It's Wednesday...

I'm sitting downtown again, but this time outside listening to the cars on a humid night, the first day of August to be exact. Not only do I hear the cars stop and go, but there's 60's and 70's funk music playing, which just so happens to make me crack a smile.

The summer will come to an end shortly, in a matter of days and as much as I thought I was, I'm not quite ready to go back. I've enjoyed this freedom a lot. Anyway, that's not really my point here, My point boils down to Christ...

I've been dead for quite sometime... maybe hibernating, if you will, and it just so happens that 2 weeks before I head back to school the LORD rekindles the flame in my heart and gives me a cup of overflowing joy. Now, one might think this is perfect, what better way to head back to school? But now I feel like I wasted my summer. It flew by and I never really lived it out to it's potential or took advantage of it's opportunities. I've been interning at my church since May, and just now am I bonding with the Youth. There are friends that I've just recently made, although they've been here for a year, and now... they're leaving for good. Honestly, I'm pretty sad about it. Sad about it all really...

This is no reflection on Christ, but rather on my lack of devotion to Him and those whom He's placed in my life. And yet, He blesses me. There has been so much I've learned at church this summer that leaves me craving more. I was sitting at my house Monday night thinking "Man, I wish there was something going on at church tomorrow!".... Me, love church? Yes, yes I do.

Something that hit me tonight as Rod Arters spoke was :
"Do not approach God because you can get something from Him, but rather, seek just to be near Him."
You'd think I would have been quick enough to figure this out BEFORE my Senior year of college, but someone asked me what I was most looking forward to this year and my answer: "To learn about the Bible". Imagine, just being near God... to sit at the feet of Christ. My heart grows bigger with excitement at the thought... I'm thankful that he moved my heart at all, that He continued to pursue me and show His love to me and that He gave me the opportunity at all to answer His call to me.

Desire to know Him. This is my hope and assurance.

Tangerine Jazz.

Sitting downtown staring at a run down brick building, drinking some lovely coffee and listening to the sounds of big band jazz in the background... this has brought me to a happy place.
I think it would have been nice to live in the 30's. Such simplicity and grace about it all. To be able to sit back, relax, love and enjoy the life God has given you..... Why is that so hard to do today?

This summer has been the most exciting, yet stretching and difficult for me. I'm the most busy I've ever been and it makes me long for school to start again, as oxi-moronic as that may sound. Working, interning, meeting, schooling, driving, learning and forgiving. Really, I'm just living and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I want to retreat back to my days of a pre-teen and dance in my room to my favorite boy-band music, where my biggest worry up to date would have been if I had a pimple on my face or not. Instead, I worry about finances and if I'm turning out okay, or did I turn out okay? I worry about if I'm doing the right things in my life and will I ever have a "real" job? I worry that people are disappointed in me because my younger sister got engaged before I did? I worry that because my ex got married recently there might be something wrong with me, because I haven't. All of these lies I'm fed with daily, and more than I've even begun to mention, and all because of this fallen world we live in. I should be worrying about if I'm living my life for the proper reasons... to glorify the One true God, whom created me in His very image. It's time to get it together. I long for Heaven, truly I do.

So, until then, for this brief moment, I will picture myself enjoying creation with a summer dress, curls in my hair and pearls around my neck, listening to the jazz music against a tangerine sky, without a care in the world.

Changes

I've been slightly overwhelmed the past week or so and today I hit the peak. I cried for the first time in a long time.. now, I know that may seem hard to believe, me..not cry? It's seems like an oxy-moron, but it's true. Okay, so maybe slightly was an understatement. As I was writing an email I think I realized why.

There are A LOT of changes going on for me in my life right now, and some may seem petty, but they're changes and sometimes I don't take too well to changes. It's weird to think back on how when I was a pre-teen/teenager and wondered what it would be like to be 18, to be 21.. and now I'm here. I'm a grown up, I'm an adult, and although I may not always act like it, the fact remains. I'm so scared to grow up. I just signed a lease on a house and paid my first rent check ever leaving 14$ in my bank account. I am living away from home for the first summer in 21 years, I'm going to be working part-time, if not full, in a ministry and I'll be mentoring girls. I'm going to be a senior next year and I'm trying to make ends meat just to keep my head above water. I'm scared of where I am now.

It's not that I'm worried about the outcomes of these things, it's not even that I'm worrying about how they'll work out. I'm not even worrying.. it's just scary to have such responsibility... it's scary to be doing all of this alone.
Although all of this is going through my head and makes me want to hide under a rock somewhere, I am overwhelmed by God's goodness. When I think I've hit rock bottom, He lifts me up. When I think there's no way for improvement, He makes it better. I'm going to need Him more than ever this summer... and through all the fear and anxiety, I'm excited to see Him move.