Different Winter

It's quiet here at the house as I try and figure what to write. Looking out the picture window brings a smile to my face as I watch the waves ripple in my direction... This is not your typical New England winter.

Between the moments of catching up on the sleep I missed all last week, I looked out the window of my airplane seat on Saturday, and was impressed with the landscape I saw. Until that moment, I don't think I've ever realized how beautiful New Hampshire really is. I wish everyone I love at CIU could experience it. At times I wish CIU were here, except for those times when I need space. I bet most I know haven't seen this kind of beauty...

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem that there will be any sort of snow for Christmas... which is just wrong in my book. It's been in the 50's all week, which is a nice "spring" day to NH. It doesn't seem right to have Christmas lights up and presents wrapped while the dirt on the ground is visible. Oh well, I guess the only way I'll get a White Christmas is to dream of one...

PS: At 8am this morning I got a phone call from my mother reminding me that 21 years ago at that time, she birthed me. Go mom!

Afternoon Conversation

"You're so patient... not many people put up with me."
"Hey, you're not much to put up with."

I think that is probably the best compliment that I've gotten in a long time... How about you?

Role-Playing

Being a sister has never been enough,
But it's the calling of the moment.
Observing others has become the task.
My heart rings of the slightest green,
Causing my windows to fill with pools of deep azure.

Lonely Moon

Sometimes when I look at the moon, I can't help but notice how lonely it looks and wonder, if it had feelings, is that how it would feel?

As I get older and the holiday season rolls around, it seems a bit more noticeable. John Mayer says in his song, St. Patrick's Day, "No one likes to be alone at Christmas time"... John-boy was on to something.

I guess I chalk it up to the fact that I don't feel like either place, (NH or SC), is really "home". I don't "belong" in NH anymore and SC will only be where I'm at for another 2 years... then what? One day, just maybe, a travel companion will be provided. ;)

It seems most of my friends are entering relationships. It's been slightly difficult to watch and has possibly added to my confusion in a significant way. As I was processing just last week, a friend said to me, "If they were or are the right person, wouldn't there be more clarity?" She's right I think... Wouldn't I know? If so, there is nothing now. There is no clarity and I'm left to "Expect the worst and Hope for the Best."

It's not always the best or most fun place to be...

Surrender

My hands hold safely to my dreams, clutching tightly, not one has fallen.
So many years, I've shaped each one, reflecting my heart, showing who I am. Now You're asking me to show what I'm holding oh-so-tightly.
Can't open my hands, can't let go. Does it matter? Should I show You?
"Can't you let me go?"

You say You have a plan for me and that You want the best for my life.
Told me the world had yet to see what You can do with one that's committed to Your call. I know of course what I should do... that I can't hold these dreams forever. If I give them now to You, will you take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

'Surrender, surrender', You whisper gently.
You say I will be free, I know, but can't You see?
My dreams are me, my dreams are me...

Winds and Waves

The Lord boggles my mind, not just sometimes, but most of it.

I gave a lecture on Mark 4:35-41 on the promises of God and how Christ calmed the storm on the Sea of Galilee. There are so many truths in that one passage. I'm not "exactly" in a storm right now, not at all like I've been in before, but these times have been a struggle. If you define "storm" as a time where you are fearful and/or insecure, then maybe it is a storm, but it isn't one where I feel my world is crashing in, just like the disciples may have amongst the waves.

In verse 35, Christ implies the promise and security of making it to the other side of the sea, just before the storm. The disciples should have responded in a calm manner when it hit, but rather they lacked faith and questioned Christ. In verses 39-41, as Christ calms the storm, His sovereign power is shown. This is the same powerful God that I have made master of my life. Yet, I act as the disciples did. I question God. I wonder what to make of His will, I wonder what to make of His timing and I wonder why I'm at where I am: not completely satisfied?

I've seen Him bring me through the biggest storm of my 21 years of life. I've read scripture and prayed prayers that secured the promises He gives... yet, I still think things to be too impossible for Him. Philippians 4:19 says "and My God will supply all your needs according to HIS riches in glory in Christ Jesus." I think I need so much, when in actuality, I don't need any of this.

Lord,
Make me satisfied in You first and foremost. Fix my heart on the throne of Your eternal Kingdom. Show me where I need to be....
-Amen

Facade

There are no words to describe what is in my head, what is in my heart. I'm sore from all the cartwheels I've done. Seemingly, there is a tree up close and the forest cannot be seen. I talk as if I want to be figured out, but if I were it would do nothing but break what little has been built. My time is spent pondering what is real and what isn't. I know I can't keep a grip any longer, for then surely, it will be taken away. That is the least of my desires.
Heart, be silent... Mind, be still... Soul, wait.

The Icing On The Cake

I lost my job today...

I was told by the Dean that due to a lack of finances, my postition as Administrative Assistant of the FACE Dept. has been cut, therefore, I've been laid off...

Please pray for me as you think of it... That I would be stress-less, that I would remain faithful & trusting, that I would learn what the LORD has to teach me and that the LORD would provide something else soon.

Thanks...

"Un"

"Maybe...honesty need not be feared as an enemy or a friend." -The Fray

This week has been pretty difficult for me emotionally and I've had my rollercoaster moments.

I feel like life is passing me by as I'm stuck here watching it slip away. I've been stressed about school and how I'm not doing well or atleast I fear I won't do well. I know I don't live up to my potential, but I'm not sure why I don't change things when I recognize the problem? After being upset about a class, there was a moment the other night where a past character trait became very present within me. The big jealous monster attacked and fed the insecurities in me I forgot were there. This is not who I want to be...

I feel unwanted, unacceptable, and unintelligent around so many. I think I may love faster, harder and deeper than most people... it may be why I get hurt so easily.

Do you ever get so many thoughts running through you're head you don't know how to reach out and pick just one to analyze? I wonder constantly what God is doing with me; what He's doing with my feelings and what is going to come of them? I need to just sit back and acknowledge the fact that I'll never figure God and His timing/will out...maybe my brain and heart will get a breather when that happens...

More than anything, a change of scenery is needed.

Honestly

Sometimes...

it really sucks being only a friend.

Early A.M

"If someone shows you who they are... Believe them." -Dr. Maya Angelou

Things have been quite confusing for some time now... I have no idea what the LORD is doing...

I'm more content than I've ever been in my life, but that doesn't spare one from pain and confusion... I want to know His plan... I want to be at that next step.

Today was kinda hard... I was completely scumbagged by someone and it isn't easy. There are 3 things in this world I have no tolerance for...1)Fakeness/Games, 2) Liars and, 3) Thieves... they pulled 2 out of 3 on me...

I know the LORD has a plan, and there is a reason why this happened... apparently they were just supposed to be in my life for a season, it just happend to be a quick one. This is so discouraging...

Is my heart not on fire for God? Is He not my desire? Can others looking at me see my heart for Him or a lack there of? Serriously, you..whoever is reading this, let me know. If you can't see Christ when you look at me, I want to hear it... well no I don't, but rather, I need to.

I want to be made and molded into HIS likeness... I'm rough around the edges, but I'm still in the refining process...

Sleep sounds so good right now...

In Need of Rest

"Never pretend to love that which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command." -Alan Watts


I've been off for weeks I think...
I've been extremely irritable and tired in all ways it's defined. Things are flying by and I feel like there isn't enough time in a day or even a week to get anything done. I think I need this fall break... I need to rest. I don't remember the last time I truly did?

I truly, TRULY, am beginning to realize how fickle feelings are and how I am to hand them back over to God in order for Him to be ruler of my life. Even though it may be from a plethora of insecurities, I realize worrying isn't going to do anything about it... Especially the guy thing... As James wrote in his blog about good ole' Johnny Mayer and the different application of his lyrics, I unfortunately have to agree with John's intended meaning lately...

Something that has been sticking with me for weeks now, has been Proverbs 31:30. Not the beauty or the fearful woman part, but the "CHARM IS DECEPTIVE" part. I've seen over and over how I've been deceived by it in the past and how I've deceived others... It's so ugly. I'm thankful for the reminders I have and for being able to live differently since then. It's so freeing to be healthy, or at least healthier.

Although I have insecurities, it's nice to recognize them, deal with them and just be myself. Although days might be ugly with me, I hope others can appreciate that I'm not wearing masks anymore...

Trait Snapshot!

So, I took this online personality test and this was the summary (after the chart) of my character traits supposedly... I'm thinking they aren't too far from the truth...

trait snapshot:
self revealing, neat, craves attention, prefers organized to unpredictable, needs things to be extremely clean, worrying, perfectionist, emotionally sensitive, respects authority, social, vain, does not like to be alone, likes large parties, controlling, social chameleon, not a thrill seeker, enjoys leadership, takes precautions, puts the needs of others ahead of their own, assertive, rule conscious, makes friends easily, always busy, heart over mind, phobic, aggressive, clingy, compassionate, dominant, outgoing, suspicious, hard working, strong

Some things are good. But otherwise... beware all you men... ;)

Your Love Will Never Change

They tell me there’s songs reserved for angels. Would You sing me one, a stranger, just to prove Your love?
They tell me You’ve given poor men kingdoms and handed guilty freedom and taken on their stains.
Your love will never change. Your love will never change...

They tell me that You dwell with good and evil. In alleys and cathedrals, shadows and the light.
They tell me You hold the world together, not from guilt, but pleasure.
You somehow know my name. Your love will never change...

So tell me there’s nothing that You can’t do and You’ll love me though I’ve hurt You and that You’ll take all my blame. Your love will never change...

Your love will never change

WARNING!

For those of you who have decided to read my blog:
I just re-read some of these and I busted out laughing... some make me sound like a gluttonous, suicidal basketcase... but really I'm not...I promise ;)

During a lot of these past posts (if you decide to read them), I went through a rough depression, unhealthy relationship and an up and down path with God.

But, things are going really well now and have been for a while. I'm not 100% fixed, but then again, I won't truly be until I reach my REAL Home.... It's been nice to reflect though, and see how the LORD has brought me through it all...

Anyway.... I look forward to hearing feedback whenever it is that I decide to update this puppy!
Enjoy.

Lord, Own Me...

Today marks a personal milestone for me... I've seen the LORD and His faithfulness. He and He alone has brought me to this place.

I came across this song today and felt it described my life. Although it wasn't, I felt it was for me alone:

Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live
many are left half read, covered by the cobwebs on my shelf
and I got a list of laws growing longer everyday
and if I keep plugin away
maybe one day I will perfect myself
oh but all of my labor
seems to be in vain
and all of my laws just cause me more pain
so I fall before you with all of my shame
ready and willing to be changed

own me
take all that I am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mold me
with your gracious hand
break me until I'm only yours
own me

oh you call me daughter
and you take my blame
and you run to meet me
when I cry out your name
so I fall before you in all of my shame
Lord I am willing to be changed

own me
take all that I am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mold me
by your gracious hand
break me until I'm only yours
own me

These words are those of my heart and I praise the LORD for the power He has. I praise Him and am ever thankful for His merciful hand.

Take all that I am LORD, for I am Yours...

My Eternal Giver

You keep giving me Joy
You keep giving me Happiness
You keep giving me Hope
You keep giving me everything I wish
You keep holding me up when I'm about to fall

And even if all of that was not enough...

You keep giving me Love

My Hope for Today...

Psalm 138

1 I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;

before the "gods" I will sing your praise.

2 I will bow down toward your holy temple

and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness,

for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.

3 When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.

4 May all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD, when they hear the words of your mouth.

5 May they sing of the ways of the LORD, for the glory of the LORD is great.

6 Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar.

7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.

8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever—do not abandon the works of your hands.

If Only...

"Everytime we sin, something dies. Something in our lives that could have been, will never be." -KM

(in regards to Romans 6:23)

This is one of the most powerful quotes I have ever heard. When I did, I cried, right out in the middle of class. I think I scared my professor?

If only I had heard this earlier in life and really understood what Romans 6:23 meant. I always thought that it was only directed to the unsaved, but rather, it applies to Christians as well, just our death is not eternally. Our death is what the quote is talking about. If I had a true comprehension before, I'm sure I would have made different choices in life. All I can do now is learn it and live it out from this day forth. Thankfully the other truth stated afterward by my AMAZING prof. was that of:

"God and His Grace can take whatever garbage and turn it into good."

Praise God for that :)

Chains

"Whatever happens, dear brothers and sisters, may the LORD give you joy..." -Philippians 3:1

Life? Well, life has been just as it says lately. No, really everything is amazing! I've been as busy as someone can possibly be, but I like being busy. It's definitely a rush...

There are so many things to be thankful for, yes all the time, but especially right now.
My heart: it's always sensitive, but it's mending and being molded and fully surrendered to it's Creator. This past weekend for Columbia Conference was the final destination for my heart that led to my surrendering the one thing, (mind you I didn't realize), was keeping me from FULLY tasting what God is, His Joy and Glory. I've been able to see my worth through the eyes of He who made me, rather than the idols I used to "worship".

I've come to the realization that I should and can be thankful for all the hurt, discouragement, lies and pain I've gone through in life. As much as I may wish that some things may be or could be different, if those things were what brought me to the place that I am today, TO GOD BE THE GLORY!! God has let me learn through other people and many situations, but it is ONLY Him that brought me here today, not the work of others.

There are so many exciting things coming up for me. Europe is one of them. The pieces are coming together and there is only a little more left needed to be done to finalize. Once that is done, on May 22nd, I'll be on my way to Paris! Then, there's Shanoah's graduation, summer jobs, planning for next year and just being able to be with my amazing family. I couldn't ask for a better one. God's used them to make me into the woman I'm becoming, the woman that is His desire and pupil. I am thankful that He adopted me to be His child...

Well, the homework is calling my name and so is the Sun. I'm definitely looking forward to the 90 degree weather this Easter Weekend. It's my first time in 20 years away from home for this, but I think I'll be okay

Anyway, I don't know what posed me to write about this stuff, maybe just reflecting on all the growth and work Christ is doing in me? But, I know that there's a reason this is all going on. I'm on the way to being happy..but more importantly, I am more content and satisfied than I've ever been in my life....

I'm finally....FREE!

Spring Cleaning

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. "

Spring break... Going rather well I should say.

I moved into my "apartment" with Vicki and my little crapface. He is so unbelievably cute, and I'm so thankful that he really likes me...you know how babies can be with that stuff...but he loves me to death, as I do him, so things are good...

Kinda stinks not having a car here, but there was no way I was driving my car here just to stay for 10 days...but I can use my Dad's car tomorrow and during the weekend my aunt is letting me use her new car while she'll be laid up after surgery...so that will be nice. I don't really like sitting around watching TV... I'd rather be doing something....hmmm, reminder, must call Justin tomorrow...

Well, my sponsor letters for Europe are just being received and the LORD has provided well past what was expected in the time frame given... I still need more money, but I have no fear... For some reason, the Lord has chosen to bless me and give to me...He seems to want the doors wide open and want me to go on this trip..He will provide the rest...I know!

God seems to be working so much so fast!...I wonder if He gets tired? :)
I see Him, not only working in my life at a fast pace, but others as well...which has led me to my dilemma...

Oh, I am so thankful for all He has done and continues to do, don't get me wrong. I can't believe how fast He's mended most of my heart, helped me to move on, helped me respond in ways that I should, and repaired so much damage between His and my relationship. Things have not bothered me once the way they've ever bothered me before... I'm thinking I'm home free....BUT, I stumbled across some things tonight that made me realize that I still have a sore spot that hasn't entirely healed yet...but then again, if anyone were to think that I were completely healed already, they'd must be "off their rocker"...

There are just some underlying things that are still there and I don't know how I can get them to not bother me? I think, "oh, if I get a boyfriend, that will help." or if I do something artistic/crafty or something, but then I think, "God wants me to be with Him first and foremost." ...I'm still learning that I can't do things of my own strength.

In my own strength, I can't keep from "checking up" on him. I do it because I like to see how God is working in his life, because I care about him, that won't ever change...but I need to stop it. Even if God is working great things, it can sting because I don't get to experience it with him, it can hurt about what they may say to each other, even if they are/aren't together. I'd like to think that it would help me more and be excited for him...but it does nothing to benefit me... It was brought to my attention that yes, even though I want to know what's going on in his life, he doesn't want me in it...

I'm not 100% sure, for God hasn't revealed it completely, but I don't believe that we'll ever speak again. And if that is how God sees fit, than that is quite alright...

LORD,
I love you, I truly do. I've seen what it means to truly pray with sincere prayer and to HONESTLY want what You want. It's been rewarding and You've done nothing but re-affirm for me the trust I can have in Your character. I just continue to pray for freedom, a healed heart, a pure heart and a heart that is completely surrendered to You. I struggle with things sometimes and LORD and I need Your strength. I honestly don't know why he hates me the way he does, but I ask that You'll either show me, or help me to disregard it. Things have been and are unfortunate, but I've let them be and I ask that You would continue to move me on with my life. Whatever in life keeps me restless, I pray that You'll help me to find peace and true rest in You. My heart has wings and I worship You for it all. Refine my soul until it reflects Your image. Thankyou for calling me beautiful.

-Your willing servant

Slowly, But Surely

"Slow and steady wins the race." -?

Not sure what will come out of this one...Don't really feel like writing, but for some reason I am...hmm?

Update on life: Yup, still alive :)

Things are going well...Nothing unusual or anything, but well. Don't know that God is showing me too much, but I know He is working. He's shown me today that I still have an envious/jealous heart from time to time, also that I can be a bit of a gossip. I don't like that...

Last night was good. I had a dinner date with Cherith and we sat and talked for some time. Came up with the idea to do some "cognitive therapy" together. Taking God's words and promises to fight off Satan's lies..Sounds good huh? Some of the stuff I'm struggling with include:

• Being Stagnant
• Un-contentment
• Control
• Thinking "I need to" fix things (as opposed to letting God handle it)
• Depending on personal strength

We looked up some scripture and found a lot of answers in Philippians, which is pretty cool cause I'm studying the book and also because my life verse is found in the 4th chapter. One cool thing we picked up on was that the verses surrounding my life verse all had to do with the most troubling issue: that of un-contentment. Then today I received a letter from my Aunt in Wisconsin, which started with this passage:

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:11-13

That was encouraging...

Sometimes I wonder if God is really working. Not to think that He doesn't care, but just because there isn't trauma or drama or situations truly effecting me right now? But then I think, if He's even bringing things to my attention, then He's working. He may not fix them anytime soon, but He will when He's ready...and He's preparing me.

After leaving and praying, almost immediately the spiritual warfare began. Praise the Almighty that Cherith was there with me. I could have entered one of the loneliest pits...but He spared me. I was able to bounce back a few minutes after, completely confused at how random it was that the issue effected me the way it did...I don't understand how Satan can use godly people to attack you...But as Cherith said in some way "Sometimes Satan uses our own swords to pierce us." ... How very true...

Still contemplating if God is trying to send me somewhere? It keeps coming up, but I want right motives. I don't' want to be better and do for spite to prove something. I don't want to go for the experience and I don't want to go because I'm a selfish being...I want to go because God wants to send me! It seems sort of impossible, whether it be raising the money and then also getting home...but if God wants it, He'll work it out I suppose.

I'm making new friends, but I'm trying to decide if its real or not? I find myself interested in new people, but I'm trying to decide if I'm making myself interested, or if I really am? Only time will tell I presume...

"He's never going to love me again." - A thought I said to myself as I was slipping from Grace. I wonder if this was a lie to get me down further or just a simple inkling of reality? I'm not sure, all I know is that I didn't dwell in it, only shed a few tears...Yes, it may be over a month now, but it can sting from time to time... Last night was a little hard at the b-day party. It really wasn't bad for the longest time. He was sweet at one point, which was nice and although there were times of awkward eye contact, it wasn't too bad. But just before he left, the longest stare with no expression but that of not caring and/or disgust, started to bother me. Soon enough it was over...

I don't know if you read this, I assume you've found your way here, (not that it would have taken a genius). I want to tell you some things, even though 80% of me doesn't want you to know even if I'm breathing anymore, let alone details...I guess kind of have a rhetorical conversation with you, even if you never respond...

Is it awkward for you when and if we see each other? I don't talk, because like the phone, I'm waiting for you to initiate conversation... Thank you for your offer the other night, that was kind and made me think that you don't completely despise me or find me annoying, but you know I won't take anything from you. How have you been? I'm guessing just fine, or atleast that's how you seem to be. I'm glad you've got friends around you. That's really great. I'm doing really well too... It's funny, because even though we both don't want each other to know what's going on in our lives, we find ways to still show it. You know that you're just as nosey as I am, but I'm glad you let me see things sometimes, even if it can hurt because I'm not around... I still miss you from time to time, but it's not like before. It's healthy... I'm getting to a place where I can be happy for you. I really want to be and I want to want the absolute best for you. Even if that isn't me... It's hard still for my mind to comprehend the fact that you don't love me. I just don't get how someone can love someone once and then just stop? But maybe I'm not supposed to understand? I have noticed though that this time isn't the same. It's not going to be that same cycle we've gone through before: not speaking for a few months, then becoming attatched in unhealthy ways all over again. It's weird to know that what one used to expect is not to be expected any longer... As much as I want to deny it, you still know me, or atleast parts of me. You know that I'll have hope (subtly in the back of my mind), until the day you get married, that's just who I am. There's nothing you can do about that, but don't worry...Slowly but surely, God is opening my palm and also releasing your hand... He's setting us both FREE...

I hope that someday, no matter in what form, our "great connection" (that God purposefully created), will be rectified... I love you, friend.

.....Whoa, guess I did have some stuff to say ;)

Refining Lessons

I should be doing homework, but I can't seem to move my body from this chair...

I don't know if I'm growing in God, but He is revealing more things to me. He's been showing me what to pray for, He's taken my thoughts captive, He's helped me to be even more honest than before, He's shown me how to direct each feeling that I feel. I really am beyond thankful for this. If He trusts me enough to be showing me these things, I must be growing in my intimacy, right? I truly hope so. I just now am searching for JOY. I've been messed up physically the past 2 days though and it has a lot to do with how I feel.

I live in fear...
This is something I realized tonight. I still live in the fear of his agenda... It's not so much that I want to please those of sinful flesh, its just the gut-wrenching feeling I get when I think someone I love has ill feelings towards me. I ultimately want to honor God above all. It's just hard when it seems that those in flesh are so much more demanding and so much more condemning... he's not in my life anymore and yet I still sit under the pressure of his hand. I pray for freedom...

I'm learning to hate sin. I'm learning how not to act on sin. It's difficult and people don't understand it, but it's good. Tonight, I've been shown through God's word and His people, that its okay to feel certain ways, it's just what I do with it. See, I am VERY ANGRY. So angry that it's starting to pain myself. But by God's GRACE and the Holy Spirit's intercession, I've been able to deal with it in proper ways. I'm thankful, because like I said, I continue to live in fear, even in general and that isn't good. I want to respond in rational ways. I don't want to create "wars" and I don't want my name wrongfully thrown through the mud once again. But most of all, I want to become sanctified. I want to be as godly a woman as God will allow.

Continue to show me Lord and I will follow...

Sick

That seems to be the word to describe today. I hurt...in more ways than one would care to know. But, this is my page and I don't care who reads it anymore...so therefore, I'll say what I want on it... (okay that was my childlike side coming out, haha)

Yesterday was decent, it was valentines day, which could have been awkward and hurtful and blabiddy blah blah, but it was fine. I babysat all night, but its all good...I do like money :)
There were times when Satan had a decent time making me wonder and think things... but whatever, such is life...

Today kinda sucked...My ear is throbbing and I don't like it. Didn't have time to get my prescriptions today after I saw the doctor, so therefore I'm still hurting :( Trying to get my throat better for Friday, before I have to sing in choir...

The mind: it's such a funny thing. In fact, sometimes I wish I had a different one. At others, I am thankful for my own... I AM SO BITTER at times. For real, its gross.
Whenever I see them together, I want to puke. Seeing her touch him and reach for him multiple times tonight was like punching me in the gut over and over...I think I'm now just starting to catch my breath again...It's so hard to get over that.

I stumbled across some old stuff yesterday...It could have been hard, but it was good. I have evidence of when he and I truly did love each other. From talking our last time, I questioned if we ever had? But now I know for sure. That brings comfort and peace. I cried a little...

Looking back and having evidence of what was once good and then seeing what elements we added to the relationship that messed it up, can be disappointing... I wonder what would have happened if we left those things out?

Oh well, everyone has to learn somehow, yeah?

Yes, when I talked to you today, I missed you. I hate it, because I'll miss you and then 5 minutes later, I forget you existed and I realize I don't miss you anymore. Then I think about it, and I get back here where I'm half-way in between...It's a vicious cycle. I'm glad you don't have this type of thing going on...

Anyway, back to talking to other people and myself...: I think its time to go do homework? I need to change my mind frame and sort through some things...Off to bed early tonight, time to recuperate. I leave you with a good note:
"Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling...Blessed are all who take refuge in Him." -Psalm 2:11&12

Goodnight my wonderful make believe people...

In Regards to Valentines Day:

Content.

It's Raining Inside...

It's a rainy day. A good description of how I feel inside. The sky must be crying, like my eyes...

I still have the Lord's Joy in my heart, its just kind of hard to see past the grey rain clouds right now...

I've lost that whom was once my best friend...I've lost my first true love...I lost my protector...I lost that whom I care most for....All in the same day.

I really do have a peace about this. I understand that this is what God wants for this time. The reality of it all though...The fact that I can't take care of him anymore, that I can't protect him, that I can't love him like a long to...Is hitting like a ton of bricks.

I'm so sorry for this past year... I know its been a living hell.
I'm so sorry....

Lord,
I surrender this all to You. Please take care of him. Please guard him. I pray that one day there will be a restored connection and/or reconciliation. I love him deeply, in the purest of sense, and I ask that You lead him in Your will. I BEG OF YOU to take care of him.
I pray for You to heal the blisters on my heart, especially when I miss him...
Your work is perfect... I praise You for the growth You've allowed us to have. Lead us on Your path. -Amen

Overflowing Joy of My Heart

-This unbelievable, unexplainable JOY has overcome me today! I can't even begin to tell you. But I hope that whomever you are, you'd be able to see the JOY, HAPPINESS, and LOVE expressed across my face. This is beyond amazing....

Why am I this way, you might ask? ...No real reason, except that my Lord is who He is and the intimacy between us is indescribable...

I prayed today in class and I always get nervous when I volunteer to pray. I always try to prepare for what I'm going to say, but today was not like that. Why? Because it wasn't me praying. IT WASN'T ME... The Holy Spirit's presence was so noticeable and He interceded for me. He let His words pour out of my lips. Truly amazing!! At lunch, people asked me what was going on with me, how I was doing and I couldn't really put words to it, except that my heart was OVERFLOWING. I started to cry tears of JOY, for real. Then God allowed me to see how He can use me to encourage others. I am beyond thankful.

PRAISE GOD FOR MAKING MY HEART SING!!! -If ever I loved Thee my Jesus, 'TIS NOW! :)

Sunshine & Pineapples

She had a really good day...She didn't know how to emphasize it enough? Everything just started off well, it was a peaceful morning...

She thought about being beyond excited about classes this semester. She is actually thoroughly enjoying them. She never thought she would be so excited to be taking classes or have classes that actually interested her, in her educational career. Then again, there's always time for a first...

She felt something today, something that she hadn't truly felt in a long time... She sat around listening as others lifted their voices in Prayer and through the bright Sun beaming on her face and the smell of pineapples as she took in slow breaths, she felt Him...

Probably the first true time since the summer, she felt the most amazing Joy in her heart. She thought how incredible it could be, that she felt such Joy even after having the odds against her and negative expressions thrown her way? She's been left breathless at times by the Grace of Him.

Lies, doubt and assumptions are still trying to eat away at her Joy, she's even almost come to tears... But not tonight, for the enemy will be trampled on by the bringer of her heart's Joy...

By her One True Love...

Porcelain Heart

Broken heart one more time. I pick it up, why even cry? Broken pieces in my hand, wondering how I'll make it whole?... You know, I pray this can't be the way.

I cry... I say somethings gotta change and mend this porcelain heart of mine.

Someone said a broken heart would sting at first then make you stronger... I wonder why this pain remains? Were hearts made whole just to break?

Creator, only you take brokeness and create it into beauty once again.

Creator, mend this heart of mine...

Something of My Own

I started a new journal (hand-written) today... I'm really excited about it. It's going to be used everyday either for quiet times or some time throughout the day... It's my journal to God.

Hit a rough patch this morning that made for some good content, but that wasn't why I wrote...

I absolutely love writing. I love writing my thoughts out and pouring out my heart on paper. The paper never seems to judge me for the words I write or the feelings I feel. It just patiently waits until I return to relieve my stress on its pages. It's something I treasure and now another thing that I can incorporate God into. Another thing I can say is just mine and God's.

This may just be what I've needed to jumpstart our relationship again? Perfect timing too ya know... For this month marks Mine and Jesus' 5 year anniversary. It's had its ups and downs, but I still love Him, I'm sure maybe even more, each day.

I Quit

I need a lobotomy, I swear...

I hate how my emotions are so haywire. Last night was completely awful and today I feel like just giving up on everything. I feel like just going back to school and shutting myself off from everyone and everything, maybe possibly some talks with some girls here and there but that's it! My self-esteem has just been shot to pieces and I really just don't even want to continue dealing, or deal with the consequences from me being psycho and stupid. If you don't care to listen/read any more of my emotional rollercoaster then don't continue reading, for I am going to vent...Also, if you don't: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON MY BLOG ANYWAY? Don't Come back!!!...For those (make believe) advid readers, please continue...

(see, told you I needed a lobotomy...or maybe just some strong pills)

Last night, a friend that I've helped for over a long period of time with an emotional thing basically told me last night that they don't want to talk to me anymore. I've been there for them and sought godly council before I even answered questions and everything, but because of the awkwardness now that they and their spouse will feel, they don't want to meet again (well I've never met the wife) and don't really want to talk. It's horrible what the sins of shame can do to people. "It's not like we were best friends" are the words he stated that keep ringing in my ear....Yes, it may be true, but I don't just confide in anyone and also take on the burdens of others without continuing to care. I just don't get how some people can do this. Why do I care so much about people, more than they do about me?

I spent from 6-10 at my fathers house last night. My car still isn't fixed. It failed inspection the other day and since then my dad has been trying to fix it...and he really wasn't all that bad, but the anger in his face (I think at himself) and some of the comments, just made me feel horrible. I already feel so guilty because he's been working on it all week, on top of working his job and he's been paying the money and everything. I feel awful... But I have been re-assured that my dad and step-mom do love me.

I have no money. CRAP, that reminds me, I have to pay my phone bill right now...UGH!, this whole life thing is driving me more nuts than I already am. I thought I had plenty of money in the bank, but I don't. I have to pay my phone bill, get an oil change and still try to make it back to school. I got one babysitting job, but they already told me that they wont be paying me what they usually do, because everyone is broke. I hate asking for money, I truly do...but it seems like everything that's been happening lately has to do with me coughing up some money. Maybe God is disciplining me and showing me how to be a better steward. I don't know...

Also, I get home from work and the lady I live with asks if I can move all my stuff out before I leave because the space is needed so her children can meet with a personal trainer! I wanted to bawl my eyes out. I HAVE 2 DAYS TO MOVE EVERYTHING!! I don't even have a friggin' truck. Never mind time to pack everything up and ship it. Luckily, I talked to my cousin's wife and she said I could use her storage unit. But its just like "Gosh, how fast does everyone want to get rid of me?"

So last night was just terribly awful, that may sound like nothing, but there were other things too that just crumbled my self-esteem to pieces. I waited again, again like a fool when I needed it most. More things just keep coming up too that give me more and more reason to walk away forever....

I am so tired...I don't even remember when I fell asleep last night, I just know that I cried myself into it...

But now I must go and shove everything under the rug again and pretend to be strong, because people just can't deal with me and my emotions and I need to keep my responsibility and go take care of my kids at the YMCA.

I'm more than ever ready to just quit... you can add it to my list of failures.

Wasted Evening

It's sort of awkward when things almost become routine... and then it stops.

Have you ever wasted away your Friday evening, when you could have been out with the few friends you have, living up your last weekend at home... but instead you find yourself watching movies all alone, while you know others are doing what you should be?

I hate it when my heart sinks like this... For some reason, although when I look at the clock I know its well past time, I still find myself having a sliver of hope. Just one sound is all I'm looking for...but for a while I won't hear it from anything that is connected to me...

The silence in this room is quite deafening...

I hate that I've wasted another night waiting... just like a fool, a fool that I must be.

Never Stopped Working

Mmm, God's been revealing a lot to me I think, but at the same time I kind of feel that not much is going on...it's hard to explain...I know God has been showing me things and moving in tremendous ways, I think I'm just still trying to figure out how and what He's done so far. I know it's there and I know things have been done, I'm just not 100% sure I know what it all looks like yet.

I felt the most uplifted by God the other night. Had an emotional time of prayer where I just rambled off things, none of it was pre-thought or anything...and its at those times I believe the most honesty comes out. It always proves well when I have those sort of prayer times. After I just blurt things out, things hit me in certain ways, things I never truly knew or thought of or knew I felt come out. It's really amazing to experience.

I experienced God work so fast this week, actually He worked within 20 minutes!! and I don't know that I've recognized that before... but I think it was because one of the few times in my life, I had 20 minutes before, truly gave everything to God and put all my trust in Him alone and admitted that I had no strength...and the result? : Probably one of the most God-honoring conversations I've ever had with a person I've known for a long time.
Kind of sad, but so amazing at the same time. To think that God can work even after so much past...

I stand in awe of the One being whom has never given up on me and has never let me down. I am forever grateful that God desires to change and mold my heart continually.

I'm falling in love all over again...

Conviction

"Maturity is the ability to postpone instant gratification for future reward."

-WMHK Radio

Christmas Break

Break over all has been well... It's had its rough spots, but things are looking up!

Something I've been doing lately that's new is before doing something or during, I've noticed that I've been asking myself something along the lines of

"how is this effecting my relationship with Christ? Is this edifying?"

and afterwards I've taken the time to reflect, even if over a movie or conversation and ask

"Did that hurt/improve anything in my life?"...

It may sound weird, me asking myself these questions :) but it actually feels really good.

During my conversations today with God, I was thinking about the things I've been struggling with and it just so happened today that the scriptures I read dealt pretty much 100% with them, aside from some of the junk that's effected the view of my self-worth, but it dealt with the core of these issues that've lead up to them. Very cool how My Lord works that way sometimes :) Yeah, He's a pretty cool guy if you ask me.

So, about this whole relationship thing with My Rock: we're working our way back up to being best friends... I'm excited. I've missed that for quite some time now... I think this will be good....

Well, I'm off to bed before an early day of cleaning and then a wedding...Thanks to all those who have had me in their prayers or thoughts. I appreciate it :)

"For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace." -Romans 6:14 ...

(Couldn't have said it better myself...)