Deep Breath

I’ve been really thankful these past few months for God answering my prayer of contentment. I’ve been so secure and not desiring things out of their time. It has been one of the most refreshing things to experience.

It has been so good that even the thought, I mean actual deep thought of being in a relationship, and I start to feel claustrophobic. Literally, my body tenses and my mind starts to panic in a way. I end up shutting the thought out and I go on being content. It has been this way for, I’d say about 5 months, maybe?

And then this weekend happened.

I had a great visit with my best friend from college and we spent it walking around the city of Boston. Aside from the extreme heat and awful pain of walking in poor shoes, it was great. The thing is, I met someone. However, I didn’t “meet someone” like everyone else puts it. I mean, I just met a guy, who happens to be sweet, funny, way too smart for me, and very attractive. There was nothing “exciting” or anything…but ever since I’ve left Boston, a lot has been on my mind, including this person. It’s just such a change from these past few months, yet I’m trying all I can to keep my mind off of it.

So what is this?

Am I realizing that it just may be quite nice to have a companion or do I just need to wait a few more days where time and distance will help me forget? Maybe it’s just a wake up call that I do still need to keep preparing myself for the future. I do need to grow in the Word and in my relationship with God. I need to be self-sufficient, responsible and dependable.

Apparently this is growing up. Learning patience, growing in grace and taking it day-by-day seems to be the essential steps in this process… or at least mine.

A deep breath... Here I go.

So Far...

Well, it's quite overdue that I write something. I usually only ever write when I'm inspired to, but just out of sheer boredom I think I'll write today.

I have graduated from college and since then, so much and so little has happened. It seems like forever ago that I was in school and that I was living in Columbia with fat-cat Mr. Werthers. Now, I'm here... living in an apartment that has a beautiful location and even has a great deal, yet I escape to my parent's house any chance I get... I think I do to avoid the drama at my apartment. I'm just so much more comfortable at my parent's house. I feel like I can be the closest thing to "me" as possible, apart from being at CIU.

I think I'm in an introverted stage right now. I just kind of want to be left alone; feel free to do my own thing, without being judged for it or someone constantly trying to diagnose me for what I'm going through, etc. (Which I'm not "going through" anything by the way, just... adjusting).

I'm jobless at the moment. I've found quite a few jobs in the paper... but I've yet to get around to applying for any of them. It seems I'm not such a "go-getter". I spend my time watching Food Network more than I'd like to admit; I have a hard time with the 4 year old that I live with because he's disrespectful; I think his mother is a drama queen and gossip and that annoys the crap out of me; I think he needs to be more disciplined; I wish he were mine sometimes so I could discipline him properly; I'm in no way ready to be a mother.

I haven't really talked to God in awhile... I haven't read His Word in such a long time and I miss it.

I'll be traveling to Boston this weekend and spending it with Sara... I pray this is the breath of fresh air that I need.

A Day in Asheville.

I’m sitting in Asheville, NC looking out the window at the grey, wet street while the sounds of jazz ring in my ears. This run down, sort of disturbing area has this sweet tone to it. It is very much bohemian sheik.

While eating a Lemon Bavarian dessert with fresh raspberries and sipping an extremely strong café latte’ I am brought back to my evening in Paris two summers ago. As gloomy as it might be here, there is a hint of summer in the breeze.

This is a much needed break from my life. To be here where nobody knows who I am. To them, I am just a girl in the brown sweater typing away on her computer about “only God knows what.” … although I do not know what opinion of me they have created in their mind, to me I feel that I look like a food critic (something I’ve always wanted to be), typing up my opinions of their dessert and coffee…. This is most definitely needed at this time in my life.

I have struggled lately with the impending close of this life chapter. I imagine that graduation day will be very difficult for me to get through. There are so many unknowns and yet life doesn’t pause and let you work through the details. The same responsibilities are still there no matter how long you try to avoid them; they won’t disappear.
I’ve been relishing lately on how big this chapter of my life has been, this being the chapter of college. It has been far greater than the previous eighteen years of my life and I just don’t know how to close it. The best way I can describe it is this way:

There is no way to avoid closing this chapter in my life. I am so afraid of turning the page, and yet I am dying to know what is on the other side.

This is where I have needed to call upon Christ; my strength and hope. I do not know the details; I only know what I learn each passing day. I know my desires and have been discouraged by trying to figure out the way to attain them… yet, God brings me back to Himself and I fall at His feet in need or surrender. Sometimes, it is day to day. Other times, it is hour by hour. Truly, it is a constant battle… but the comforting thought is this:

I belong to the Victor!

And so, I am about to head back to this house in Asheville where I am spending one more night, and then back to the school where I am teaching one more day. I’ll pack my bags and head back to Columbia to the life that will shortly end; a life of deadlines, books, friends and cafeteria food. As dull as that may sound, I pray it doesn’t go too fast and I pray to savor the moment- receiving all of it’s benefits and cherishing the moment I’m in.

In a short period of time real life will set in and the life of a grown up I’ll be living.
The strength of the Lord will be needed in more ways than one.

So, It's Wednesday...

I'm sitting downtown again, but this time outside listening to the cars on a humid night, the first day of August to be exact. Not only do I hear the cars stop and go, but there's 60's and 70's funk music playing, which just so happens to make me crack a smile.

The summer will come to an end shortly, in a matter of days and as much as I thought I was, I'm not quite ready to go back. I've enjoyed this freedom a lot. Anyway, that's not really my point here, My point boils down to Christ...

I've been dead for quite sometime... maybe hibernating, if you will, and it just so happens that 2 weeks before I head back to school the LORD rekindles the flame in my heart and gives me a cup of overflowing joy. Now, one might think this is perfect, what better way to head back to school? But now I feel like I wasted my summer. It flew by and I never really lived it out to it's potential or took advantage of it's opportunities. I've been interning at my church since May, and just now am I bonding with the Youth. There are friends that I've just recently made, although they've been here for a year, and now... they're leaving for good. Honestly, I'm pretty sad about it. Sad about it all really...

This is no reflection on Christ, but rather on my lack of devotion to Him and those whom He's placed in my life. And yet, He blesses me. There has been so much I've learned at church this summer that leaves me craving more. I was sitting at my house Monday night thinking "Man, I wish there was something going on at church tomorrow!".... Me, love church? Yes, yes I do.

Something that hit me tonight as Rod Arters spoke was :
"Do not approach God because you can get something from Him, but rather, seek just to be near Him."
You'd think I would have been quick enough to figure this out BEFORE my Senior year of college, but someone asked me what I was most looking forward to this year and my answer: "To learn about the Bible". Imagine, just being near God... to sit at the feet of Christ. My heart grows bigger with excitement at the thought... I'm thankful that he moved my heart at all, that He continued to pursue me and show His love to me and that He gave me the opportunity at all to answer His call to me.

Desire to know Him. This is my hope and assurance.

Tangerine Jazz.

Sitting downtown staring at a run down brick building, drinking some lovely coffee and listening to the sounds of big band jazz in the background... this has brought me to a happy place.
I think it would have been nice to live in the 30's. Such simplicity and grace about it all. To be able to sit back, relax, love and enjoy the life God has given you..... Why is that so hard to do today?

This summer has been the most exciting, yet stretching and difficult for me. I'm the most busy I've ever been and it makes me long for school to start again, as oxi-moronic as that may sound. Working, interning, meeting, schooling, driving, learning and forgiving. Really, I'm just living and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I want to retreat back to my days of a pre-teen and dance in my room to my favorite boy-band music, where my biggest worry up to date would have been if I had a pimple on my face or not. Instead, I worry about finances and if I'm turning out okay, or did I turn out okay? I worry about if I'm doing the right things in my life and will I ever have a "real" job? I worry that people are disappointed in me because my younger sister got engaged before I did? I worry that because my ex got married recently there might be something wrong with me, because I haven't. All of these lies I'm fed with daily, and more than I've even begun to mention, and all because of this fallen world we live in. I should be worrying about if I'm living my life for the proper reasons... to glorify the One true God, whom created me in His very image. It's time to get it together. I long for Heaven, truly I do.

So, until then, for this brief moment, I will picture myself enjoying creation with a summer dress, curls in my hair and pearls around my neck, listening to the jazz music against a tangerine sky, without a care in the world.

Experience

Columbia has been... interesting. It's been hot as well. And life, well.... that too has been interesting, to say the least. I don't want to write about the little things. I don't even want to write about anything really... except well, life. Not the shallow irrelevant things, but the things that make up life and all that it is... As of last night, someone else has chosen to take themselves out of mine.

I had a two hour conversation last night that I have every couple of months. It always starts off awkwardly simple and then past the 10 minute mark, 20 if I'm lucky, a big ball of conversation builds up into this stressful circle of disagreement. I try and try to understand and I just can't. They complain that I don't understand but then say that they don't want me to understand them. This is my only sister... but as of last night, she clearly stated that the only reason why we are to be called sisters is because, as fate would have it, we both came from the same woman.
I just want to understand. I'm not saying everyone has to believe what I do or have the same opinion, I just want to learn about others and why they believe what they do and why they don't believe what I do. Is that so... personal? Is that so.. disrespectful? Isn't that the reason why I came to College? I came to educate myself further about my own faith and to learn about the faiths that differ from my own... and somehow I'm wrong for this.

It has puzzled me for sometime now how two people can grow up in the same house, same parents and be so different. It doesn't make sense. Maybe it all boils down to the differences of experience, but were they so different? I experienced abuse, she didn't. I experienced immense responsibility, she didn't. I experienced the loss of love, she didn't. Did I experience Christ and she hasn't? Maybe that's the answer... maybe that's why I can get past my negative experiences and she holds onto them and creates a life of bitterness? I just don't know.

All I know is that according to her, only family can be the topic of conversation.... according to her, I don't have a sister. I just don't know what to do, honestly. But these... these are the things that make up life... Life is what I am experiencing.

Life & Death

I feel like the past couple of months have led up to this...

I attended a funeral today. These things can be so awkward. Although there were personal distractions, the service was one of the most beautiful things I've experienced. Everything, even down to her obituary was a testimony to us all, saved and lost. One of her grandchildren even decided to commit his life to Christ after the service... I imagine the angels are singing.

Just going through the motions, being with the family and kids all week to prepare for their grandmother's funeral has been eating at me. For a couple of months now I've had death on the mind. Not to worry I promise, but rather about how I will die and so forth. One day at work I was listening to a co-worker, who is an older woman, talking about how she's "losing her mind"... and rather than joking with her, I thought to myself "Will I make it to the age where I may begin to lose me mind?"... this is all such a mystery to me. Will I ever make it to an old age? Will I die in my twenties?.. and that leads me to thinking about when I DO die...

I know I say I think about it, but at the same time I try and make my mind shut it off and shut it out, so that I can't think about it. Am I making sense? I know as a follower of Christ, I should not be afraid... and I don't fear where I'm going.. I fear how I will die and just dieing in general. All I know is this world.... I don't know Heaven, and I'm scared. I watched a video of this grandmother before she passed and she talked about what she thought Heaven would be like and I just started to cry... not because she was gone, but because I'm so scared... Is this a control issue? Maybe.

I trust that however long I live, God will make my life fruitful... I know that when I enter the gates of Heaven and Christ's arms are wrapped around me, I'll be much better off... At the same time, I wonder if I'll feel his arms? Is there life beyond this, is there eternity? I believe there is... but do I believe it just because it's been spoon fed to me?

I need to start "feeding" myself....Now, where do I begin?

Severed Strings

In parts, my week has been hell.... At least in MY world it has been. Well, Sunday ironically, was hell. But I've moved past it, have taken the space I think is wise to take and have begun to move in a new direction of life. I guess living it for myself now, rather than others. That may sound selfish I realize, but at the same time, I can't keep living up to everyone else's expectations of me. Everyone expects me to make everything concerning them priority... if I do that, that defeats the purpose and nothing becomes priority. There needs to be a give and take somewhere... There needs to be balance.

I learned today that connective strings I've made need to be cut. I've never done that on my own before. Last time I had to do that, it had to be pointed out to me and I had to be prayed through the process. Today, I recognized it alone. I've realized that there are just some things in life that I can't compromise on. There are just some things in life that I can't respect a person for and because of it, the ties need to be cut. It's unfortunate, but necessary. I guess it's true that some people are only meant to be a part of your life for a season. I didn't expect that of certain people...But honestly, I think I'm okay with that.

It's been a little difficult, but it seems that all I can do is resist the urge to control, sit back and watch everything unfold... even if it does seem like it's a trainwreck waiting to happen. I need to let God handle His children, including myself, any way He sees fit. So, in that case...

I'm Letting Go.