Shattered

What is this thing I'm feeling inside?
It's so gloomy and so cold.
My mind is racing with a million thoughts
and not one of them my grasp can hold...
I've had pictures thought up
and plans set in stone,
but tonight, out of nowhere
I've found that these were never to become my own.
These dreams have been torn
and ripped from these hands
but, somehow I know I'm learning to submit to His plans...

That was the night that my heart shattered into a million pieces... I swear that's what it felt like....

It hurts so so much and as these tears fall from my eyes, I forget about all that I should be doing and am quickly reminded of the things that need to be forgotten...

I never thought that I would have to fight off these thoughts entirely...no, I never did. I always thought it would be a temporary thing and that someday, you'd come to your senses and realize that we truly were made for each other. That when God was knitting me in my mother's womb, He knew He was creating me for you...

I guess I jumped the gun...

And we sit here grieving....................... my heart aches for you.

I wonder if there would be less pain if you had died? Because then I'd know that it was ENTIRELY over, ya know? I wouldn't have to think about you being somewhere in the world without me, loving someone else... But then again, I could never imagine you not being a part of me or I a part of you.

I'm not angry, and I'm not bitter at all and I would never ever hate you... I am just so full of sorrow.

Although you may not have died, I think for a time, my heart has... I'm sorry that I can't stop crying...

But I will try with all of the might that Christ has given me, to remember the good in this. I really will... We will be so good and in the end, with whatever God chooses for each of our paths, we'll be happy...

We can love each other in a way that Christ loves us now...We're becoming selfless, one of the things we both have so desperately wanted...I am thankful for that.

I love you... and I always will.

Lost Somehow

"Show me the path where I should walk, O LORD; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me..." -Psalm 25:4-5

I've had a lot of things running through my head today, yet I am emotionles...I've tried to cry to get it out, but my tears will not flow...WHAT IS THIS??? What has happened to my "trusty friends?" Have they left me too? ...ok, this is getting ridiculous...

One thought in particular that I've considered today was "Am I even really a Christian?"....I profess it and I thought about it, and couldn't imagine not having Christ to turn to and to not have Him in my life, but maybe my numb state has left me to feel that He's non-existent in my life...

No, He is existent, I guess I just question what I really am, for my actions speak otherwise...

This bitterness, jealousy and selfishness seems to be ever-present in my life. I say I want it gone and I say I'm going to take action about it, but it never quite entirely follows through.

I have other sin in my life too, but to be completely honest, I'm not so sure I want it gone...I like the way I feel during those moments...But then my world comes crashing down when I have to suffer the consequences...That is the part I don't like, where as I should be hating the sin, I'm hating the punishment instead... and in turn, I am hurting others because of it.

I was listening to a friend of mine speak tonight, and he said something to the effect that not everyone at CIU is going to heaven...He believes there are a lot of people here who aren't saved. He's been here 4 years and has seen no growth in some...I wonder if that is me, or if I'm going to fall into that category...All because of this not wanting to change in certain areas...

My relationship with God is stationary at the moment. Nothing profound is happening or going on, at least on my part of it. I just don't feel this deep connection or purpose behind it. If all things are supposed to give Glory to God in the end, how the heck is a relationship that is doing nothing going to achieve that?

I don't think that I'm truly repentive...I see sin and I see that its bad, but I never seem to grieve in a godly way over it. I've even lied when asked if I've repented, when I really hadn't, because I just seemed to have forgotten...

I see myself searching for temptation rather than resisting it. I think I do that to feel that I am of some worth. Like today for example, I know that I am truly sorry, but I'm not sorry for what I did, I'm sorry that what I did caused someone grief. I find myself having the wrong motives for whatever sorrow I muster up...its because I know it really is bad and it hurts others, but I never feel sorry because its hurting God...Why is that? This really makes me feel like dirt. I don't know what it's going to take to get me out of this?

There is no profound revelation at the end of this blog as there has been with the others. I'll be straight here: I don't know what to do? I don't feel better and I don't know something new about God that gives me encouragement. But I do know one thing, I need prayer...

Pray that God will let me grieve in a godly manner...Pray that I'll be able to feel again...Pray for God to show me what to do, because if this doesn't change, there are going to be a lot of things for me to consider, and I'm just not sure how much more anxiety and having things ripped from my life I can handle.

Prayer seems to be the only thing that could change me now...

Drifting Apart

"Life never asks you what you want. It's just gonna have its way...Sometimes it doesn't give like it takes" -Jessica Simpson

I am sorry to say that I just can't seem to find anything with meaning behind it to write about anymore...This isn't exactly pleasing...I've tried to think about it, I've been reflecting time to time about what I'm doing with my life and I came up with this: ....A whole lot of nothing!

I can't let this effect me anymore...I can't. I'm wasting away my life sitting here feeling numb. I see this needs to change, but guess what I'm doing at this moment? Exactly what I shouldn't be...

I keep thinking about stuff in my head, trying to find a thought that would give me some feeling, but I can't find it...I actually find myself searching for something to be mad about, or sad about or happy about, but I can't find anything that is actually worth feeling these things over...

This stage of transition has left me so disengaged from relationships...I think its because I don't ever want to enter one again where I would have to do this...I don't want to have to censor certain parts of me that make me who I am...

I see us drifting so far apart, and I know I'm trying to grab onto something, trying to somehow keep parts of considerable content swept in a corner for safe keeping, but its being searched out and ripped away...

I've been told that there needs to be more cutting off, yet I don't see how there is anything left? All it has done is left me confused and I feel the tension between us. It is so strong and negative. I don't like it...

Regardless of how this hurts now, someday we'll move on, it will be a new season for each of us...The only thing that we can expect from this is the knowledge that no matter how much it caused pain or made us emotionally frozen, atleast our hearts were guarded... Right?

I pray that we make it through...

Rough Night

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." - Psalm 126:5

Why the hell couldn't we just have gotten it right from the beginning?
-This is a question I come across every once in awhile, but tonight its been like a broken record...

If I knew the resulting feelings I would experience, I would probably have never opened my mouth...But because I did, I am here...here feeling like crap.

There has got to be something wrong with this...Why am I sitting alone watching movies?
Why am I eating Raisinets and have a candy bar waiting for me in my room, after I already ate Ice cream and pie and had 4 pieces of cheesecake within the past 24 hours and who knows what else? ....This is not okay, but its like it's the only thing I can bring myself to do... Looks like this is a "sweet bill"...

I'm so alone, yet I don't want to be around anyone...I just want to be held, yet I don't want to be vulnerable...

Lord, I don't know why I'm here, but I am and You've let it be...a little explanation would be well received...I need to see the big picture, open my eyes...

The Hole

Create in me a clean heart, O God...

And renew a right spirit within me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God...

And renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away, from Thy presence O Lord
Take not Thy Holy Spirit from me...
Restore unto me, the joy of Thy Salvation...

And renew a right spirit within me...

A piece that had been so attached, has now been ripped out and I feel the emptiness it brings. But hey...that spot is going to be filled with The Creator of joy and peace, right?...

It may be an end, but yet, it's also a beginning......

Dad, it's time to let You feed my soul's appetite...

Mirror

Mirror, Mirror on the wall: have I got it? 'Cause Mirror, you've always told me who I am...

I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect...

So sorry, you won't define me. Sorry, you don't own me.

Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you?

I don't need to listen to the list of things I should do...I won't try, no, I won't try. You don't define me...

Mirror, I am seeing a new reflection...I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me and to Him, I have beauty beyond compare.

I know He defines me...