..."A Future and a Hope."

There just so happens to be roughly a million things on my mind... Things I am feeling so burdened about. They mostly have to do with my family, both current and potential future, and also my standing or relationship with God. Rather than worrying and asking for things through prayer for myself, I'm realizing more and more that even if it effects me, its not all about me. Also, that my prayer life and perspective need to change. Here are a few of those million things...

First thing on my mind is my nephew Collin. He is my first nephew and first baby in the family. He was born 15 week prematurely and it has been a struggle since his birth for him. He has had good days for sure, but there continue to be different challenges each day. I cannot even fathom what my sister or brother-in-law are going through, with their child's health in jeopardy. Then again..at the same time, as much as I adore children and he's my own blood, its hard to grasp the concept of everything, because I'm so far away. I ask people to pray, but I find that I do not pray enough myself.

Second thing on my mind is the lost... specifically those in my family who don't know Christ. Even more specific, Nick's brother. I've now had two conversations with him, and over those four plus hours, we've gone round and round, debating things of this world and the heavenly realm. Although I do not know all of the specifics, his life has been extremely rough, which has left his view of God completely skewed and himself, damaged. When I hear him talk about the things he believes, (or the things he doesn't believe), it makes my heart sad. How can someone be so broken that they've turned their back on God and refuse to see the truth?  I find myself needing to defend everything I believe, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, but I don't know how to present things in a gentle way and I never have. I get fired up and can't back down. Presenting what I would call truth, is one of the few times I become passionate. He calls himself a "man of facts" but disregards the facts I present to him. I leave the conversations discouraged and sad for the lack of what he is able to see. Surely won't the God that I know, the ONE TRUE God, heal him and draw him back to Himself?

This leads me to the third thing racing around in my mind; that which is my future. Now that I am in a relationship, I find myself thinking of my future often; some of it is pleasant and even encourages hope and joy in my life. Some of it discourages me and makes me wonder if I'm making the right decisions. When I say "right", I mean those that are most pleasing to God; for no matter my future, that is my utmost calling. Due to the previous paragraph, I find myself heavy-laden with the situation of my relationship. Nick's brother has played such an influential role in his life. He has helped to mold Nick's ideas and view of the world,while Nick has still held on to God. In Nick's world, there is room for both God and some of his brother's views...and this scares me. A month a go, I was ready to be engaged...now I'm wondering if we could work? I am worried beyond belief that if Nick and I marry, his brother will have more influence over him than I do. I do not mean this as a matter of control, but that I'm frightened of who Nick will allow to pour into his life and what that would mean for our marriage and our children.There are some foundational things in our faith, how to run our future family, and who we are as people that we don't see eye to eye on. Some of it I know I could let go; they aren't important, but some I can't budge on. I hope that whoever Nick chooses to allow to pour into his life, it'll be someone that makes him more Christ like and that that would be his desire.

As I look at all of these things racing in my mind, weighing on my heart, and grieving my spirit, I'm realizing the true issues. Rather than asking for prayer from others I need to be doing it myself; and not a half-hearted, empty prayer, but on my knees/tears streaming kind of prayer; to be completely moved by the Spirit. Also, my issue is faith. I forget the power of God frequently. I see situations like the ones above and my faith waivers as I can't figure out how to solve them. I need to remember that its not me who can work in these situations, but God. It's not my work that will move them, but the work of the cross.

He has set my path before the foundations of the Earth and however this turns out, it will be for my good and for His glory.

Older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go, life goes on.
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out, so they say.

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore.
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder.
It's kinda tough getting older.

Here before my eyes, many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now.
If I take a chance,
What lies down the road?
Feeling so confused, turned round.

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older...