Older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go, life goes on.
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out, so they say.

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore.
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder.
It's kinda tough getting older.

Here before my eyes, many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now.
If I take a chance,
What lies down the road?
Feeling so confused, turned round.

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older...

Something's Missing...

"Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out while I am someone else?" - John Mayer

Man, it's been awhile. I really don't even know what to say or what words to use to describe how my life has been lately. Maybe the best word would be: lonely.
Yeah, I think that's the one.

Everyday is the same thing: Class, work, bed; repeat. I feel like I have so much to do, yet I don't feel like I'm ever doing anything. I don't have time to spend with people, yet I desire to immensely.
I've been learning a lot lately, especially in one particular class and it's helped me to understand a bit more about myself. I think my loneliness has to do with the fact that one, I've been busy, but two, that Quality time is an important thing to me. It's essential to fill my "love tank" as Dr. Gary Chapman says in his books. And this is something that has drastically been minimized in my life.

I think it's not so much the fact that people aren't trying to include me, but more that I don't have the time pour into other's lives. But then again, why aren't other's seeking my friendship? I find that slightly strange. Hmmm?...

Anyway, everything just seems to be on the downfall right now. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm serious. I don't know where in my schedule I can move around, cut down or budge anything to balance it all... it seems it may have to be this way all semester.

Again, I'm just rambling, but it's nice to be able to write it down. I don't know what else to do, but give it to the LORD.. really is there anything else? I fear my deep desire to be consumed by and in the word of God is becoming faint. I know my heart still desires this, but the feeling of how strong it is seems to be going away... I don't want this, yet don't know how to fix it.

Father God, I pray that You would give me specific direction and that all I may think, say or do would honor Your name. I pray that You wouldn't just reign in my spiritual life, but in all areas of it. Help me along during this "gray" time I pray. I thank You for redeeming my soul from the pit of despair. You are my refuge and strength. I pray never to forget that. Amen.

Severed Strings

In parts, my week has been hell.... At least in MY world it has been. Well, Sunday ironically, was hell. But I've moved past it, have taken the space I think is wise to take and have begun to move in a new direction of life. I guess living it for myself now, rather than others. That may sound selfish I realize, but at the same time, I can't keep living up to everyone else's expectations of me. Everyone expects me to make everything concerning them priority... if I do that, that defeats the purpose and nothing becomes priority. There needs to be a give and take somewhere... There needs to be balance.

I learned today that connective strings I've made need to be cut. I've never done that on my own before. Last time I had to do that, it had to be pointed out to me and I had to be prayed through the process. Today, I recognized it alone. I've realized that there are just some things in life that I can't compromise on. There are just some things in life that I can't respect a person for and because of it, the ties need to be cut. It's unfortunate, but necessary. I guess it's true that some people are only meant to be a part of your life for a season. I didn't expect that of certain people...But honestly, I think I'm okay with that.

It's been a little difficult, but it seems that all I can do is resist the urge to control, sit back and watch everything unfold... even if it does seem like it's a trainwreck waiting to happen. I need to let God handle His children, including myself, any way He sees fit. So, in that case...

I'm Letting Go.