Surprising how I started my break looking out the window, and as I write here, finishing it up, the cool waves are once again flowing my way as the orange sunset shines through. This has been my break really. A time of endless thoughts... just as the water seems endless in my view.
I had left school in December looking forward to being alone once I got home. Maybe I had just had too much of a social life than I've been used to and I looked forward to being alone in my apartment here in New Hampshire to regroup or something... but it was more of an
"or something". I'm not sure it's good for me to be alone for too long. My mind goes off into different areas and I'm not sure what to make of my thoughts... how to piece them together. This season is generally hard for me to begin with, having suffered from situational depression the past 2 years during this time. I'm fine now and I praise God for removing me from the situation, but not having any friends up here besides family can be difficult. Not many understand my thoughts... I'm not even sure if I do, at least I can't articulate well.
I'm scared to go back to school. Really scared. I had a real rough semester academically and I think I'm scared of failure. I'm scared that I won't finish on time and I won't be able to graduate from CIU. I'm scared of relationships too. This past semester was wonderful for me socially! It was probably the first time that I actually had a social life... but this break has given me time to contemplate the different dimensions of those. I don't know much, but I know walls have been put up by me for different people and this may be due to my past and baggage, but they're there now. This break I've missed someone more than I ever expected to... I think I've actually missed them more than I've ever missed anyone...
not knowing what that means=walls. But, I know it's not the time nor my responsibility to figure this out....
In a
previous post I wrote: "
Heart, be silent... Mind, be still... Soul, wait" and I realize that this is still what needs to happen. The LORD has been so good to me and has proven His goodness over and over. I wish I could remember it every time I start to get anxious. It has helped me get through this break and helped me to suck it up and get ready to fly back to SC. I need to remember that I'm in good hands... They won't drop me.
