Stream of Consciousness

Bored and having many random things running through my head... its been far too long since I've written anything, so I thought "why not keep it simple for the first post back?" Welp, here goes...

-I usually "run" hot, but it is freezing in this office today. Wish I had a blanket.

-I've "met" a man. We actually met when I was 12 & he was 15. We were best friends in High school, lost touch for 7 years...got back in touch this past March and we've been talking every day since. This has been such a different time in my life...blessings, joys, struggles, love & growth. It's been an eventful 7 months for sure that were nothing short of wonderful.

-Fall is among us! The colors, smells, crisp mornings. The hope of this season is what gets me through the nasty summers. Bring on the scarves!

-I've started training for a 5k. If any of you know me, you know that I am not fit, nor have I ever run other than for the required "Mile Run" in high school or maybe to chase after an ice cream truck! I'm looking forward to the end result..even though its painful.

-My family is expecting its first baby! My sister is pregnant with my nephew, Collin Michael, who is expected to make his first appearance in the world in February. Couldn't be happier about this! He will undoubtedly be the most spoiled and loved baby on the planet. :)

-This past weekend, 6 out of 8 of a close group of college girls got together. Every time that we do, I feel such comfort. For 4 years, these women were "home" to me. Now we're growing up...3 are married and there are 5 babies in there somewhere. We're dispersed throughout the states, but somehow, when we get together its like we never left each other. It was such a great blessing to me to spend that time together.

-Galatians 5:22-23 has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm learning just how little of the spirit I am in tune with. I pray that He will continue to work in me.

-My best friend Sara & I are attempting to limit our Sugar intake until Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, Sugar is my kryptonite.

-Long distance relationships are not easy. When considering entering into it, I thought "eh, its no big deal, we can do this no problem..." Dang, I was quite naive. That man, Nicholas (Nick), has now moved to California...57 days until we see each other again. Ugh.

-This website gives me such inspiration! Check it out..I'm sure you'll love it too!

-61 days until Christmas! So looking forward to being in the beautiful landscape of New England and with my family. I laugh with them like no one else.

Well...I suppose I should get back to work. Have a great day all!

So, It's Wednesday...

I'm sitting downtown again, but this time outside listening to the cars on a humid night, the first day of August to be exact. Not only do I hear the cars stop and go, but there's 60's and 70's funk music playing, which just so happens to make me crack a smile.

The summer will come to an end shortly, in a matter of days and as much as I thought I was, I'm not quite ready to go back. I've enjoyed this freedom a lot. Anyway, that's not really my point here, My point boils down to Christ...

I've been dead for quite sometime... maybe hibernating, if you will, and it just so happens that 2 weeks before I head back to school the LORD rekindles the flame in my heart and gives me a cup of overflowing joy. Now, one might think this is perfect, what better way to head back to school? But now I feel like I wasted my summer. It flew by and I never really lived it out to it's potential or took advantage of it's opportunities. I've been interning at my church since May, and just now am I bonding with the Youth. There are friends that I've just recently made, although they've been here for a year, and now... they're leaving for good. Honestly, I'm pretty sad about it. Sad about it all really...

This is no reflection on Christ, but rather on my lack of devotion to Him and those whom He's placed in my life. And yet, He blesses me. There has been so much I've learned at church this summer that leaves me craving more. I was sitting at my house Monday night thinking "Man, I wish there was something going on at church tomorrow!".... Me, love church? Yes, yes I do.

Something that hit me tonight as Rod Arters spoke was :
"Do not approach God because you can get something from Him, but rather, seek just to be near Him."
You'd think I would have been quick enough to figure this out BEFORE my Senior year of college, but someone asked me what I was most looking forward to this year and my answer: "To learn about the Bible". Imagine, just being near God... to sit at the feet of Christ. My heart grows bigger with excitement at the thought... I'm thankful that he moved my heart at all, that He continued to pursue me and show His love to me and that He gave me the opportunity at all to answer His call to me.

Desire to know Him. This is my hope and assurance.

The Weekend.

This is just something to hold me over until I actually have TIME to write something...

The stirring within

I want to be questioned

but I try not to think.

Trying to pretend

so scared to get hurt,

be let down once again.

I give You my mind, LORD.

I give You my heart...

I want to feel, but I don't at all.

Let me feel You, LORD

to be consumed from within.

"Bad Tapes"

-No Guy will ever want to be in a relationship with me because I'm too intense, loud and joke around too much (annoying).
-If I'm in control, it will always be my way.
-If I'm left out, than I must not be liked.
-If a friendship is uneven, where I give more than the other, that is horrible.
-I am always being watched and judged.
-If I'm obnoxious I won't be loved & accepted.
-If I'm not accepted, that's horrible.
-There's something wrong with me because I'm self-conscious.
-If I'm skinny, I'll be happy.
-Who I am as a person isn't enough.
-Who I am as a person does not have innate value.
-If I don't take care of someone, they won't love me.
-If I don't succeed, I'll be a disappointment.
-If I don't have it all together, I won't have a role.. I must live by my labels.

This is the long list my "counselor" came up with after only one session of Cognitive Therapy for class... Where did all of this come from? All of these "bad tapes" had to have started to record somewhere. I do feel all of these things sometimes, and this wasn't even the whole list. I feel helpless and not very confident that more sessions will help me re-write them into "good tapes".
I need prayer...

Exhaustion

I said how I envisioned the future....
I said how much I missed them when they're gone...
I said how I possibly felt...
I said practically everything that has gone through my head....

... turns out that's where it should have stayed.

I'm so tired...
so tired of learning to breathe.

When I Can't Say...

Exhaustion effects emotions, which leads to the never ending thoughts inside my head.
A sense of loneliness sets as it clouds the state of contentment I am in.
The walls are being torn down, which is encouraging and comforting, positive too... but at the same time I'm not sure how it is that I am supposed to be. I'm not sure of anything.

When I can't say how I envision the future...
When I can't say how much I miss them when they're gone...
When I can't say that I know exactly how I feel...
When I can't say everything that goes on in my mind...

Is when the loneliness sets in.

I'm content for now... but I'm not sure I will be forever.

Winter Conclusion.

Surprising how I started my break looking out the window, and as I write here, finishing it up, the cool waves are once again flowing my way as the orange sunset shines through. This has been my break really. A time of endless thoughts... just as the water seems endless in my view.

I had left school in December looking forward to being alone once I got home. Maybe I had just had too much of a social life than I've been used to and I looked forward to being alone in my apartment here in New Hampshire to regroup or something... but it was more of an "or something". I'm not sure it's good for me to be alone for too long. My mind goes off into different areas and I'm not sure what to make of my thoughts... how to piece them together. This season is generally hard for me to begin with, having suffered from situational depression the past 2 years during this time. I'm fine now and I praise God for removing me from the situation, but not having any friends up here besides family can be difficult. Not many understand my thoughts... I'm not even sure if I do, at least I can't articulate well.

I'm scared to go back to school. Really scared. I had a real rough semester academically and I think I'm scared of failure. I'm scared that I won't finish on time and I won't be able to graduate from CIU. I'm scared of relationships too. This past semester was wonderful for me socially! It was probably the first time that I actually had a social life... but this break has given me time to contemplate the different dimensions of those. I don't know much, but I know walls have been put up by me for different people and this may be due to my past and baggage, but they're there now. This break I've missed someone more than I ever expected to... I think I've actually missed them more than I've ever missed anyone... not knowing what that means=walls. But, I know it's not the time nor my responsibility to figure this out....

In a previous post I wrote: "Heart, be silent... Mind, be still... Soul, wait" and I realize that this is still what needs to happen. The LORD has been so good to me and has proven His goodness over and over. I wish I could remember it every time I start to get anxious. It has helped me get through this break and helped me to suck it up and get ready to fly back to SC. I need to remember that I'm in good hands... They won't drop me.