Refining Lessons

I should be doing homework, but I can't seem to move my body from this chair...

I don't know if I'm growing in God, but He is revealing more things to me. He's been showing me what to pray for, He's taken my thoughts captive, He's helped me to be even more honest than before, He's shown me how to direct each feeling that I feel. I really am beyond thankful for this. If He trusts me enough to be showing me these things, I must be growing in my intimacy, right? I truly hope so. I just now am searching for JOY. I've been messed up physically the past 2 days though and it has a lot to do with how I feel.

I live in fear...
This is something I realized tonight. I still live in the fear of his agenda... It's not so much that I want to please those of sinful flesh, its just the gut-wrenching feeling I get when I think someone I love has ill feelings towards me. I ultimately want to honor God above all. It's just hard when it seems that those in flesh are so much more demanding and so much more condemning... he's not in my life anymore and yet I still sit under the pressure of his hand. I pray for freedom...

I'm learning to hate sin. I'm learning how not to act on sin. It's difficult and people don't understand it, but it's good. Tonight, I've been shown through God's word and His people, that its okay to feel certain ways, it's just what I do with it. See, I am VERY ANGRY. So angry that it's starting to pain myself. But by God's GRACE and the Holy Spirit's intercession, I've been able to deal with it in proper ways. I'm thankful, because like I said, I continue to live in fear, even in general and that isn't good. I want to respond in rational ways. I don't want to create "wars" and I don't want my name wrongfully thrown through the mud once again. But most of all, I want to become sanctified. I want to be as godly a woman as God will allow.

Continue to show me Lord and I will follow...

Sick

That seems to be the word to describe today. I hurt...in more ways than one would care to know. But, this is my page and I don't care who reads it anymore...so therefore, I'll say what I want on it... (okay that was my childlike side coming out, haha)

Yesterday was decent, it was valentines day, which could have been awkward and hurtful and blabiddy blah blah, but it was fine. I babysat all night, but its all good...I do like money :)
There were times when Satan had a decent time making me wonder and think things... but whatever, such is life...

Today kinda sucked...My ear is throbbing and I don't like it. Didn't have time to get my prescriptions today after I saw the doctor, so therefore I'm still hurting :( Trying to get my throat better for Friday, before I have to sing in choir...

The mind: it's such a funny thing. In fact, sometimes I wish I had a different one. At others, I am thankful for my own... I AM SO BITTER at times. For real, its gross.
Whenever I see them together, I want to puke. Seeing her touch him and reach for him multiple times tonight was like punching me in the gut over and over...I think I'm now just starting to catch my breath again...It's so hard to get over that.

I stumbled across some old stuff yesterday...It could have been hard, but it was good. I have evidence of when he and I truly did love each other. From talking our last time, I questioned if we ever had? But now I know for sure. That brings comfort and peace. I cried a little...

Looking back and having evidence of what was once good and then seeing what elements we added to the relationship that messed it up, can be disappointing... I wonder what would have happened if we left those things out?

Oh well, everyone has to learn somehow, yeah?

Yes, when I talked to you today, I missed you. I hate it, because I'll miss you and then 5 minutes later, I forget you existed and I realize I don't miss you anymore. Then I think about it, and I get back here where I'm half-way in between...It's a vicious cycle. I'm glad you don't have this type of thing going on...

Anyway, back to talking to other people and myself...: I think its time to go do homework? I need to change my mind frame and sort through some things...Off to bed early tonight, time to recuperate. I leave you with a good note:
"Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling...Blessed are all who take refuge in Him." -Psalm 2:11&12

Goodnight my wonderful make believe people...

In Regards to Valentines Day:

Content.

It's Raining Inside...

It's a rainy day. A good description of how I feel inside. The sky must be crying, like my eyes...

I still have the Lord's Joy in my heart, its just kind of hard to see past the grey rain clouds right now...

I've lost that whom was once my best friend...I've lost my first true love...I lost my protector...I lost that whom I care most for....All in the same day.

I really do have a peace about this. I understand that this is what God wants for this time. The reality of it all though...The fact that I can't take care of him anymore, that I can't protect him, that I can't love him like a long to...Is hitting like a ton of bricks.

I'm so sorry for this past year... I know its been a living hell.
I'm so sorry....

Lord,
I surrender this all to You. Please take care of him. Please guard him. I pray that one day there will be a restored connection and/or reconciliation. I love him deeply, in the purest of sense, and I ask that You lead him in Your will. I BEG OF YOU to take care of him.
I pray for You to heal the blisters on my heart, especially when I miss him...
Your work is perfect... I praise You for the growth You've allowed us to have. Lead us on Your path. -Amen

Overflowing Joy of My Heart

-This unbelievable, unexplainable JOY has overcome me today! I can't even begin to tell you. But I hope that whomever you are, you'd be able to see the JOY, HAPPINESS, and LOVE expressed across my face. This is beyond amazing....

Why am I this way, you might ask? ...No real reason, except that my Lord is who He is and the intimacy between us is indescribable...

I prayed today in class and I always get nervous when I volunteer to pray. I always try to prepare for what I'm going to say, but today was not like that. Why? Because it wasn't me praying. IT WASN'T ME... The Holy Spirit's presence was so noticeable and He interceded for me. He let His words pour out of my lips. Truly amazing!! At lunch, people asked me what was going on with me, how I was doing and I couldn't really put words to it, except that my heart was OVERFLOWING. I started to cry tears of JOY, for real. Then God allowed me to see how He can use me to encourage others. I am beyond thankful.

PRAISE GOD FOR MAKING MY HEART SING!!! -If ever I loved Thee my Jesus, 'TIS NOW! :)