It seems that I can't quite keep up with this.....
I come back around every year or so it seems.... Maybe if I had kept up with it, I'd have had an easier time getting through things.
I re-read my last entry and decided to pick up from there...even though no one else reads this, I figure that might be best.
Its funny how things weigh on ones mind...and then how quickly those things fade away.
Addressing those things that I last wrote: First, I still can't imagine what my sister and brother in law went through with the premature birth of my nephew; however, by God's grace, Collin is thriving and a happy boy! You can read about their whole journey at: Collinmadison.blogspot.com . In fact, we were able to see God's plan through it...as Collin was born in November instead of his due date of the following February, which allowed for my sister to get pregnant again! Collin was three months old when she conceived They now have a beautiful daughter, Delaney, who is 1 year and 15 days younger than Collin. You can see her growth at: Delaneymmadison.blogspot.com
As for the concerns about the lost and my future...those things are still concerns, but not as much. I'm no longer concerned about my future with Nick, because I have seen God move swiftly in his life. Nick has grown in his faith immensely; seeking God daily and desiring to grow more. Nick has become the rock and leader that I have always wanted and needed. He has led me back to the cross many times over this past year when I have become lost and blind. I am so grateful for him and to Him. In fact, our future is looking pretty bright, as we are getting married in just over two months! You can visit our website here: www.weddingwire.com/NickandAubrey .
As for the other stuff, my heart still gets weighed down when I think about the lost; how misguided and hard-hearted people become. The thing is, it hasn't been on my mind as much, as my heart itself has become rather hardened. Over the past two years, I have let fear and anxiety run my life. I know that it is by God's grace that I've made it through the toughest spots (that I know of). Due to the fear and anxiety, I have become quite calloused to the sin in my life and also more hardened toward the world. My relationship with God has become fairly non-existent, yet I still have this love/concern/passion/desire/faith/belief that won't let me go..which I am very thankful for. The desire is there to grow and become on fire again, its the motivation and action that is lacking...and I get discouraged so easily.
If anyone out there does read this, please pray that I would start to focus on the positive in life; that I would recognize the beauty and grace God has given me in life and not get so disheveled over small things. Pray that the motivation and action would begin and that I bear fruit once again.
Thanks.
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Thursday, August 08, 2013
Thursday, November 10, 2011
..."A Future and a Hope."
There just so happens to be roughly a million things on my mind... Things I am feeling so burdened about. They mostly have to do with my family, both current and potential future, and also my standing or relationship with God. Rather than worrying and asking for things through prayer for myself, I'm realizing more and more that even if it effects me, its not all about me. Also, that my prayer life and perspective need to change. Here are a few of those million things...
First thing on my mind is my nephew Collin. He is my first nephew and first baby in the family. He was born 15 week prematurely and it has been a struggle since his birth for him. He has had good days for sure, but there continue to be different challenges each day. I cannot even fathom what my sister or brother-in-law are going through, with their child's health in jeopardy. Then again..at the same time, as much as I adore children and he's my own blood, its hard to grasp the concept of everything, because I'm so far away. I ask people to pray, but I find that I do not pray enough myself.
Second thing on my mind is the lost... specifically those in my family who don't know Christ. Even more specific, Nick's brother. I've now had two conversations with him, and over those four plus hours, we've gone round and round, debating things of this world and the heavenly realm. Although I do not know all of the specifics, his life has been extremely rough, which has left his view of God completely skewed and himself, damaged. When I hear him talk about the things he believes, (or the things he doesn't believe), it makes my heart sad. How can someone be so broken that they've turned their back on God and refuse to see the truth? I find myself needing to defend everything I believe, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, but I don't know how to present things in a gentle way and I never have. I get fired up and can't back down. Presenting what I would call truth, is one of the few times I become passionate. He calls himself a "man of facts" but disregards the facts I present to him. I leave the conversations discouraged and sad for the lack of what he is able to see. Surely won't the God that I know, the ONE TRUE God, heal him and draw him back to Himself?
This leads me to the third thing racing around in my mind; that which is my future. Now that I am in a relationship, I find myself thinking of my future often; some of it is pleasant and even encourages hope and joy in my life. Some of it discourages me and makes me wonder if I'm making the right decisions. When I say "right", I mean those that are most pleasing to God; for no matter my future, that is my utmost calling. Due to the previous paragraph, I find myself heavy-laden with the situation of my relationship. Nick's brother has played such an influential role in his life. He has helped to mold Nick's ideas and view of the world,while Nick has still held on to God. In Nick's world, there is room for both God and some of his brother's views...and this scares me. A month a go, I was ready to be engaged...now I'm wondering if we could work? I am worried beyond belief that if Nick and I marry, his brother will have more influence over him than I do. I do not mean this as a matter of control, but that I'm frightened of who Nick will allow to pour into his life and what that would mean for our marriage and our children.There are some foundational things in our faith, how to run our future family, and who we are as people that we don't see eye to eye on. Some of it I know I could let go; they aren't important, but some I can't budge on. I hope that whoever Nick chooses to allow to pour into his life, it'll be someone that makes him more Christ like and that that would be his desire.
As I look at all of these things racing in my mind, weighing on my heart, and grieving my spirit, I'm realizing the true issues. Rather than asking for prayer from others I need to be doing it myself; and not a half-hearted, empty prayer, but on my knees/tears streaming kind of prayer; to be completely moved by the Spirit. Also, my issue is faith. I forget the power of God frequently. I see situations like the ones above and my faith waivers as I can't figure out how to solve them. I need to remember that its not me who can work in these situations, but God. It's not my work that will move them, but the work of the cross.
He has set my path before the foundations of the Earth and however this turns out, it will be for my good and for His glory.
First thing on my mind is my nephew Collin. He is my first nephew and first baby in the family. He was born 15 week prematurely and it has been a struggle since his birth for him. He has had good days for sure, but there continue to be different challenges each day. I cannot even fathom what my sister or brother-in-law are going through, with their child's health in jeopardy. Then again..at the same time, as much as I adore children and he's my own blood, its hard to grasp the concept of everything, because I'm so far away. I ask people to pray, but I find that I do not pray enough myself.
Second thing on my mind is the lost... specifically those in my family who don't know Christ. Even more specific, Nick's brother. I've now had two conversations with him, and over those four plus hours, we've gone round and round, debating things of this world and the heavenly realm. Although I do not know all of the specifics, his life has been extremely rough, which has left his view of God completely skewed and himself, damaged. When I hear him talk about the things he believes, (or the things he doesn't believe), it makes my heart sad. How can someone be so broken that they've turned their back on God and refuse to see the truth? I find myself needing to defend everything I believe, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, but I don't know how to present things in a gentle way and I never have. I get fired up and can't back down. Presenting what I would call truth, is one of the few times I become passionate. He calls himself a "man of facts" but disregards the facts I present to him. I leave the conversations discouraged and sad for the lack of what he is able to see. Surely won't the God that I know, the ONE TRUE God, heal him and draw him back to Himself?
This leads me to the third thing racing around in my mind; that which is my future. Now that I am in a relationship, I find myself thinking of my future often; some of it is pleasant and even encourages hope and joy in my life. Some of it discourages me and makes me wonder if I'm making the right decisions. When I say "right", I mean those that are most pleasing to God; for no matter my future, that is my utmost calling. Due to the previous paragraph, I find myself heavy-laden with the situation of my relationship. Nick's brother has played such an influential role in his life. He has helped to mold Nick's ideas and view of the world,while Nick has still held on to God. In Nick's world, there is room for both God and some of his brother's views...and this scares me. A month a go, I was ready to be engaged...now I'm wondering if we could work? I am worried beyond belief that if Nick and I marry, his brother will have more influence over him than I do. I do not mean this as a matter of control, but that I'm frightened of who Nick will allow to pour into his life and what that would mean for our marriage and our children.There are some foundational things in our faith, how to run our future family, and who we are as people that we don't see eye to eye on. Some of it I know I could let go; they aren't important, but some I can't budge on. I hope that whoever Nick chooses to allow to pour into his life, it'll be someone that makes him more Christ like and that that would be his desire.
As I look at all of these things racing in my mind, weighing on my heart, and grieving my spirit, I'm realizing the true issues. Rather than asking for prayer from others I need to be doing it myself; and not a half-hearted, empty prayer, but on my knees/tears streaming kind of prayer; to be completely moved by the Spirit. Also, my issue is faith. I forget the power of God frequently. I see situations like the ones above and my faith waivers as I can't figure out how to solve them. I need to remember that its not me who can work in these situations, but God. It's not my work that will move them, but the work of the cross.
He has set my path before the foundations of the Earth and however this turns out, it will be for my good and for His glory.
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