Severed Strings

In parts, my week has been hell.... At least in MY world it has been. Well, Sunday ironically, was hell. But I've moved past it, have taken the space I think is wise to take and have begun to move in a new direction of life. I guess living it for myself now, rather than others. That may sound selfish I realize, but at the same time, I can't keep living up to everyone else's expectations of me. Everyone expects me to make everything concerning them priority... if I do that, that defeats the purpose and nothing becomes priority. There needs to be a give and take somewhere... There needs to be balance.

I learned today that connective strings I've made need to be cut. I've never done that on my own before. Last time I had to do that, it had to be pointed out to me and I had to be prayed through the process. Today, I recognized it alone. I've realized that there are just some things in life that I can't compromise on. There are just some things in life that I can't respect a person for and because of it, the ties need to be cut. It's unfortunate, but necessary. I guess it's true that some people are only meant to be a part of your life for a season. I didn't expect that of certain people...But honestly, I think I'm okay with that.

It's been a little difficult, but it seems that all I can do is resist the urge to control, sit back and watch everything unfold... even if it does seem like it's a trainwreck waiting to happen. I need to let God handle His children, including myself, any way He sees fit. So, in that case...

I'm Letting Go.

Winter Conclusion.

Surprising how I started my break looking out the window, and as I write here, finishing it up, the cool waves are once again flowing my way as the orange sunset shines through. This has been my break really. A time of endless thoughts... just as the water seems endless in my view.

I had left school in December looking forward to being alone once I got home. Maybe I had just had too much of a social life than I've been used to and I looked forward to being alone in my apartment here in New Hampshire to regroup or something... but it was more of an "or something". I'm not sure it's good for me to be alone for too long. My mind goes off into different areas and I'm not sure what to make of my thoughts... how to piece them together. This season is generally hard for me to begin with, having suffered from situational depression the past 2 years during this time. I'm fine now and I praise God for removing me from the situation, but not having any friends up here besides family can be difficult. Not many understand my thoughts... I'm not even sure if I do, at least I can't articulate well.

I'm scared to go back to school. Really scared. I had a real rough semester academically and I think I'm scared of failure. I'm scared that I won't finish on time and I won't be able to graduate from CIU. I'm scared of relationships too. This past semester was wonderful for me socially! It was probably the first time that I actually had a social life... but this break has given me time to contemplate the different dimensions of those. I don't know much, but I know walls have been put up by me for different people and this may be due to my past and baggage, but they're there now. This break I've missed someone more than I ever expected to... I think I've actually missed them more than I've ever missed anyone... not knowing what that means=walls. But, I know it's not the time nor my responsibility to figure this out....

In a previous post I wrote: "Heart, be silent... Mind, be still... Soul, wait" and I realize that this is still what needs to happen. The LORD has been so good to me and has proven His goodness over and over. I wish I could remember it every time I start to get anxious. It has helped me get through this break and helped me to suck it up and get ready to fly back to SC. I need to remember that I'm in good hands... They won't drop me.