Sunshine & Pineapples

She had a really good day...She didn't know how to emphasize it enough? Everything just started off well, it was a peaceful morning...

She thought about being beyond excited about classes this semester. She is actually thoroughly enjoying them. She never thought she would be so excited to be taking classes or have classes that actually interested her, in her educational career. Then again, there's always time for a first...

She felt something today, something that she hadn't truly felt in a long time... She sat around listening as others lifted their voices in Prayer and through the bright Sun beaming on her face and the smell of pineapples as she took in slow breaths, she felt Him...

Probably the first true time since the summer, she felt the most amazing Joy in her heart. She thought how incredible it could be, that she felt such Joy even after having the odds against her and negative expressions thrown her way? She's been left breathless at times by the Grace of Him.

Lies, doubt and assumptions are still trying to eat away at her Joy, she's even almost come to tears... But not tonight, for the enemy will be trampled on by the bringer of her heart's Joy...

By her One True Love...

Porcelain Heart

Broken heart one more time. I pick it up, why even cry? Broken pieces in my hand, wondering how I'll make it whole?... You know, I pray this can't be the way.

I cry... I say somethings gotta change and mend this porcelain heart of mine.

Someone said a broken heart would sting at first then make you stronger... I wonder why this pain remains? Were hearts made whole just to break?

Creator, only you take brokeness and create it into beauty once again.

Creator, mend this heart of mine...

Something of My Own

I started a new journal (hand-written) today... I'm really excited about it. It's going to be used everyday either for quiet times or some time throughout the day... It's my journal to God.

Hit a rough patch this morning that made for some good content, but that wasn't why I wrote...

I absolutely love writing. I love writing my thoughts out and pouring out my heart on paper. The paper never seems to judge me for the words I write or the feelings I feel. It just patiently waits until I return to relieve my stress on its pages. It's something I treasure and now another thing that I can incorporate God into. Another thing I can say is just mine and God's.

This may just be what I've needed to jumpstart our relationship again? Perfect timing too ya know... For this month marks Mine and Jesus' 5 year anniversary. It's had its ups and downs, but I still love Him, I'm sure maybe even more, each day.

I Quit

I need a lobotomy, I swear...

I hate how my emotions are so haywire. Last night was completely awful and today I feel like just giving up on everything. I feel like just going back to school and shutting myself off from everyone and everything, maybe possibly some talks with some girls here and there but that's it! My self-esteem has just been shot to pieces and I really just don't even want to continue dealing, or deal with the consequences from me being psycho and stupid. If you don't care to listen/read any more of my emotional rollercoaster then don't continue reading, for I am going to vent...Also, if you don't: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON MY BLOG ANYWAY? Don't Come back!!!...For those (make believe) advid readers, please continue...

(see, told you I needed a lobotomy...or maybe just some strong pills)

Last night, a friend that I've helped for over a long period of time with an emotional thing basically told me last night that they don't want to talk to me anymore. I've been there for them and sought godly council before I even answered questions and everything, but because of the awkwardness now that they and their spouse will feel, they don't want to meet again (well I've never met the wife) and don't really want to talk. It's horrible what the sins of shame can do to people. "It's not like we were best friends" are the words he stated that keep ringing in my ear....Yes, it may be true, but I don't just confide in anyone and also take on the burdens of others without continuing to care. I just don't get how some people can do this. Why do I care so much about people, more than they do about me?

I spent from 6-10 at my fathers house last night. My car still isn't fixed. It failed inspection the other day and since then my dad has been trying to fix it...and he really wasn't all that bad, but the anger in his face (I think at himself) and some of the comments, just made me feel horrible. I already feel so guilty because he's been working on it all week, on top of working his job and he's been paying the money and everything. I feel awful... But I have been re-assured that my dad and step-mom do love me.

I have no money. CRAP, that reminds me, I have to pay my phone bill right now...UGH!, this whole life thing is driving me more nuts than I already am. I thought I had plenty of money in the bank, but I don't. I have to pay my phone bill, get an oil change and still try to make it back to school. I got one babysitting job, but they already told me that they wont be paying me what they usually do, because everyone is broke. I hate asking for money, I truly do...but it seems like everything that's been happening lately has to do with me coughing up some money. Maybe God is disciplining me and showing me how to be a better steward. I don't know...

Also, I get home from work and the lady I live with asks if I can move all my stuff out before I leave because the space is needed so her children can meet with a personal trainer! I wanted to bawl my eyes out. I HAVE 2 DAYS TO MOVE EVERYTHING!! I don't even have a friggin' truck. Never mind time to pack everything up and ship it. Luckily, I talked to my cousin's wife and she said I could use her storage unit. But its just like "Gosh, how fast does everyone want to get rid of me?"

So last night was just terribly awful, that may sound like nothing, but there were other things too that just crumbled my self-esteem to pieces. I waited again, again like a fool when I needed it most. More things just keep coming up too that give me more and more reason to walk away forever....

I am so tired...I don't even remember when I fell asleep last night, I just know that I cried myself into it...

But now I must go and shove everything under the rug again and pretend to be strong, because people just can't deal with me and my emotions and I need to keep my responsibility and go take care of my kids at the YMCA.

I'm more than ever ready to just quit... you can add it to my list of failures.

Wasted Evening

It's sort of awkward when things almost become routine... and then it stops.

Have you ever wasted away your Friday evening, when you could have been out with the few friends you have, living up your last weekend at home... but instead you find yourself watching movies all alone, while you know others are doing what you should be?

I hate it when my heart sinks like this... For some reason, although when I look at the clock I know its well past time, I still find myself having a sliver of hope. Just one sound is all I'm looking for...but for a while I won't hear it from anything that is connected to me...

The silence in this room is quite deafening...

I hate that I've wasted another night waiting... just like a fool, a fool that I must be.

Never Stopped Working

Mmm, God's been revealing a lot to me I think, but at the same time I kind of feel that not much is going on...it's hard to explain...I know God has been showing me things and moving in tremendous ways, I think I'm just still trying to figure out how and what He's done so far. I know it's there and I know things have been done, I'm just not 100% sure I know what it all looks like yet.

I felt the most uplifted by God the other night. Had an emotional time of prayer where I just rambled off things, none of it was pre-thought or anything...and its at those times I believe the most honesty comes out. It always proves well when I have those sort of prayer times. After I just blurt things out, things hit me in certain ways, things I never truly knew or thought of or knew I felt come out. It's really amazing to experience.

I experienced God work so fast this week, actually He worked within 20 minutes!! and I don't know that I've recognized that before... but I think it was because one of the few times in my life, I had 20 minutes before, truly gave everything to God and put all my trust in Him alone and admitted that I had no strength...and the result? : Probably one of the most God-honoring conversations I've ever had with a person I've known for a long time.
Kind of sad, but so amazing at the same time. To think that God can work even after so much past...

I stand in awe of the One being whom has never given up on me and has never let me down. I am forever grateful that God desires to change and mold my heart continually.

I'm falling in love all over again...

Conviction

"Maturity is the ability to postpone instant gratification for future reward."

-WMHK Radio

Christmas Break

Break over all has been well... It's had its rough spots, but things are looking up!

Something I've been doing lately that's new is before doing something or during, I've noticed that I've been asking myself something along the lines of

"how is this effecting my relationship with Christ? Is this edifying?"

and afterwards I've taken the time to reflect, even if over a movie or conversation and ask

"Did that hurt/improve anything in my life?"...

It may sound weird, me asking myself these questions :) but it actually feels really good.

During my conversations today with God, I was thinking about the things I've been struggling with and it just so happened today that the scriptures I read dealt pretty much 100% with them, aside from some of the junk that's effected the view of my self-worth, but it dealt with the core of these issues that've lead up to them. Very cool how My Lord works that way sometimes :) Yeah, He's a pretty cool guy if you ask me.

So, about this whole relationship thing with My Rock: we're working our way back up to being best friends... I'm excited. I've missed that for quite some time now... I think this will be good....

Well, I'm off to bed before an early day of cleaning and then a wedding...Thanks to all those who have had me in their prayers or thoughts. I appreciate it :)

"For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace." -Romans 6:14 ...

(Couldn't have said it better myself...)