"God has not promised to deliver us from trouble, but He has promised to go with us through the trouble"(Ps 23:4)
-Billy Graham
Abba,
You are my rock, yet why do I feel weak? How is it that the actions or lack of actions of others can harden my heart so much? That it can bring out this attitude in me that I know isn't who I really am?
I started off today okay...But then things got worse. Is it better to false worship or give no worship at all? You heard my prayers in church. I needed You to soften my heart fast because I wanted to praise you, but I would not move my mouth to those words until my heart was right....Then when I thought it wasn't going to change, You gave me that song! I felt You, for the first time in a couple days. You were there and I had to praise You! I didn't care who was around...I thank You for that.
But these same prayers I ask for again. My heart has started to harden again. My head is filled with this frustration and anger, all because of what I believe was a stab and I perceived as attitude.
There are also other things that have been bugging me. They both think I'm so quiet and they think its because I'm ticked off or something. I don't become ticked off until they start asking questions and fail to realize that it comes off as an attack. All I'm doing is people watching or thinking or just gaining peace. Then the questions (sometimes with attitude attached), start rolling in and they get ticked off when I don't give them a good answer.
They also complain about how I don't join the conversation. 1st, It always is presented as a one-on-one conversation, so I just listen, but then I always feel like I'm eavesdropping, so then I just pay attention to my own thing. Also, if they are having a conversation and I want to put my two sense in, there is just complete attitude written all over her face. Its like I'm bothering her for sharing my opinion, for interrupting the conversation and if it isn't the same opinion as hers, she is quick to correct me. So this is why I keep my mouth shut.
I'm so sorry for writing out my anger, but it is the only way I could handle it properly. By me writing it, there is no room for others to get hurt or angry, and I know that I wouldn't have caused it.
Lord, help me have patience. I always feel that I am to blame or the only one who needs to fix things. If that isn't true, altar my view. Help me to be satisfied with what I've been handed. Help me to focus on what is being done, not on what else could be done. Use me to help comfort others. Continue to soften my heart and practice humility. I want your plan of sanctification.
I apologize for my sins and my evil nature. Thank you for seeing the depths of my heart and continuing to love me! You are absolutely amazing and I don't understand how I could ever doubt You. Thankyou for Your comfort and grace.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
Pure White
"The whiter the gown, the happier the husband"
-Robertson McQuilken
Bascially the more pure and righteous the gown of the bride (us) the happier the husband (God) will be...
I want to make my gown more pure and white than it has ever been...
Also I think this can apply to our husbands we marry here on earth...I think that they will appreciate the fact that we have left our gowns the brightest of whites just for them.
God will bless that.
-Robertson McQuilken
Bascially the more pure and righteous the gown of the bride (us) the happier the husband (God) will be...
I want to make my gown more pure and white than it has ever been...
Also I think this can apply to our husbands we marry here on earth...I think that they will appreciate the fact that we have left our gowns the brightest of whites just for them.
God will bless that.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Triumph Over Trial
"I give You thanks, O Lord, with all my heart; I will sing Your praises...I will give thanks to Your name for Your unfailing love and faithfulness, because Your promises are backed by all the honor of Your name. When I pray You answer me; You encourage me by giving me the strength I need. ..Though the Lord is great, He cares for the humble, but He keeps from the proud. Though I am surrounded by troubles, You will preserve me...The Lord will work out his plan for my life-
For Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever."
- Psalm 138: 1-3,6-8
Phew, what a day huh?
I spent most of my day running around like a chicken with my head cut off with too many things to do and I started to freak out...I was stressing so bad. I just wanted to be by myself without having to concentrate on anything else but relaxing and gaining peace... Then I went to babysitting...
Babysitting was a nightmare. The boy was a complete turd, he peed everywhere and then the girl started playing with her nasty diaper and then she threw up...all while the mom was still there, I wanted to die...I felt so horrible and then to add this situation on top and the mom being stressed out, I lost it....
After I walked out of the house, I got into the truck and just started crying...I cried all the way home. One thing I did do though which I wouldn't normally do: I talked to God during that drive home. I called out, told Him I needed Him, asked Him to sort out the thoughts running through my head. That was nice to run to Him first. Because I did that and got comfort, I felt afterward that it was okay to seek comfort from friends.
That went okay, but not as well as I had hoped, not as well as it used to. I will be honest in saying that part of the reason why I was crying on the drive home was because of a feeling I'm really not even allowed to verbalize.
The main thing was that I thought I didn't miss this person much, I mean of course I did, but I haven't been devastated and completely falling apart and from what little I have been able to gather, this seems like a cake walk for them, so I thought maybe it wasn't a big deal, but during the drive it totally sideswiped me and I thought...
"Hello, McFly, OF COURSE YOU MISS THEM." I miss my friend a lot, a whole lot and I didn't realize how much it has hurt that I can't express that, but as much as it hurts, I understand why...
so that added on to my emotional spat..but this was a different spat and a different miss...It was and is a healthy type of missing my friend and I know that its okay because of how I handled the situation...
So, later on tonight, other things went down...not some so friendly things...but I went to my room and prayed and brought the situation to God right away...I was completely calm and just talked with Him. I realized that there were some things in that situation I completely should not have done and apologized. I assumed the worst and told God I was prepared to handle that, with His help, if that was what was going to happen. I then immediately apologized to the person I had wronged and they did the same.
God is totally amazing, because if this were a couple of months ago or even a week ago, that never would have happened. We both would have stewed in our rooms and waited for our other friend to force us to sort it out, (which is completely wrong and I am trying to work on that). We would have had complete bitterness in our hearts. I for one can say that even after tonight, I have none whatsoever towards them. I am so thankful that God is working in each of us. It was so great to see how God is molding them and to see the spiritual growth in them tonight. That is so awesome!
So...now I'm here, relaxing and calm, getting out all of the junk of my day and looking forward to another day of working on my relationship with God and finding happiness. I'm excited that I have found how to receive that happiness which is through having true friendship and fellowship with God. That is the only way that I will ever find true peace and that friendship and fellowship is exactly what I am striving to establish.
For Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever."
- Psalm 138: 1-3,6-8
Phew, what a day huh?
I spent most of my day running around like a chicken with my head cut off with too many things to do and I started to freak out...I was stressing so bad. I just wanted to be by myself without having to concentrate on anything else but relaxing and gaining peace... Then I went to babysitting...
Babysitting was a nightmare. The boy was a complete turd, he peed everywhere and then the girl started playing with her nasty diaper and then she threw up...all while the mom was still there, I wanted to die...I felt so horrible and then to add this situation on top and the mom being stressed out, I lost it....
After I walked out of the house, I got into the truck and just started crying...I cried all the way home. One thing I did do though which I wouldn't normally do: I talked to God during that drive home. I called out, told Him I needed Him, asked Him to sort out the thoughts running through my head. That was nice to run to Him first. Because I did that and got comfort, I felt afterward that it was okay to seek comfort from friends.
That went okay, but not as well as I had hoped, not as well as it used to. I will be honest in saying that part of the reason why I was crying on the drive home was because of a feeling I'm really not even allowed to verbalize.
The main thing was that I thought I didn't miss this person much, I mean of course I did, but I haven't been devastated and completely falling apart and from what little I have been able to gather, this seems like a cake walk for them, so I thought maybe it wasn't a big deal, but during the drive it totally sideswiped me and I thought...
"Hello, McFly, OF COURSE YOU MISS THEM." I miss my friend a lot, a whole lot and I didn't realize how much it has hurt that I can't express that, but as much as it hurts, I understand why...
so that added on to my emotional spat..but this was a different spat and a different miss...It was and is a healthy type of missing my friend and I know that its okay because of how I handled the situation...
So, later on tonight, other things went down...not some so friendly things...but I went to my room and prayed and brought the situation to God right away...I was completely calm and just talked with Him. I realized that there were some things in that situation I completely should not have done and apologized. I assumed the worst and told God I was prepared to handle that, with His help, if that was what was going to happen. I then immediately apologized to the person I had wronged and they did the same.
God is totally amazing, because if this were a couple of months ago or even a week ago, that never would have happened. We both would have stewed in our rooms and waited for our other friend to force us to sort it out, (which is completely wrong and I am trying to work on that). We would have had complete bitterness in our hearts. I for one can say that even after tonight, I have none whatsoever towards them. I am so thankful that God is working in each of us. It was so great to see how God is molding them and to see the spiritual growth in them tonight. That is so awesome!
So...now I'm here, relaxing and calm, getting out all of the junk of my day and looking forward to another day of working on my relationship with God and finding happiness. I'm excited that I have found how to receive that happiness which is through having true friendship and fellowship with God. That is the only way that I will ever find true peace and that friendship and fellowship is exactly what I am striving to establish.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Soul of Joy
"For the Lord God is our light and protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will the lord withhold from those who do what is right. O Lord Almighty, happy are those who trust in You." Psalm 84:11-12
I am so thankful for today.
So thankful for yesterday. Boundaries were set up and they are severe. I may not agree with all of them, but I respect the fact that they were set up and I respect who they were set up by. I understand why and I am so thankful that they have enough respect for myself and themselves to set them up. In my heart of hearts, I know its best. Even though at first it hurt to hear what I heard yesterday, it caused me to write out questions I had about myself, my situation and my situation with God. I just poured out all that I had to the Lord.
I have felt a release of grief. Today has been so amazing. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Nothing could have brought me down today & there was definitely opportunity. The sad part is that I wish I could have shared it with certain people, but in part I did, because I kept them joyfully in my prayers throughout the day.
That is just the thing, my soul felt absolute joy in the Lord today. I haven't necessarily actually felt that before.
I was able to have an amazing talk with an acquaintance of mine tonight. It has been on my heart to speak with him for awhile, at first I didn't know why, but then I was informed of his situation. It felt so nice to sit down and share with him what was going on without actually telling him anything. So great to identify with him completely without feeling guilty about sharing details. Details weren't needed, we could see that our situations were similar by the struggles we have been going through and the things we believe that God has shown us in our separate situations. Things were so similar, it encouraged me and gave me hope. I felt like it was completely given by God. Huge confirmation for me there.
Its only been a day and the Lord is working so much!
I see myself getting to certain points along the path I have been traveling that I have been trying to reach for so long. I'm not completely there obviously, its only been a day, but now they seem visible and not so far from my reach anymore. I am so thankful to God for that.
I am so thankful that He has washed my sins away and showing me that my sorrow and repentance was genuine enough for Him. Sin has obviously taken a hold of my life and I am not strong enough to overcome it.
Lord, only Your love is great enough to overcome my sin. I need that. I need You and Only You. You are to be my passion!
I am so thankful for today.
So thankful for yesterday. Boundaries were set up and they are severe. I may not agree with all of them, but I respect the fact that they were set up and I respect who they were set up by. I understand why and I am so thankful that they have enough respect for myself and themselves to set them up. In my heart of hearts, I know its best. Even though at first it hurt to hear what I heard yesterday, it caused me to write out questions I had about myself, my situation and my situation with God. I just poured out all that I had to the Lord.
I have felt a release of grief. Today has been so amazing. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Nothing could have brought me down today & there was definitely opportunity. The sad part is that I wish I could have shared it with certain people, but in part I did, because I kept them joyfully in my prayers throughout the day.
That is just the thing, my soul felt absolute joy in the Lord today. I haven't necessarily actually felt that before.
I was able to have an amazing talk with an acquaintance of mine tonight. It has been on my heart to speak with him for awhile, at first I didn't know why, but then I was informed of his situation. It felt so nice to sit down and share with him what was going on without actually telling him anything. So great to identify with him completely without feeling guilty about sharing details. Details weren't needed, we could see that our situations were similar by the struggles we have been going through and the things we believe that God has shown us in our separate situations. Things were so similar, it encouraged me and gave me hope. I felt like it was completely given by God. Huge confirmation for me there.
Its only been a day and the Lord is working so much!
I see myself getting to certain points along the path I have been traveling that I have been trying to reach for so long. I'm not completely there obviously, its only been a day, but now they seem visible and not so far from my reach anymore. I am so thankful to God for that.
I am so thankful that He has washed my sins away and showing me that my sorrow and repentance was genuine enough for Him. Sin has obviously taken a hold of my life and I am not strong enough to overcome it.
Lord, only Your love is great enough to overcome my sin. I need that. I need You and Only You. You are to be my passion!
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Friday, April 08, 2005
Psalm 39:7-13; 40:11-13
"Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in You. Rescue me from my rebellion, for even fools mock me when I rebel. I am silent before You; I won't say a word. For my punishment is from You. Please don't punish me anymore! I am exhausted by the blows from Your hand. When You discipline people for their sins, their lives can be crushed like the life of a moth. Human existence is as frail as breath. Hear my prayer, O Lord! Listen to my cries for help! Don't ignore my tears. For I am Your guest- a traveler passing through, as my ancestors were before me. Spare me so I can smile again before I am gone and exist no more....
Lord, don't hold back Your tender mercies from me. My only hope is in Your unfailing love and faithfulness. For troubles surround me- too many to count! They pile up so high I can't see my way out. They are more numerous than the hairs on my head. I have lost all my courage. Please, Lord, rescue me! Come quickly, Lord, and help me."
Lord, don't hold back Your tender mercies from me. My only hope is in Your unfailing love and faithfulness. For troubles surround me- too many to count! They pile up so high I can't see my way out. They are more numerous than the hairs on my head. I have lost all my courage. Please, Lord, rescue me! Come quickly, Lord, and help me."
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