Experience

Columbia has been... interesting. It's been hot as well. And life, well.... that too has been interesting, to say the least. I don't want to write about the little things. I don't even want to write about anything really... except well, life. Not the shallow irrelevant things, but the things that make up life and all that it is... As of last night, someone else has chosen to take themselves out of mine.

I had a two hour conversation last night that I have every couple of months. It always starts off awkwardly simple and then past the 10 minute mark, 20 if I'm lucky, a big ball of conversation builds up into this stressful circle of disagreement. I try and try to understand and I just can't. They complain that I don't understand but then say that they don't want me to understand them. This is my only sister... but as of last night, she clearly stated that the only reason why we are to be called sisters is because, as fate would have it, we both came from the same woman.
I just want to understand. I'm not saying everyone has to believe what I do or have the same opinion, I just want to learn about others and why they believe what they do and why they don't believe what I do. Is that so... personal? Is that so.. disrespectful? Isn't that the reason why I came to College? I came to educate myself further about my own faith and to learn about the faiths that differ from my own... and somehow I'm wrong for this.

It has puzzled me for sometime now how two people can grow up in the same house, same parents and be so different. It doesn't make sense. Maybe it all boils down to the differences of experience, but were they so different? I experienced abuse, she didn't. I experienced immense responsibility, she didn't. I experienced the loss of love, she didn't. Did I experience Christ and she hasn't? Maybe that's the answer... maybe that's why I can get past my negative experiences and she holds onto them and creates a life of bitterness? I just don't know.

All I know is that according to her, only family can be the topic of conversation.... according to her, I don't have a sister. I just don't know what to do, honestly. But these... these are the things that make up life... Life is what I am experiencing.

Grace

I'm on my knees

Only memories are left for me to hold.

Don't know how, but I'll get by

Slowly pull myself together (I'll get through this)

There's no escape

So keep me safe

This feels so unreal.

Nothing comes easily

Fill this empty space

Nothing is like it seems

Turn my grief to Grace.

I feel the cold

Loneliness unfold

From another world

Come what may I won't fade away,

but I know I might change.

Nothing comes easily

Fill this empty space

Nothing is like it was

Turn my grief to Grace.

Nothing comes easily where do I begin?

Nothing can bring me peace, I've lost everything.

I just want to feel Your embrace..

I love this song. It reminds me of how I've been lately, how my thoughts have been lately. The past has come into my mind so frequently it seems. I don't know that I have any emotions over it, it's just been in my thoughts, even dreams. I'm okay, actually I'm really good. I just wonder if as the date approaches faster and faster how I'll be holding up? Will I be too busy to notice? I trust that I'll get through all of it, with God's strength, yes.. I will!... Just as the line says, I pray that God will continue to turn my grief to Grace.

I desire to feel Him more than anything I ever have...

What is Joy?

Well to keep you up to date from my last post. I was able to make "good tapes" with my friend. It's helped so far... I'm just needing to keep up with it.

I gave my testimony today in speech class.. chapel had a lot to do with the same subject and it got me thinking about Joy. About what it is and what it means to be joyful.
Reaching back into my past to talk to my entire class about it was a little hard to do. It was hard to tap into my experience with depression and think on how I reacted to it. I never ate, I didn't sleep at night and slept all day. I cried every day for 1 1/2 years.... it was not fun.
I think about all the pain I went through and at times I thought God had to have hated me so much to let me endure so much pain.. but that's the thing, I endured... and by Christ's strength alone.

During this time is when I realized there was a difference between happiness and joy. Toward the end of the relationship, as I got even more depressed, I remember knowing the end was coming, but there was a certain day that I felt the most unexplainable joy, a joy that brought me to tears... the reason? Because my God is who He is. I was completely depressed and sad, but I was joyful because my God loved me and had my best interest at heart....

This whole situation gives me hope... hope for the future. I can rest knowing that as I follow God, He will allow me to experience Joy. I trust that in the future, God will create things from my pain.... Beauty.

Severed Strings

In parts, my week has been hell.... At least in MY world it has been. Well, Sunday ironically, was hell. But I've moved past it, have taken the space I think is wise to take and have begun to move in a new direction of life. I guess living it for myself now, rather than others. That may sound selfish I realize, but at the same time, I can't keep living up to everyone else's expectations of me. Everyone expects me to make everything concerning them priority... if I do that, that defeats the purpose and nothing becomes priority. There needs to be a give and take somewhere... There needs to be balance.

I learned today that connective strings I've made need to be cut. I've never done that on my own before. Last time I had to do that, it had to be pointed out to me and I had to be prayed through the process. Today, I recognized it alone. I've realized that there are just some things in life that I can't compromise on. There are just some things in life that I can't respect a person for and because of it, the ties need to be cut. It's unfortunate, but necessary. I guess it's true that some people are only meant to be a part of your life for a season. I didn't expect that of certain people...But honestly, I think I'm okay with that.

It's been a little difficult, but it seems that all I can do is resist the urge to control, sit back and watch everything unfold... even if it does seem like it's a trainwreck waiting to happen. I need to let God handle His children, including myself, any way He sees fit. So, in that case...

I'm Letting Go.