Spring Cleaning

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. "

Spring break... Going rather well I should say.

I moved into my "apartment" with Vicki and my little crapface. He is so unbelievably cute, and I'm so thankful that he really likes me...you know how babies can be with that stuff...but he loves me to death, as I do him, so things are good...

Kinda stinks not having a car here, but there was no way I was driving my car here just to stay for 10 days...but I can use my Dad's car tomorrow and during the weekend my aunt is letting me use her new car while she'll be laid up after surgery...so that will be nice. I don't really like sitting around watching TV... I'd rather be doing something....hmmm, reminder, must call Justin tomorrow...

Well, my sponsor letters for Europe are just being received and the LORD has provided well past what was expected in the time frame given... I still need more money, but I have no fear... For some reason, the Lord has chosen to bless me and give to me...He seems to want the doors wide open and want me to go on this trip..He will provide the rest...I know!

God seems to be working so much so fast!...I wonder if He gets tired? :)
I see Him, not only working in my life at a fast pace, but others as well...which has led me to my dilemma...

Oh, I am so thankful for all He has done and continues to do, don't get me wrong. I can't believe how fast He's mended most of my heart, helped me to move on, helped me respond in ways that I should, and repaired so much damage between His and my relationship. Things have not bothered me once the way they've ever bothered me before... I'm thinking I'm home free....BUT, I stumbled across some things tonight that made me realize that I still have a sore spot that hasn't entirely healed yet...but then again, if anyone were to think that I were completely healed already, they'd must be "off their rocker"...

There are just some underlying things that are still there and I don't know how I can get them to not bother me? I think, "oh, if I get a boyfriend, that will help." or if I do something artistic/crafty or something, but then I think, "God wants me to be with Him first and foremost." ...I'm still learning that I can't do things of my own strength.

In my own strength, I can't keep from "checking up" on him. I do it because I like to see how God is working in his life, because I care about him, that won't ever change...but I need to stop it. Even if God is working great things, it can sting because I don't get to experience it with him, it can hurt about what they may say to each other, even if they are/aren't together. I'd like to think that it would help me more and be excited for him...but it does nothing to benefit me... It was brought to my attention that yes, even though I want to know what's going on in his life, he doesn't want me in it...

I'm not 100% sure, for God hasn't revealed it completely, but I don't believe that we'll ever speak again. And if that is how God sees fit, than that is quite alright...

LORD,
I love you, I truly do. I've seen what it means to truly pray with sincere prayer and to HONESTLY want what You want. It's been rewarding and You've done nothing but re-affirm for me the trust I can have in Your character. I just continue to pray for freedom, a healed heart, a pure heart and a heart that is completely surrendered to You. I struggle with things sometimes and LORD and I need Your strength. I honestly don't know why he hates me the way he does, but I ask that You'll either show me, or help me to disregard it. Things have been and are unfortunate, but I've let them be and I ask that You would continue to move me on with my life. Whatever in life keeps me restless, I pray that You'll help me to find peace and true rest in You. My heart has wings and I worship You for it all. Refine my soul until it reflects Your image. Thankyou for calling me beautiful.

-Your willing servant

Slowly, But Surely

"Slow and steady wins the race." -?

Not sure what will come out of this one...Don't really feel like writing, but for some reason I am...hmm?

Update on life: Yup, still alive :)

Things are going well...Nothing unusual or anything, but well. Don't know that God is showing me too much, but I know He is working. He's shown me today that I still have an envious/jealous heart from time to time, also that I can be a bit of a gossip. I don't like that...

Last night was good. I had a dinner date with Cherith and we sat and talked for some time. Came up with the idea to do some "cognitive therapy" together. Taking God's words and promises to fight off Satan's lies..Sounds good huh? Some of the stuff I'm struggling with include:

• Being Stagnant
• Un-contentment
• Control
• Thinking "I need to" fix things (as opposed to letting God handle it)
• Depending on personal strength

We looked up some scripture and found a lot of answers in Philippians, which is pretty cool cause I'm studying the book and also because my life verse is found in the 4th chapter. One cool thing we picked up on was that the verses surrounding my life verse all had to do with the most troubling issue: that of un-contentment. Then today I received a letter from my Aunt in Wisconsin, which started with this passage:

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:11-13

That was encouraging...

Sometimes I wonder if God is really working. Not to think that He doesn't care, but just because there isn't trauma or drama or situations truly effecting me right now? But then I think, if He's even bringing things to my attention, then He's working. He may not fix them anytime soon, but He will when He's ready...and He's preparing me.

After leaving and praying, almost immediately the spiritual warfare began. Praise the Almighty that Cherith was there with me. I could have entered one of the loneliest pits...but He spared me. I was able to bounce back a few minutes after, completely confused at how random it was that the issue effected me the way it did...I don't understand how Satan can use godly people to attack you...But as Cherith said in some way "Sometimes Satan uses our own swords to pierce us." ... How very true...

Still contemplating if God is trying to send me somewhere? It keeps coming up, but I want right motives. I don't' want to be better and do for spite to prove something. I don't want to go for the experience and I don't want to go because I'm a selfish being...I want to go because God wants to send me! It seems sort of impossible, whether it be raising the money and then also getting home...but if God wants it, He'll work it out I suppose.

I'm making new friends, but I'm trying to decide if its real or not? I find myself interested in new people, but I'm trying to decide if I'm making myself interested, or if I really am? Only time will tell I presume...

"He's never going to love me again." - A thought I said to myself as I was slipping from Grace. I wonder if this was a lie to get me down further or just a simple inkling of reality? I'm not sure, all I know is that I didn't dwell in it, only shed a few tears...Yes, it may be over a month now, but it can sting from time to time... Last night was a little hard at the b-day party. It really wasn't bad for the longest time. He was sweet at one point, which was nice and although there were times of awkward eye contact, it wasn't too bad. But just before he left, the longest stare with no expression but that of not caring and/or disgust, started to bother me. Soon enough it was over...

I don't know if you read this, I assume you've found your way here, (not that it would have taken a genius). I want to tell you some things, even though 80% of me doesn't want you to know even if I'm breathing anymore, let alone details...I guess kind of have a rhetorical conversation with you, even if you never respond...

Is it awkward for you when and if we see each other? I don't talk, because like the phone, I'm waiting for you to initiate conversation... Thank you for your offer the other night, that was kind and made me think that you don't completely despise me or find me annoying, but you know I won't take anything from you. How have you been? I'm guessing just fine, or atleast that's how you seem to be. I'm glad you've got friends around you. That's really great. I'm doing really well too... It's funny, because even though we both don't want each other to know what's going on in our lives, we find ways to still show it. You know that you're just as nosey as I am, but I'm glad you let me see things sometimes, even if it can hurt because I'm not around... I still miss you from time to time, but it's not like before. It's healthy... I'm getting to a place where I can be happy for you. I really want to be and I want to want the absolute best for you. Even if that isn't me... It's hard still for my mind to comprehend the fact that you don't love me. I just don't get how someone can love someone once and then just stop? But maybe I'm not supposed to understand? I have noticed though that this time isn't the same. It's not going to be that same cycle we've gone through before: not speaking for a few months, then becoming attatched in unhealthy ways all over again. It's weird to know that what one used to expect is not to be expected any longer... As much as I want to deny it, you still know me, or atleast parts of me. You know that I'll have hope (subtly in the back of my mind), until the day you get married, that's just who I am. There's nothing you can do about that, but don't worry...Slowly but surely, God is opening my palm and also releasing your hand... He's setting us both FREE...

I hope that someday, no matter in what form, our "great connection" (that God purposefully created), will be rectified... I love you, friend.

.....Whoa, guess I did have some stuff to say ;)