His Passion

"To me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."- Philippians 1:21

I woke up today exhausted, but with a better spirit than yesterday...That in itself is reason for thanks...

I really enjoyed chapel this morning. It is funny how yesterday was "worship chapel" and I could not move my lips, could not let my heart break from the chains the enemy had placed around it, all I could do was cry and today, just a normal "class chapel" and I felt the Lord more in that hour than I did for the whole 24 that He graciously gave me yesterday...

A friend of mine led worship and it was so amazing to see the Holy Spirit work through him...It wasn't him that I saw, but it was Him...

Then, his brother gave the message. This was not an ordinary message that you sit, read a few verses and then discuss...We just read the Bible. We listened to him tell the story of Christ, of His passion...and as he was reading, I realized something that I had never truly grasped before...
We read in Matthew 26-28 this morning and what really hit me was something that I refused to believe yesterday. He was reading the part of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and how 3 times, Jesus prayed to God, that if possible, He be spared...but only if it were God's will. After He prayed and woke up His disciples, a crowd came to arrest Him. As they grabbed Him, one disciple drew his sword and cut off a soldier's ear. Jesus commanded him to put it away, for "all who draw the sword, die by the sword".

"Do you think I cannot call on my Father and He will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen?"

This is what hit me...Jesus knew, He knew what was going to happen, He knew all along that He was going to die, but He did it. He knew that if He asked God, God would send down all of those angels to save Him. He didn't have to die, He had the complete power to stop them all...
yet, He willingly went...

I don't know that I could do that? Actually, I know I couldn't...I mean, I would die for those I love, but if I was wrongfully accused I would defend myself...but He kept silent...
Those I would die for are ones whom I know love me...He died for those who did not...

I've heard this story before, but it never really sunk in until today. Yesterday I was at a place where I pretty much believed that God didn't truly love me, because if He did He wouldn't let me hurt so much, (for I've always thought that you didn't hurt those whom you love), but He was letting me hurt and watching me endlessly cry and was doing nothing about it...We tussled for a bit, but we came to a compromise...

and that led me to today, where reading His word and listening to His actions, I understood the weight of what He has done for me...the depth of His love. He had the chance and He gave it all up...He gave it all up for His Father's Glory and His Children...

I'll never truly understand it. I'll never truly understand why He chose to give me this gift, but I will accept it and in return, give my life to Him as a means of my gratitude...
I believe now that I can be called His Child...

If Ever I loved Thee, My Jesus, Tis Now

Love of My Life (well, for now anyway)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUKIE!!

Luke Paul Goodrich

My little crapface is 1 year old today :)

Its days like these where if I was feeling the way I am I would drive over to his house and just hold him for the longest time...

I miss him a lot.

Leave Me Alone

"When I go down, I go down hard...it hurts to hit the bottom..."
-Matthew Thiessen

So funny how little things can make you snap and change entirely from one moment to the next...
I truly hate that...Yup, I definitely do...

The fact that I feel "powerless to dictate my own moods", annoys the crap out of me...

I tell myself: "SELF, DON'T LET THIS BOTHER YOU, IT'S SO PETTY AND DUMB", but do you think I listen? No! I let it stir in my head and I freak out...

Tonight I yelled and I think slammed my door and I'm pretty sure I was so flustered I "lost" a couple layers of clothing...Whoa, I really do sound crazy...

These things that stir up in me just make me realize how imperfect I am... I'm pretty sure I try to change those areas, but they never do, and so I just feel like a failure...

So is that what this semester is going to be like? Me feeling like a failure every day again?
OH, JOY!! I'm so EXCITED...(Just let me jump now)...

It's okay... I've got me, Moxie, my computer and some food to keep me slightly happy, what more could I need?...

Grrr....I give up...time for bed

.....at least I got a beautiful flower tonight

Foolish Heart

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe." -Ephesians 1:18-19

I've been weird for days...and I really do know why...It's so hard to put into words...
My mind drifts into places I need not to go, whether it be dark places of the past, negative places of the present or bright places of the future. Assumptions of course... my specialty!
Sometimes I really hate who I've been and I hate when that person becomes who I am...

I'm not good at all when it comes to my heart...nope, not one bit...
I wear my heart on my sleeve...that is just who I am...I can't change that..I feel like my feelings can't be confined inside of me and must be put to good use... I feel like I have ALL OF THESE FEELINGS that are sitting outside of my body, as if they are a few inches in front of me and as I walk, all that is happening is that they are being swatted away like a swarm of flies...

This can't be right...How long is this going to have to go on? Its like this...I've been waiting for over 9 months now and its been crazy, but there's something in my head saying "hey, wait a sec, you've waited 9 months, you can wait a heck of a lot longer, he's completely worth it!" while the other part of me says "hey, its been 9 months and no signs of anything happening soon, so invest your feelings in someone else..." But that's the flesh in me telling me to give up, I know it...
So, I won't...But I need to remind myself that I have no need to be thinking of this right now, nor apparently in the near future...

Denying yourself is a very difficult thing to do...I still feel like I can't win either way in daily stuff, but I know that my Lord has more things to teach me...Self control is the biggest thing I want to "master". I see this whole situation as a hard road and I keep finding myself looking for the short-cut...anyway to avoid it, but still get what I want.

Note to self: SELF, THIS IS JUST NOT POSSIBLE!

Lord, I really need to re-focus my eyes, re-focus my heart, re-focus my life...Bring it back to You. Help me to control my heart, well no, control what I do in reaction to my heart..Shorten my leash, where as I won't get so distracted...This blog has been a testimony as to how that happens and I truly do not like it at all, I don't like where my head goes.
I'm so sorry Lord that I haven't made time for You like I should. I know that You would drop and have dropped everything for me if I asked you and I've just said "Hey God, do you think maybe you could want me at some point tomorrow? I've got stuff to do". Please Lord, I beg of You to forgive me...none of this has been what I've wanted, for I've wanted something to deepen my relationship and walk with You and its only taken up the time that should have been spent with You...I've been so foolish...I'm truly sorry :*(

Well, looks like I've got some growing to do here...I'm on my way...Anesthesia or not!

If Only...

What I wouldn't give to be there right now...

Basket Case

"Let it all out, get it all out, rip it out, remove it...don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed." -Matthew Thiessen

This blog is going to be all over the place...it's just a reflection of yesterday and none of it may actually make sense...

I don't know exactly how it all started, maybe I had a ton of thoughts rolling around in my head, but they didn't surface until around 3:20, when I realized I had to turn in my lesson plan for Bible Clubs and I was supposed to leave in the next 10 minutes...My lesson plan hadn't been entirely finished and I had just been woken up from a nap (thankfully, because I would have missed Bible Clubs), so I was groggy and cranky from lack of sleep, and I don't have a printer so I had to send it to my roommates computer, but her computer is 10 times slower than mine, so it takes forever...and on and on and on...So mad rush to the field ed office (at this point if anyone gets in my way they just might get knocked on the ground) and I get in there to find that my lesson plan isn't exactly up to par...That just wasn't what I needed to hear.

So I'm super stressed and am fighting tears back because I was in my Bible Club meeting and there was a guy there, so I didn't want to cry in front of him, but as soon as he left my trusty friends returned yet again (my tears). They never seem to fail. I just didn't know how to handle the night before and now all of this stuff added too and my phone was being stupid...I didn't want to teach at all and deal with disrespectful kids...I wasn't in the mood to discipline, but I'm learning that sometimes we need to do things that we don't want to...

Bible clubs went fine, but for some reason I just couldn't exactly calm down...

I had dinner with a friend and I explained some things to her and sort of let it all out, but it didn't seem to be enough and that is never usually the case...She offered to let me bake with her, for that is another outlet I use, but that didn't work out...So I went to my room and procrastinated until it was time for the bonfire at the pointe...

I went there for about 15 minutes and then left, I just couldn't focus and I couldn't worship right it seemed..So I walked back and talked to my Unkie Nathan for a half hour and that just sent all other emotions into a whirlwind...

This man is so important in my life, its weird...For the past 20 years he's been in the Army and for the past 15 I think I've seen him on probably 12 occasions (if I'm lucky) and talked to him about 30 times, yet we are so close and it seems like there hasn't been a week in my life that he hasn't been present. He's been the true godly example in my life. He fits the title that he's been given as my "godfather". It was so good to talk to him and to hear some words that were so encouraging...it was so good to hear words from a man whom I know purely loves me...To know that I make him proud for even trying in life and that the person and woman that I am makes his heart glad...It ripped me to shreds, I'm even crying now as I write this, but I needed to hear those things. I know that I'll never hear those words from either of my fathers...

But on a greater note, I'm planning a trip to go see him in November before he leaves for Egypt! I'm so excited :)

But this conversation I had with him reminded me of another man in my life, whom reminds me of my uncle...I see so much of my uncle in him and that is pleasing and promising...but with all of the "bi-polar" emotions, I had wished that he had said those words to me...that he could be proud of me. I needed him to be my friend right then, to hold me for a moment and just let me cry, but this whole sabbatical thing is still in session... So my "trusty friends" showed me that they were still there and physically showed it by the blotches on my face...

So with all that I just couldn't handle the little things anymore...I had a four page paper to finish for today that I hadn't even started and online wasn't working and I couldn't figure out why, people were being annoying and a bunch of other little stuff...I was ready for a drink, but I went for the Mt. Dew instead...as I was walking back from the kitchen to my room, I felt coins in my pocket and remembered that I had to do laundry...that was the final straw...I literally walked into my room and collapsed on the floor and started bawling...I just couldn't function...it was pretty bad, because I even let my roommate hug me, (I never let her touch me, why I don't know), and she got on the floor with me and just hugged me for a good 5 minutes...then my other friend came in and did my laundry for me....I've never been that bad before, EVER!...I usually can deal with all the stuff thrown at me, but for some reason last night, I just could not even handle simple things...I felt like a two year old.

After my "break down", I felt better. I got a grasp on things and I started my paper and got a huge chunk done. I talked to my friend for awhile and though most was joking, it was good and I seem to really enjoy those moments we are able to have. There was something that they said which seems to keep entering my thoughts, which could potentially be a problem, but we'll see...Maybe it was just a problem last night, not so much today...anyway, I took a break and as I was folding my laundry I watched Friends and had a good time with girls I don't know and before I knew it, it was 2:30 in the morning and my paper was not finished yet..Oops!! Oh well, I went to bed..lol... and now I'm here

Okay, so that was a lot and none made sense and I probably just proved that I am crazy..oh well, what can you do? Today has been a much better day. I woke up feeling great and was able to finish my paper. No stressors so far ;) I realized why this was probably brought on...I haven't spent "quality time" with the Lord in a few days...its so weird how that effects me in a huge way...Its not that I've been avoiding Him or anything like that, its just with life sometimes it slips my mind. Its so sad to me that me spending time with Him is the first thing to go, where as it should be the other way around...This is something I want to change for sure.

In fact, maybe I should go use my time before class wisely :)

Battlefield of My Heart

"All love that has not friendship for it's base is like a mansion built upon sand."
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

My heart hurts a whole lot...

I really don't know why though...I feel sorrow I think. All I know is that I keep crying and crying. I really feel it in my heart, it literally hurts, like someone is squeezing tighter and tighter until it will be lifeless...

A lot has to do with a friendship, or lack there of, that I had. I just thought about this a minute ago...where I can say it over and over 'til I'm blue in the face that he is my best friend..but its not true anymore, because we have nothing. I guess its just hard and awkward to think that my pure, genuine, unconditional heart is in the hands of someone I don't even know... But I want to know him so bad. I hate that I don't know him. I hate that he doesn't know me. I hate how we have to be so candid with each other, its so unreal...and that's not who I am. I think my heart shattered a little more when we walked away from each other without hugging...

But we have to be this way for awhile...the words "future" and "awhile" keep coming up and I don't like that I don't know the meanings of them. I'm so used to him putting time frames on everything and this time he hasn't...well maybe in his own mind he has, but he hasn't told me, and I suspect so that I don't get my hopes up or so that I don't just reach for that specific timing, which is actually good on his part...but I want to know...
I want to know when we can be friends again. When this silly "sabbatical" can end. I want to know if he's going to be in my life later on and the status that will hold. Okay, so yes I think about it sometimes and yes I struggle from time to time... its difficult because so much was shared before, and now we have to disregard it all...there are bits and pieces that I want to keep though, but I guess I can't.

Why couldn't we have just got it right from the beginning?

See, I don't want people to misunderstand and think that I feel this way all the time, because I don't...this is one of the few times where I get down and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with me being sick and a "bill" this week...but there is truth to a lot of this...

He's right...I don't understand how I don't have an ulcer now?...

Lord, how come I wear my heart on my sleeve and he doesn't seem to struggle, at least not with the same things I do?? That's another thing huh? We can't share our emotions with each other anymore can we? Gosh Lord, that's going to be really really hard, because like I said, he was once my best friend.

So, I sit here alone in my room tonight, wracking my brain of who I could possibly share my emotions with?? He's gone, my mom wouldn't be appropriate, my good friend isn't here, my cousin would be bias even though she's gone through/is going through very similar things and I don't feel comfortable being as intimate with other friends anymore...

so it seems that I have no one to cry out to. No one to just listen to me and curl my hair behind my ears and whisper to comfort me, to hold me tight like I used to be held...

But as I sit here writing this, I truly, wholeheartedly hear you calling me Lord, saying
"Did you forget about me? I've been waiting to hold you like that all this time. I want to make you better. I want your heart to be whole again. Be quiet child. Just rest with Me."

And as a river of tears flow down my face, I am able to turn from wallowing in my sorrows.
I want to have You hold me Lord and truly, only You. Hear my tears and I'll hear Your whispers and promises.

You will receive the utmost glory in all of this...I know its true.

Pleasant Reminder

"The Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you."
-Deuteronomy 31:8

I wanted to share a piece from my personal journal that I wrote while on my weekend getaway with the Lord...

August 14th, 2005

This "getaway" was exactly what I needed. Besides the fact that I have a pounding headache, its all good :) I was having a rough time at first and I couldn't seem to rest, so I ended up calling my mother and that helped, but afterward, I wrote in here and felt a lot better. I then was able to finally rest and felt so much better when I woke up.

I read for awhile, but then headed out to the Nubble Lighthouse. It was absolutely breathtaking out there. After I got a couple of pictures, I just sat on a rock, taking in the crashing of the waves and the beautiful sunset.

As I was sitting there hoping to feel God with me and I was starting to lose hope, God sent me a sign in a little butterfly that slowly passed right in front of me. I was so overjoyed and comforted that I started to cry. That was so good. After I went closer to the crashing waves.

I decided to drive back and then walk down to a small beach called Ellis Park. It is so nice there. The park was amazing and as I was walking to the beach part, there was this 1940's Jazz Big Band playing in the gazebo and the sky was a perfect shade of tangerine. It was a beautiful backdrop to my walk in the sand. I felt peace...

I came back to my room and spent some more time in the Word and in prayer. God answered some of my questions and at times it was as if a light bulb turned on in my head. Because of this, I am ready to go back to school, for I know that I am walking in the Truth and my goal now is to be a child of the light. And although there will be times of discouragement, I know that God is on my side and will help me through. I've done what I could and I've laid it all at His feet for real.

He is in control now.

I wanted to share this, because it was a pleasant reminder for myself...I've been back to school for about 2 weeks now and its been decent...Its a different way to live, but its great...There have been times of discouragement, but as I was reading in my quiet time today, I was refreshed with God's promise to never leave me...He is here and re-reading that journal helped me to remember that. I know that even though sometimes I can't feel Him, He's here guiding the way through the fog...But the slight fog I could have walked through has been lifted and He has made my heart light yet again! Oh, how I love My Lord!!

Hesitation

"As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect." -Psalm 18:30-32

You know what I hate, besides sin?....CONFUSION...yes, that's right. I hate it. I seem to always struggle with it. Do I do this or do I do that? Did they mean this or am I assuming things? Is this from the Lord or is it Satan playing games? Is this the best way to be pleasing or do I just think it will be, but it will really come back and bite me in the rear later on?

I do this a lot. I question myself and I question everything else. I over-analyze for sure. In one of my classes yesterday we had small groups and read Luke 5:1-11 about Jesus, Peter and the fishermen. When we were asked how we would have reacted, I answered : similar to how Peter did. Peter was hesitant when Jesus gave him an order...he questioned the Lord.

Reading through a lot of the other ones, I realized my answers were all similar to the first. No matter what the situation, I always question it. I especially question the Lord. I know that My Lord is good and I know that He wants best for me, but I find myself being hesitant when He says, "JUMP".

I think it has to do more with the old me, where as I've felt the Lord telling me to do certain things lately, even though I didn't want to, I did them anyway. So that is improvement...but there are still questions lurking over my head...It seems like my life has become just one giant question mark...Do you ever just wish that you could peak behind the curtains of the future, for only just a moments glance? I do....But I know that if I saw that, I probably wouldn't be as focused on my Spiritual Walk and I'd be more focused on how I can achieve that future sooner than I should. I'm glad I'm able to see my weaknesses now...

Although it would be grand to have some idea to the future and it may be what I want, I will "deny myself" and as I have done many times, I will continue to submit to His timing and plan daily. His timing is perfect, why would I want anything less?

Lord, Please continue to keep my eyes unveiled and don't let my walls be crumbled until You command them to come down. Keep me strong. Thank You for being so faithful and merciful. I hope I can inhabit those things. -Amen

Every Day is a New Day

"I am seeing a new reflection. I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me ...And to Him, I have beauty beyond compare. I know He defines me"
-Barlow Girl

Tonight/morning was good...

I feel that there is great progress to be made...but I'm not leaping too soon....the walls are there...

I am sorry for my words that cut like knives

Restoration has been taking place, even before this time. I believe it will continue..I trust You Lord...

Maybe there will be many more frequent days of God remembering to turn on the anesthesia??...Its really a win/win situation regardless
(uh, in the long run)

....Chapel worship(Dr. Lewis) was AMAZING!!!