It seems that I can't quite keep up with this.....
I come back around every year or so it seems.... Maybe if I had kept up with it, I'd have had an easier time getting through things.
I re-read my last entry and decided to pick up from there...even though no one else reads this, I figure that might be best.
Its funny how things weigh on ones mind...and then how quickly those things fade away.
Addressing those things that I last wrote: First, I still can't imagine what my sister and brother in law went through with the premature birth of my nephew; however, by God's grace, Collin is thriving and a happy boy! You can read about their whole journey at: Collinmadison.blogspot.com . In fact, we were able to see God's plan through it...as Collin was born in November instead of his due date of the following February, which allowed for my sister to get pregnant again! Collin was three months old when she conceived They now have a beautiful daughter, Delaney, who is 1 year and 15 days younger than Collin. You can see her growth at: Delaneymmadison.blogspot.com
As for the concerns about the lost and my future...those things are still concerns, but not as much. I'm no longer concerned about my future with Nick, because I have seen God move swiftly in his life. Nick has grown in his faith immensely; seeking God daily and desiring to grow more. Nick has become the rock and leader that I have always wanted and needed. He has led me back to the cross many times over this past year when I have become lost and blind. I am so grateful for him and to Him. In fact, our future is looking pretty bright, as we are getting married in just over two months! You can visit our website here: www.weddingwire.com/NickandAubrey .
As for the other stuff, my heart still gets weighed down when I think about the lost; how misguided and hard-hearted people become. The thing is, it hasn't been on my mind as much, as my heart itself has become rather hardened. Over the past two years, I have let fear and anxiety run my life. I know that it is by God's grace that I've made it through the toughest spots (that I know of). Due to the fear and anxiety, I have become quite calloused to the sin in my life and also more hardened toward the world. My relationship with God has become fairly non-existent, yet I still have this love/concern/passion/desire/faith/belief that won't let me go..which I am very thankful for. The desire is there to grow and become on fire again, its the motivation and action that is lacking...and I get discouraged so easily.
If anyone out there does read this, please pray that I would start to focus on the positive in life; that I would recognize the beauty and grace God has given me in life and not get so disheveled over small things. Pray that the motivation and action would begin and that I bear fruit once again.
Thanks.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Thursday, August 08, 2013
Thursday, November 10, 2011
..."A Future and a Hope."
There just so happens to be roughly a million things on my mind... Things I am feeling so burdened about. They mostly have to do with my family, both current and potential future, and also my standing or relationship with God. Rather than worrying and asking for things through prayer for myself, I'm realizing more and more that even if it effects me, its not all about me. Also, that my prayer life and perspective need to change. Here are a few of those million things...
First thing on my mind is my nephew Collin. He is my first nephew and first baby in the family. He was born 15 week prematurely and it has been a struggle since his birth for him. He has had good days for sure, but there continue to be different challenges each day. I cannot even fathom what my sister or brother-in-law are going through, with their child's health in jeopardy. Then again..at the same time, as much as I adore children and he's my own blood, its hard to grasp the concept of everything, because I'm so far away. I ask people to pray, but I find that I do not pray enough myself.
Second thing on my mind is the lost... specifically those in my family who don't know Christ. Even more specific, Nick's brother. I've now had two conversations with him, and over those four plus hours, we've gone round and round, debating things of this world and the heavenly realm. Although I do not know all of the specifics, his life has been extremely rough, which has left his view of God completely skewed and himself, damaged. When I hear him talk about the things he believes, (or the things he doesn't believe), it makes my heart sad. How can someone be so broken that they've turned their back on God and refuse to see the truth? I find myself needing to defend everything I believe, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, but I don't know how to present things in a gentle way and I never have. I get fired up and can't back down. Presenting what I would call truth, is one of the few times I become passionate. He calls himself a "man of facts" but disregards the facts I present to him. I leave the conversations discouraged and sad for the lack of what he is able to see. Surely won't the God that I know, the ONE TRUE God, heal him and draw him back to Himself?
This leads me to the third thing racing around in my mind; that which is my future. Now that I am in a relationship, I find myself thinking of my future often; some of it is pleasant and even encourages hope and joy in my life. Some of it discourages me and makes me wonder if I'm making the right decisions. When I say "right", I mean those that are most pleasing to God; for no matter my future, that is my utmost calling. Due to the previous paragraph, I find myself heavy-laden with the situation of my relationship. Nick's brother has played such an influential role in his life. He has helped to mold Nick's ideas and view of the world,while Nick has still held on to God. In Nick's world, there is room for both God and some of his brother's views...and this scares me. A month a go, I was ready to be engaged...now I'm wondering if we could work? I am worried beyond belief that if Nick and I marry, his brother will have more influence over him than I do. I do not mean this as a matter of control, but that I'm frightened of who Nick will allow to pour into his life and what that would mean for our marriage and our children.There are some foundational things in our faith, how to run our future family, and who we are as people that we don't see eye to eye on. Some of it I know I could let go; they aren't important, but some I can't budge on. I hope that whoever Nick chooses to allow to pour into his life, it'll be someone that makes him more Christ like and that that would be his desire.
As I look at all of these things racing in my mind, weighing on my heart, and grieving my spirit, I'm realizing the true issues. Rather than asking for prayer from others I need to be doing it myself; and not a half-hearted, empty prayer, but on my knees/tears streaming kind of prayer; to be completely moved by the Spirit. Also, my issue is faith. I forget the power of God frequently. I see situations like the ones above and my faith waivers as I can't figure out how to solve them. I need to remember that its not me who can work in these situations, but God. It's not my work that will move them, but the work of the cross.
He has set my path before the foundations of the Earth and however this turns out, it will be for my good and for His glory.
First thing on my mind is my nephew Collin. He is my first nephew and first baby in the family. He was born 15 week prematurely and it has been a struggle since his birth for him. He has had good days for sure, but there continue to be different challenges each day. I cannot even fathom what my sister or brother-in-law are going through, with their child's health in jeopardy. Then again..at the same time, as much as I adore children and he's my own blood, its hard to grasp the concept of everything, because I'm so far away. I ask people to pray, but I find that I do not pray enough myself.
Second thing on my mind is the lost... specifically those in my family who don't know Christ. Even more specific, Nick's brother. I've now had two conversations with him, and over those four plus hours, we've gone round and round, debating things of this world and the heavenly realm. Although I do not know all of the specifics, his life has been extremely rough, which has left his view of God completely skewed and himself, damaged. When I hear him talk about the things he believes, (or the things he doesn't believe), it makes my heart sad. How can someone be so broken that they've turned their back on God and refuse to see the truth? I find myself needing to defend everything I believe, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, but I don't know how to present things in a gentle way and I never have. I get fired up and can't back down. Presenting what I would call truth, is one of the few times I become passionate. He calls himself a "man of facts" but disregards the facts I present to him. I leave the conversations discouraged and sad for the lack of what he is able to see. Surely won't the God that I know, the ONE TRUE God, heal him and draw him back to Himself?
This leads me to the third thing racing around in my mind; that which is my future. Now that I am in a relationship, I find myself thinking of my future often; some of it is pleasant and even encourages hope and joy in my life. Some of it discourages me and makes me wonder if I'm making the right decisions. When I say "right", I mean those that are most pleasing to God; for no matter my future, that is my utmost calling. Due to the previous paragraph, I find myself heavy-laden with the situation of my relationship. Nick's brother has played such an influential role in his life. He has helped to mold Nick's ideas and view of the world,while Nick has still held on to God. In Nick's world, there is room for both God and some of his brother's views...and this scares me. A month a go, I was ready to be engaged...now I'm wondering if we could work? I am worried beyond belief that if Nick and I marry, his brother will have more influence over him than I do. I do not mean this as a matter of control, but that I'm frightened of who Nick will allow to pour into his life and what that would mean for our marriage and our children.There are some foundational things in our faith, how to run our future family, and who we are as people that we don't see eye to eye on. Some of it I know I could let go; they aren't important, but some I can't budge on. I hope that whoever Nick chooses to allow to pour into his life, it'll be someone that makes him more Christ like and that that would be his desire.
As I look at all of these things racing in my mind, weighing on my heart, and grieving my spirit, I'm realizing the true issues. Rather than asking for prayer from others I need to be doing it myself; and not a half-hearted, empty prayer, but on my knees/tears streaming kind of prayer; to be completely moved by the Spirit. Also, my issue is faith. I forget the power of God frequently. I see situations like the ones above and my faith waivers as I can't figure out how to solve them. I need to remember that its not me who can work in these situations, but God. It's not my work that will move them, but the work of the cross.
He has set my path before the foundations of the Earth and however this turns out, it will be for my good and for His glory.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Stream of Consciousness
Bored and having many random things running through my head... its been far too long since I've written anything, so I thought "why not keep it simple for the first post back?" Welp, here goes...
-I usually "run" hot, but it is freezing in this office today. Wish I had a blanket.
-I've "met" a man. We actually met when I was 12 & he was 15. We were best friends in High school, lost touch for 7 years...got back in touch this past March and we've been talking every day since. This has been such a different time in my life...blessings, joys, struggles, love & growth. It's been an eventful 7 months for sure that were nothing short of wonderful.
-Fall is among us! The colors, smells, crisp mornings. The hope of this season is what gets me through the nasty summers. Bring on the scarves!
-I've started training for a 5k. If any of you know me, you know that I am not fit, nor have I ever run other than for the required "Mile Run" in high school or maybe to chase after an ice cream truck! I'm looking forward to the end result..even though its painful.
-My family is expecting its first baby! My sister is pregnant with my nephew, Collin Michael, who is expected to make his first appearance in the world in February. Couldn't be happier about this! He will undoubtedly be the most spoiled and loved baby on the planet. :)
-This past weekend, 6 out of 8 of a close group of college girls got together. Every time that we do, I feel such comfort. For 4 years, these women were "home" to me. Now we're growing up...3 are married and there are 5 babies in there somewhere. We're dispersed throughout the states, but somehow, when we get together its like we never left each other. It was such a great blessing to me to spend that time together.
-Galatians 5:22-23 has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm learning just how little of the spirit I am in tune with. I pray that He will continue to work in me.
-My best friend Sara & I are attempting to limit our Sugar intake until Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, Sugar is my kryptonite.
-Long distance relationships are not easy. When considering entering into it, I thought "eh, its no big deal, we can do this no problem..." Dang, I was quite naive. That man, Nicholas (Nick), has now moved to California...57 days until we see each other again. Ugh.
-This website gives me such inspiration! Check it out..I'm sure you'll love it too!
-61 days until Christmas! So looking forward to being in the beautiful landscape of New England and with my family. I laugh with them like no one else.
Well...I suppose I should get back to work. Have a great day all!
-I usually "run" hot, but it is freezing in this office today. Wish I had a blanket.
-I've "met" a man. We actually met when I was 12 & he was 15. We were best friends in High school, lost touch for 7 years...got back in touch this past March and we've been talking every day since. This has been such a different time in my life...blessings, joys, struggles, love & growth. It's been an eventful 7 months for sure that were nothing short of wonderful.
-Fall is among us! The colors, smells, crisp mornings. The hope of this season is what gets me through the nasty summers. Bring on the scarves!
-I've started training for a 5k. If any of you know me, you know that I am not fit, nor have I ever run other than for the required "Mile Run" in high school or maybe to chase after an ice cream truck! I'm looking forward to the end result..even though its painful.
-My family is expecting its first baby! My sister is pregnant with my nephew, Collin Michael, who is expected to make his first appearance in the world in February. Couldn't be happier about this! He will undoubtedly be the most spoiled and loved baby on the planet. :)
-This past weekend, 6 out of 8 of a close group of college girls got together. Every time that we do, I feel such comfort. For 4 years, these women were "home" to me. Now we're growing up...3 are married and there are 5 babies in there somewhere. We're dispersed throughout the states, but somehow, when we get together its like we never left each other. It was such a great blessing to me to spend that time together.
-Galatians 5:22-23 has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm learning just how little of the spirit I am in tune with. I pray that He will continue to work in me.
-My best friend Sara & I are attempting to limit our Sugar intake until Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, Sugar is my kryptonite.
-Long distance relationships are not easy. When considering entering into it, I thought "eh, its no big deal, we can do this no problem..." Dang, I was quite naive. That man, Nicholas (Nick), has now moved to California...57 days until we see each other again. Ugh.
-This website gives me such inspiration! Check it out..I'm sure you'll love it too!
-61 days until Christmas! So looking forward to being in the beautiful landscape of New England and with my family. I laugh with them like no one else.
Well...I suppose I should get back to work. Have a great day all!
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Crossroads
I've come to a point in my life where I know things need to change.
In three weeks, I'm supposed to be moving to SC from NH. Emotionally, I have been drained because I get a bit upset when I really think about it, but I still feel like I should go. My mother has presented me with the idea that maybe I'm depressed and a geographical relocation is not going to fix anything... but I'm not so sure I agree with her, (about the depression part).
My best friend and my sister make valid points that I'm 24 and should try to start living my own life. I don't want to be living with my parents, but with prices the way they are up here, I can't afford anything else.
I'm nervous though.. nervous about leaving. More nervous than at all excited about this new experience. But I hate my life here. I hate my jobs... and all I do is work and go home. Yes, I'm comfortable with spending each day watching TV, but what kind of life is that to live?
I've been so complacent and aloof about my relationship with God. I don't know if there's even a point to praying, because I don't hear Him and I never feel there is an answer given. But in my heart of heart's I know I should... and I want to, it's just so difficult, and honestly heartbreaking when I'm disappointed. But I know the kind of life I want to live; the kind of life I want to have in the future with a spouse and children, needs me to change for those things to be possible. I don't feel like that is possible here.
The one thing SC has that NH doesn't is a built in community of peers that are basically on the same level of thinking when it comes to spirituality. I feel like I have people there that can help me grow in the way I need to; to grow closer and deeper with God. I love my family, but they can't provide that... they honestly don't know how. I feel like this should be my big neon sign, but not having a job in SC and being 17 hours away from family makes the neon sign more dim. I have advice, pressure and time constraint coming from every side and it makes me just want to sit in bed, close the door, put on Glee and never come out....
I just really need to hear Your voice Lord. I cry out to you in desperation and I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. Please clear my head, clear my concerns and show me the way. Please I beg of you to guide me on the correct path. Provide for me needs, I plead. I feel like I need you more than I ever have. Please give me peace that transcends all understanding so that I may know exactly what it is that You want me to do. I ask these things in the name of Christ.
Amen.
In three weeks, I'm supposed to be moving to SC from NH. Emotionally, I have been drained because I get a bit upset when I really think about it, but I still feel like I should go. My mother has presented me with the idea that maybe I'm depressed and a geographical relocation is not going to fix anything... but I'm not so sure I agree with her, (about the depression part).
My best friend and my sister make valid points that I'm 24 and should try to start living my own life. I don't want to be living with my parents, but with prices the way they are up here, I can't afford anything else.
I'm nervous though.. nervous about leaving. More nervous than at all excited about this new experience. But I hate my life here. I hate my jobs... and all I do is work and go home. Yes, I'm comfortable with spending each day watching TV, but what kind of life is that to live?
I've been so complacent and aloof about my relationship with God. I don't know if there's even a point to praying, because I don't hear Him and I never feel there is an answer given. But in my heart of heart's I know I should... and I want to, it's just so difficult, and honestly heartbreaking when I'm disappointed. But I know the kind of life I want to live; the kind of life I want to have in the future with a spouse and children, needs me to change for those things to be possible. I don't feel like that is possible here.
The one thing SC has that NH doesn't is a built in community of peers that are basically on the same level of thinking when it comes to spirituality. I feel like I have people there that can help me grow in the way I need to; to grow closer and deeper with God. I love my family, but they can't provide that... they honestly don't know how. I feel like this should be my big neon sign, but not having a job in SC and being 17 hours away from family makes the neon sign more dim. I have advice, pressure and time constraint coming from every side and it makes me just want to sit in bed, close the door, put on Glee and never come out....
I just really need to hear Your voice Lord. I cry out to you in desperation and I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. Please clear my head, clear my concerns and show me the way. Please I beg of you to guide me on the correct path. Provide for me needs, I plead. I feel like I need you more than I ever have. Please give me peace that transcends all understanding so that I may know exactly what it is that You want me to do. I ask these things in the name of Christ.
Amen.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Tangerine Jazz.
Sitting downtown staring at a run down brick building, drinking some lovely coffee and listening to the sounds of big band jazz in the background... this has brought me to a happy place.
I think it would have been nice to live in the 30's. Such simplicity and grace about it all. To be able to sit back, relax, love and enjoy the life God has given you..... Why is that so hard to do today?
This summer has been the most exciting, yet stretching and difficult for me. I'm the most busy I've ever been and it makes me long for school to start again, as oxi-moronic as that may sound. Working, interning, meeting, schooling, driving, learning and forgiving. Really, I'm just living and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I want to retreat back to my days of a pre-teen and dance in my room to my favorite boy-band music, where my biggest worry up to date would have been if I had a pimple on my face or not. Instead, I worry about finances and if I'm turning out okay, or did I turn out okay? I worry about if I'm doing the right things in my life and will I ever have a "real" job? I worry that people are disappointed in me because my younger sister got engaged before I did? I worry that because my ex got married recently there might be something wrong with me, because I haven't. All of these lies I'm fed with daily, and more than I've even begun to mention, and all because of this fallen world we live in. I should be worrying about if I'm living my life for the proper reasons... to glorify the One true God, whom created me in His very image. It's time to get it together. I long for Heaven, truly I do.
So, until then, for this brief moment, I will picture myself enjoying creation with a summer dress, curls in my hair and pearls around my neck, listening to the jazz music against a tangerine sky, without a care in the world.
I think it would have been nice to live in the 30's. Such simplicity and grace about it all. To be able to sit back, relax, love and enjoy the life God has given you..... Why is that so hard to do today?
This summer has been the most exciting, yet stretching and difficult for me. I'm the most busy I've ever been and it makes me long for school to start again, as oxi-moronic as that may sound. Working, interning, meeting, schooling, driving, learning and forgiving. Really, I'm just living and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I want to retreat back to my days of a pre-teen and dance in my room to my favorite boy-band music, where my biggest worry up to date would have been if I had a pimple on my face or not. Instead, I worry about finances and if I'm turning out okay, or did I turn out okay? I worry about if I'm doing the right things in my life and will I ever have a "real" job? I worry that people are disappointed in me because my younger sister got engaged before I did? I worry that because my ex got married recently there might be something wrong with me, because I haven't. All of these lies I'm fed with daily, and more than I've even begun to mention, and all because of this fallen world we live in. I should be worrying about if I'm living my life for the proper reasons... to glorify the One true God, whom created me in His very image. It's time to get it together. I long for Heaven, truly I do.
So, until then, for this brief moment, I will picture myself enjoying creation with a summer dress, curls in my hair and pearls around my neck, listening to the jazz music against a tangerine sky, without a care in the world.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Experience
Columbia has been... interesting. It's been hot as well. And life, well.... that too has been interesting, to say the least. I don't want to write about the little things. I don't even want to write about anything really... except well, life. Not the shallow irrelevant things, but the things that make up life and all that it is... As of last night, someone else has chosen to take themselves out of mine.
I had a two hour conversation last night that I have every couple of months. It always starts off awkwardly simple and then past the 10 minute mark, 20 if I'm lucky, a big ball of conversation builds up into this stressful circle of disagreement. I try and try to understand and I just can't. They complain that I don't understand but then say that they don't want me to understand them. This is my only sister... but as of last night, she clearly stated that the only reason why we are to be called sisters is because, as fate would have it, we both came from the same woman.
I just want to understand. I'm not saying everyone has to believe what I do or have the same opinion, I just want to learn about others and why they believe what they do and why they don't believe what I do. Is that so... personal? Is that so.. disrespectful? Isn't that the reason why I came to College? I came to educate myself further about my own faith and to learn about the faiths that differ from my own... and somehow I'm wrong for this.
It has puzzled me for sometime now how two people can grow up in the same house, same parents and be so different. It doesn't make sense. Maybe it all boils down to the differences of experience, but were they so different? I experienced abuse, she didn't. I experienced immense responsibility, she didn't. I experienced the loss of love, she didn't. Did I experience Christ and she hasn't? Maybe that's the answer... maybe that's why I can get past my negative experiences and she holds onto them and creates a life of bitterness? I just don't know.
All I know is that according to her, only family can be the topic of conversation.... according to her, I don't have a sister. I just don't know what to do, honestly. But these... these are the things that make up life... Life is what I am experiencing.
I had a two hour conversation last night that I have every couple of months. It always starts off awkwardly simple and then past the 10 minute mark, 20 if I'm lucky, a big ball of conversation builds up into this stressful circle of disagreement. I try and try to understand and I just can't. They complain that I don't understand but then say that they don't want me to understand them. This is my only sister... but as of last night, she clearly stated that the only reason why we are to be called sisters is because, as fate would have it, we both came from the same woman.
I just want to understand. I'm not saying everyone has to believe what I do or have the same opinion, I just want to learn about others and why they believe what they do and why they don't believe what I do. Is that so... personal? Is that so.. disrespectful? Isn't that the reason why I came to College? I came to educate myself further about my own faith and to learn about the faiths that differ from my own... and somehow I'm wrong for this.
It has puzzled me for sometime now how two people can grow up in the same house, same parents and be so different. It doesn't make sense. Maybe it all boils down to the differences of experience, but were they so different? I experienced abuse, she didn't. I experienced immense responsibility, she didn't. I experienced the loss of love, she didn't. Did I experience Christ and she hasn't? Maybe that's the answer... maybe that's why I can get past my negative experiences and she holds onto them and creates a life of bitterness? I just don't know.
All I know is that according to her, only family can be the topic of conversation.... according to her, I don't have a sister. I just don't know what to do, honestly. But these... these are the things that make up life... Life is what I am experiencing.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Changes
I've been slightly overwhelmed the past week or so and today I hit the peak. I cried for the first time in a long time.. now, I know that may seem hard to believe, me..not cry? It's seems like an oxy-moron, but it's true. Okay, so maybe slightly was an understatement. As I was writing an email I think I realized why.
There are A LOT of changes going on for me in my life right now, and some may seem petty, but they're changes and sometimes I don't take too well to changes. It's weird to think back on how when I was a pre-teen/teenager and wondered what it would be like to be 18, to be 21.. and now I'm here. I'm a grown up, I'm an adult, and although I may not always act like it, the fact remains. I'm so scared to grow up. I just signed a lease on a house and paid my first rent check ever leaving 14$ in my bank account. I am living away from home for the first summer in 21 years, I'm going to be working part-time, if not full, in a ministry and I'll be mentoring girls. I'm going to be a senior next year and I'm trying to make ends meat just to keep my head above water. I'm scared of where I am now.
It's not that I'm worried about the outcomes of these things, it's not even that I'm worrying about how they'll work out. I'm not even worrying.. it's just scary to have such responsibility... it's scary to be doing all of this alone.
Although all of this is going through my head and makes me want to hide under a rock somewhere, I am overwhelmed by God's goodness. When I think I've hit rock bottom, He lifts me up. When I think there's no way for improvement, He makes it better. I'm going to need Him more than ever this summer... and through all the fear and anxiety, I'm excited to see Him move.
There are A LOT of changes going on for me in my life right now, and some may seem petty, but they're changes and sometimes I don't take too well to changes. It's weird to think back on how when I was a pre-teen/teenager and wondered what it would be like to be 18, to be 21.. and now I'm here. I'm a grown up, I'm an adult, and although I may not always act like it, the fact remains. I'm so scared to grow up. I just signed a lease on a house and paid my first rent check ever leaving 14$ in my bank account. I am living away from home for the first summer in 21 years, I'm going to be working part-time, if not full, in a ministry and I'll be mentoring girls. I'm going to be a senior next year and I'm trying to make ends meat just to keep my head above water. I'm scared of where I am now.
It's not that I'm worried about the outcomes of these things, it's not even that I'm worrying about how they'll work out. I'm not even worrying.. it's just scary to have such responsibility... it's scary to be doing all of this alone.
Although all of this is going through my head and makes me want to hide under a rock somewhere, I am overwhelmed by God's goodness. When I think I've hit rock bottom, He lifts me up. When I think there's no way for improvement, He makes it better. I'm going to need Him more than ever this summer... and through all the fear and anxiety, I'm excited to see Him move.
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