I've come to a point in my life where I know things need to change.
In three weeks, I'm supposed to be moving to SC from NH. Emotionally, I have been drained because I get a bit upset when I really think about it, but I still feel like I should go. My mother has presented me with the idea that maybe I'm depressed and a geographical relocation is not going to fix anything... but I'm not so sure I agree with her, (about the depression part).
My best friend and my sister make valid points that I'm 24 and should try to start living my own life. I don't want to be living with my parents, but with prices the way they are up here, I can't afford anything else.
I'm nervous though.. nervous about leaving. More nervous than at all excited about this new experience. But I hate my life here. I hate my jobs... and all I do is work and go home. Yes, I'm comfortable with spending each day watching TV, but what kind of life is that to live?
I've been so complacent and aloof about my relationship with God. I don't know if there's even a point to praying, because I don't hear Him and I never feel there is an answer given. But in my heart of heart's I know I should... and I want to, it's just so difficult, and honestly heartbreaking when I'm disappointed. But I know the kind of life I want to live; the kind of life I want to have in the future with a spouse and children, needs me to change for those things to be possible. I don't feel like that is possible here.
The one thing SC has that NH doesn't is a built in community of peers that are basically on the same level of thinking when it comes to spirituality. I feel like I have people there that can help me grow in the way I need to; to grow closer and deeper with God. I love my family, but they can't provide that... they honestly don't know how. I feel like this should be my big neon sign, but not having a job in SC and being 17 hours away from family makes the neon sign more dim. I have advice, pressure and time constraint coming from every side and it makes me just want to sit in bed, close the door, put on Glee and never come out....
I just really need to hear Your voice Lord. I cry out to you in desperation and I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. Please clear my head, clear my concerns and show me the way. Please I beg of you to guide me on the correct path. Provide for me needs, I plead. I feel like I need you more than I ever have. Please give me peace that transcends all understanding so that I may know exactly what it is that You want me to do. I ask these things in the name of Christ.
Amen.
