Walls All Around

"Come near to God and He will come near to you." -James 4:8
A big night of random things and thoughts here, so bear with me...

*I had written a blog about two hours ago, but it was a reactionary blog (which I deleted), so after I wrote that I went for a walk, made a jerk out of myself, and then decided to lay on the grass in front of the cafe and stare at the cloudy sky...I think talking to God has become like talking to a stranger, even when I'm in His splendor, its like I'm staring into nothing and speaking to a wall...I need Him to break through...

*I decided that I hate texting...1) it cost money. 2) I made myself look like a royal retard and psycho 3) they just leave me anticipating and I get let down...I just may chuck my phone at the freakin' wall...

*I saw Shane & Shane and David Crowder Band tonight...Pretty much amazing...I felt good at a lot of times, but in all honesty...I don't think any of it was joy..if so, I wouldn't have come home and felt the things I did. If it were joy, those things wouldn't have been able to bother me...

*I realized that I am probably the most jealous and selfish person that I have ever met...I don't like that. 1) its not fun for others..2) it ends up driving me nuts... Satan, you suck!

*When I freak out, or get so upset that I may freak out, I go for walks...I like that, gives me time to think and re-hash what I just reacted to...also lets me experience God all by myself. This fall weather is amazing!

*I guess everything comes back again...as in last semester when I was horrible, my stomach was messed up, I couldn't eat much and lost 33 lbs...but right now, I'm still stressing (and have been for a week) and I'm eating a grilled cheese sandwich after I just ate a chicken pot pie...I also ate a wrap and a kids meal last night from Chic-fil-a...I don't know what is going on with me...seems like I'm never satisfied...

*Like my play-0n-words there?? Yes, I realized that tonight too as I was laying in the grass, for some reason I keep searching, when I already have what I've been searching for...for some reason I'm striving for attention, when He wants to give me all of His...Why can't my mind wrap itself around this? It would make my life so much better, and yet...still a wall...

Well, I'm off to finish my sandwich and then get some sleep before formal open dorms all day tomorrow...this shall be fun..talk about major stress and awkwardness...I'm really not quite sure that I can do this? I wouldn't be surprised if I have to leave the hall every so often for "cry- breaks"...oh joy! What a fun day this will be :(

Grrrrr...(Self, stop giving Satan a foothold, you're better than that!)

Goodnight

A Glowing Ember

"You also, as living stones, are being built up a spiritual house" -1Peter 2:5

I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire: the yearning to be near you...

I know I can't be with you.

I do what I have to do...

but I have the sense to recognize, that I don't know how to let you go...

It's In The Air

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails." -William Arthur Ward

For some reason, I sense that there is pain today, maybe even bitterness...

Are we both feeling it? Maybe it's something in the way the wind is blowing...

If it is what I am sensing, I know its being ignored, pushed aside, swept under the rug, for nobody wants to admit it and feel what could create agony...

I think I can softly hear it whispering to me, but I am just shy of acknowledging its presence...

I don't know if that's healthy or not...but it seems appropriate for now.

I pray for the absence of my warm, salty tears...

Autumn Afternoon

"Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight" -Psalm 119:35
So this is a random piece of my "creative writing" from this afternoon...

It is so calm here as I write. It feels amazing to have my hair softly flow across my face in the crisp fall breeze...

The sky is filled with softly puffed clouds with a hint of gray, while the edges are glowing with light pink, as the sun is beginning to fade into the night...

To some, this day feels like winter, but to me it brings about a freshness and the start of new things. There is something so romantic about it...

Just sitting here, watching the clouds pass as the leaves are rustled around by the wind, reminds me of home...

But this has become my new home and I am experiencing the changes I see in it every day...

Here at this bench, under a perfectly full tree, has become my own little corner of the world...

It is here that I've come to take in all of these simple things that God so beautifully made. But then when I think about how He created all of this, they become far more than simple. They become these extravagant beauties that I've so selfishly taken for granted...

But there is still beauty and I am so thankful that My Creator has so graciously allowed me to switch gears for a moment, pause...and embrace His greatness.

Awaiting the Sun

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of any kind, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." -James 1:2-3

So, I sit here at 1:00 am and contemplate what it is in me that makes me feel this way? I was able at one point today to grieve over the realization that I've felt so unwanted and alone. I felt like God didn't even want me anymore, but I still can't figure out what's going on...

I have so many thoughts racing around in my head, but it's as if as soon as I try to grab one and attatch words to it for explanation, it runs away and I get confused and frustrated... Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm running on 3.5 hours of sleep with a total of 12 for the past 3 days? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I probably haven't spent quality time with God in over a week and haven't been able to bring myself to read His Word for probably 4 days?...I did just read though and I think it's been confirmed for me what His life lesson for me is-
That of course is perseverance...

I have to resolve myself to the fact that He is always going to hand me situations to persevere through. Sucky, I know, but atleast I'll probably get good at it over time...In fact, I know another situation is approaching tomorrow. Maybe that is why I refuse to close my eyes, in hopes that tomorrow will never come and that it was just something I dreamt when we agreed to do this?

But, I must bite the bullet, for in 5 hours, that sun will rise and it will be the start of something new, which I realize I must submit to and accept, as much as my selfish side wants to say no and just continue with the way things are and just let my heart be unguarded...

But that's not right...That is so unfair and so selfish of me...I care so much that I will set aside my selfishness, for I refuse to be a roadblock in the path to purity and sanctification. I just can't do that. So I press on and swallow it all...

I know it will get better and will probably be so than before, but change is hard. Maybe its also because it really wasn't discussed tonight and I felt like the goodbye was shallow and meaningless, that it didn't end on a good or bad note, just numb? They didn't even realize that I was choking back my tears and disguising them with a "happy voice" in order to not let them feel guilt or unhappiness themselves...So I curled myself up here, very much like I am now, in my "other room" and cried for a bit...

But, I realize now that this whole thing is exactly what I've been praying for...
1) It's a step towards balance
2) It's a step towards being healthy
3) It will help me to trust God
4) It will help me to trust him
5) It will give me patience...for I have absolutely no way of being able to somehow control the situation.

I know these weeks, (or however long), will be hard and I'm pretty sure that tomorrow may break whatever pieces of my heart I have left, (as you've noticed, I'm still awake trying to defeat the inevitable presence of tomorrow), but I will do as the Lord has called me to...

I will persevere and give Him my praise all the way through...

God, if You're listening...I'm ready.

Psalm 13

How long O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide Your face from me?

How Long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me.

Show Me How...

"Again Jesus said, 'Simon son of John, do you love me?' He answered, 'Yes, Lord, You know that I love You.'" -John 21:16

Lord,

Show me how to love You...

I know that I love you, but

I know that I fall so short...

I long to love you the way

I desire to love a husband.

I want to serve You...

I want to give You all of my passion.

Show me the way...

Simple Lessons

"Holy Spirit rain down on me...Let Your Glory surround this place as I worship and sing Your praise. Rise up in me, my heart rejoicing that You set me free. Come break the chains with songs of Liberty and flood over me..."

mmmm, tonight was so, so good...I feel at rest while I've been keeping busy...

So, after all that happened last night, I came back, went to the "quiet room" on my hall and just sobbed for probably 10 minutes straight and then, as my face was burning, wrote Painful Delay... Even though that was all good, I still didn't wake up quite right today...

In fact, I hated who I was...I had a very bad attitude, (sorry to those I may have hurt if you met "Aubrey Attitude" today, that was very unkind and wrong of me. I apologize)...I knew that I couldn't go to work that way, that wasn't fair to the children, nor my co-workers, so I tried to snap out of it...

About 2 hours after I got to work, I was able to have a great conversation with this girl Amy, whom used to be a regular, but is away at college and came home to help this week...But the things we talked about, our feelings, situations and trying to figure out what to do with them and what God is trying to show us, was EXACTLY what I needed!! ....I can't even begin to explain how amazing it was! ...I've gained new insight to things I need to cover in prayer and maybe ways to make sure God is my absolute # 1...

Then, had a good conversation with my father for a bit, he apparently just called to tell me that he loved me...That was really nice of him. I actually believed him...

Then after I goofed around with my roommate for a bit and talked with some people from back home, I decided I needed some alone time...So I went to the kitchen and decided to bake some Oatmeal Raisin Chocolate Chip Cookies...YUM :)

As I was doing this and had my "alone time", I made it so that I wasn't alone...As I was mixing the ingredients, I kept saying, "God, this is me praising You, I am sharing my joy with You, something that makes me truly happy." ...MAN, that felt SO GOOD!!!...
Even though I followed the recipe to a "T", the first batch came out looking like brown goo! Normally, I'd be disappointed, but I didn't let it frustrate me and I continued to praise God for just allowing me to have the ability to spend time with Him and also attempt to bake...

Okay, so this might sound a little funny using the story of baking cookies as my illustration, but its so true, it helped me to realize again how important it is to worship Him even when things are not perfect...for things will never be perfect, because I am not perfect and if I expect that, then I am only going to become disappointed and continue the whole failure/success cycle...I don't like that cycle so much...So, I want it to stop...If I can find a way to praise Him while doing something as simple as baking, then I believe I can find an infinite number of ways to praise Him in daily life, whether it good or bad....

Oh, how great my Lord is...He's teaching me and I'm learning...

Painful Delay

"By Myself, I can do nothing;"-John 5:30

Lord,
I am so angry with You. Why did You create me the way that I am? Why does this have to cause me so much pain? I thought I'd been longing after You, I thought I was on the right path, but yet again my pain has been a showing of my failure...Why is this? How am I failing? I think my heart is there when I say things to You, but I feel like You've shown me tonight that they'll never add up and they were never truthful...Was I just trying to convince myself???...

This is so STUPID!!...Why am I so messed up???...

Yeah, I guess it was all a reaction to the thought of not being with him. But no, it was seeing that picture of her in the "family portrait". How happy and "picture perfect" it all looked. It adds up to the fact that I feel like I'll never compare, I'll never be enough...If I do end up with him, what? Are her and I BOTH going to be in the family pictures? I feel like everyone will always wonder why he settled for me...? And then my frame...He replaced my picture and put her in it. I guess I feel betrayed. But wait- This is nothing to think about...AM I ON CRACK? I'm getting myself worked up over something that's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!...-The only thing is, I can convince my head of this, but my heart refuses to conform...

...Even through all of this anger, my heart is filled with nothing but love. I literally feel the warmth and comfort built up inside. It's filled with all this love that I want to pour out and also filled with the hope of having it returned by another!

You never created these feelings to be suppressed did You? Again, You created me the way I am and You know how greatly I desire to let these feelings flow, but tonight it's been abundantly clear that I've been searching for the wrong places to pour myself into and the wrong thing to be poured into me by.

I long for You, Lord, I truly do. I see that You've created these feelings for Yourself, for only You are worthy of being their keeper.

Could You love me Lord?

I want to give You my love, my ultimate love, nothing short of the passion I hold inside. This is the way I praise You. Lord, I want to truly experience Your love...Embrace me Lord and take me to that place where we can meet...You are my cornerstone...

This started as a complaint to the way You've made me, but as I write I understand now why You did so...You didn't give me these feelings so that I could suffer. You gave them so that they would be given back to You as worship. Me searching elsewhere has created my pain, it's been my fault...

But in my pain, I will still worship You with the love I know I have. You've placed it in me and now it will be used correctly in it's intended purpose...

I am sorry for the delay...I love You...

Healing

"The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down."
- Psalm 145:14

I belong to God...

I can and will give Him my eternal praise...He has called me out of the darkness and brought me into the light...

I am His child...He has shared with me His mercy.

I believe He has prepared a way for me, because He loves me...

Where My Heart Desires To Be...

"Quiet! Be still!...Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith? -Mark 4:39-40

I've been struggling lately with a bunch of different things and I believe that they had begun to take a toll on me...Well, I mean my emotions haven't been so haywire, but I think I've begun to drift back into a numb state of heart and mind...I don't like it there so much.

Because of some of this, I've gotten 2 accountability partners...It is going to be another struggle, but I'm so happy about it...I feel one step, actually two steps, closer to breaking free from this bondage that I've been in...I feel like someday soon, I'll be able to truly breathe.

...I've realized today that I've had some dysfunctional views of things regarding God, or lack there of...I've been so worried for so long and I find it so hard to continually trust Him...
But that is what the sermon in church was about today. Remembering what He has done and knowing that He will bring us through the storms...

I've been so wrong. I've wanted something tangible, something that I could physically feel, to take care of me...Something to subside my fears and to comfort me and I realize that I've been searching for this in a person rather than God...

It's so difficult for me to go to God first. For some reason because I can't literally feel His arms around me, I can't literally hear His voice whispering to calm me down, I search for human comfort and 9.5 times out of 10 am denied, so I'm left feeling more empty than when I began...
This has left my heart so hard at times because I'm searching in the wrong place and I always get let down...But that brings me back to the sermon and something I realized at hall prayer tonight...

I'm so quick to forget all that He has done, all that He has graciously brought me through. I feel horrible for that. I'm so quick to just move on to the next thing that catches my attention and distracts me from Him, all because I can reach for it and see it...I want this to change so badly. I realize now that I'm not going to move on to that next stage I've been dreaming all my life for until Him and I are intertwined with each other. Only then will He take the pain I'm enduring now and show me what it was all meant to be used for...

I see now that Christ is the one... He is my knight and shining armor...