Flicker

With the New Year, I started my devotional book up again and am feeling good that I'm reading a bit about God's promises and the encouraging blurbs from Billy Graham. There was however something I read the other day and I just didn't even know what to do with it. As I was reading the blurb, I looked back at the scripture for the day and it was Matthew 28:20-
"I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

The blurb reinforced the scripture with it's story and then it hit me: I don't believe that. "Christ never leaves us, He is with us every step of the way" This is so hard for me to believe. I KNOW it's true because I KNOW God's Word is true... but it's not in my heart and I don't know what to do with that. I can't feel Him. I can't hear Him. I don't remember what He feels like, what He looks like. Whenever I've gone through trial I've always prayed "Lord, I don't need anything new.. I don't deserve anything new... just please remind me of your goodness of the past and it will bring me right back to you"... and now, I've begun to pray for new things because I can't tangibly remember my spiritual past. I'm a feeler... I need to know that He is near like the Word says, but I just don't.

I was listening to David Crowder tonight on my drive home and as I was listening to "I Need Words" this mental picture of God's and My relationship popped into my head. You know how we've been told forever that God never stops pursuing us, we stop pursuing him, etc...? Well the picture in my mind was of Me and God was standing behind me and I was PULLING and TUGGING on His arms, just trying to get them to wrap around me; to get him to hug me, to comfort me.. and He was resisting. Not with everything He had, obviously, but I was giving it all I had... and He has no interest anymore.

Am I lost? Did I ever know God or did I create Him in my mind? I don't doubt God, I don't doubt His existence... I doubt that our relationship was ever real, I suppose. I feel like I can encourage every one around me (when I want). I can give them God's word and His promises and know that I'm telling the truth... but I guess it's not alive or applicable to my own life. The wilderness is a lonely place of complacency and apathy. This is the first time in a long time that I've cried over my loss... and that's what it is, a loss.

With the bit of hope I have... I'm hoping these baby-steps (Adult group, devotionals, etc.), will be in the right direction and bring something back... a flicker at least that will eventually lead to a flame.

Working for Dave Barnes

Okay, so I don't REALLY work for him, but I was a volunteer worker last night at his show in NH. I got to work his Merch Booth for the evening and after everything was said and done, I got to meet him!!! It was so exciting. I was such a nerd too, because the only thing I could come up with to say when I first met him was "I'm such a big fan".. in response he told me he was a big fan of mine as well. ;)

So, I got 2 free cds, his autograph, a sticker and a shirt, plus going to the show for free. It was quite the experience.

Here is the lovely picture:

Deep Breath

I’ve been really thankful these past few months for God answering my prayer of contentment. I’ve been so secure and not desiring things out of their time. It has been one of the most refreshing things to experience.

It has been so good that even the thought, I mean actual deep thought of being in a relationship, and I start to feel claustrophobic. Literally, my body tenses and my mind starts to panic in a way. I end up shutting the thought out and I go on being content. It has been this way for, I’d say about 5 months, maybe?

And then this weekend happened.

I had a great visit with my best friend from college and we spent it walking around the city of Boston. Aside from the extreme heat and awful pain of walking in poor shoes, it was great. The thing is, I met someone. However, I didn’t “meet someone” like everyone else puts it. I mean, I just met a guy, who happens to be sweet, funny, way too smart for me, and very attractive. There was nothing “exciting” or anything…but ever since I’ve left Boston, a lot has been on my mind, including this person. It’s just such a change from these past few months, yet I’m trying all I can to keep my mind off of it.

So what is this?

Am I realizing that it just may be quite nice to have a companion or do I just need to wait a few more days where time and distance will help me forget? Maybe it’s just a wake up call that I do still need to keep preparing myself for the future. I do need to grow in the Word and in my relationship with God. I need to be self-sufficient, responsible and dependable.

Apparently this is growing up. Learning patience, growing in grace and taking it day-by-day seems to be the essential steps in this process… or at least mine.

A deep breath... Here I go.

So Far...

Well, it's quite overdue that I write something. I usually only ever write when I'm inspired to, but just out of sheer boredom I think I'll write today.

I have graduated from college and since then, so much and so little has happened. It seems like forever ago that I was in school and that I was living in Columbia with fat-cat Mr. Werthers. Now, I'm here... living in an apartment that has a beautiful location and even has a great deal, yet I escape to my parent's house any chance I get... I think I do to avoid the drama at my apartment. I'm just so much more comfortable at my parent's house. I feel like I can be the closest thing to "me" as possible, apart from being at CIU.

I think I'm in an introverted stage right now. I just kind of want to be left alone; feel free to do my own thing, without being judged for it or someone constantly trying to diagnose me for what I'm going through, etc. (Which I'm not "going through" anything by the way, just... adjusting).

I'm jobless at the moment. I've found quite a few jobs in the paper... but I've yet to get around to applying for any of them. It seems I'm not such a "go-getter". I spend my time watching Food Network more than I'd like to admit; I have a hard time with the 4 year old that I live with because he's disrespectful; I think his mother is a drama queen and gossip and that annoys the crap out of me; I think he needs to be more disciplined; I wish he were mine sometimes so I could discipline him properly; I'm in no way ready to be a mother.

I haven't really talked to God in awhile... I haven't read His Word in such a long time and I miss it.

I'll be traveling to Boston this weekend and spending it with Sara... I pray this is the breath of fresh air that I need.

A Day in Asheville.

I’m sitting in Asheville, NC looking out the window at the grey, wet street while the sounds of jazz ring in my ears. This run down, sort of disturbing area has this sweet tone to it. It is very much bohemian sheik.

While eating a Lemon Bavarian dessert with fresh raspberries and sipping an extremely strong café latte’ I am brought back to my evening in Paris two summers ago. As gloomy as it might be here, there is a hint of summer in the breeze.

This is a much needed break from my life. To be here where nobody knows who I am. To them, I am just a girl in the brown sweater typing away on her computer about “only God knows what.” … although I do not know what opinion of me they have created in their mind, to me I feel that I look like a food critic (something I’ve always wanted to be), typing up my opinions of their dessert and coffee…. This is most definitely needed at this time in my life.

I have struggled lately with the impending close of this life chapter. I imagine that graduation day will be very difficult for me to get through. There are so many unknowns and yet life doesn’t pause and let you work through the details. The same responsibilities are still there no matter how long you try to avoid them; they won’t disappear.
I’ve been relishing lately on how big this chapter of my life has been, this being the chapter of college. It has been far greater than the previous eighteen years of my life and I just don’t know how to close it. The best way I can describe it is this way:

There is no way to avoid closing this chapter in my life. I am so afraid of turning the page, and yet I am dying to know what is on the other side.

This is where I have needed to call upon Christ; my strength and hope. I do not know the details; I only know what I learn each passing day. I know my desires and have been discouraged by trying to figure out the way to attain them… yet, God brings me back to Himself and I fall at His feet in need or surrender. Sometimes, it is day to day. Other times, it is hour by hour. Truly, it is a constant battle… but the comforting thought is this:

I belong to the Victor!

And so, I am about to head back to this house in Asheville where I am spending one more night, and then back to the school where I am teaching one more day. I’ll pack my bags and head back to Columbia to the life that will shortly end; a life of deadlines, books, friends and cafeteria food. As dull as that may sound, I pray it doesn’t go too fast and I pray to savor the moment- receiving all of it’s benefits and cherishing the moment I’m in.

In a short period of time real life will set in and the life of a grown up I’ll be living.
The strength of the Lord will be needed in more ways than one.

Jesus, I Come.

I'm not quite at a point where I can write much... but through a friend, I came accross this Hymn (again) and as I read the words, there was such a stirring within me... as if this is what my soul has needed these past few weeks.
I can't imagine that one can read/sing/meditate on these words and not feel compelled to just fall before the LORD in worship...

Out of my bondage, sorrow, and night,

Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;

Into Thy freedom, gladness, and light,

Jesus, I come to Thee;

Out of my sickness, into Thy health,

Out of my want and into Thy wealth,

Out of my sin and into Thyself,

Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of my shameful failure and loss,

Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;

Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,

Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of earth’s sorrows into Thy balm,

Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm,

Out of distress to jubilant psalm,

Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of unrest and arrogant pride,

Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;

Into Thy blessèd will to abide,

Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of myself to dwell in Thy love,

Out of despair into raptures above,

Upward for aye on wings like a dove,

Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of the fear and dread of the tomb,

Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;

Into the joy and light of Thy throne,

Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of the depths of ruin untold,

Into the peace of Thy sheltering fold,

Ever Thy glorious face to behold,

Jesus, I come to Thee.

Carpe Diem?

It is currently 4 in the morn' and I am awake, but not by choice.
I was supposed to get up at 3 in order to type a paper and email it off, but I was just a bit tired that I needed the extra 45 minutes, now it's too late and I must pack, for I'm leaving on a plane bound for New Hampshire this morning. The Weather Channel says it's going to be in the 20's this week... I'm not sure I can handle it.

So, it's back to "familiar" things. Things of my past and things of my future? I imagine there will be much reflection this break. I'm about to be 22 and there is also something about this time of year that makes me think a lot. There was so much I had planned for my life at 22... and not much of it has happened. Other things did... great things and horrible things, but not most of what I've planned. I'm bound and determined not to let it get to me too much because I know that I have a Savior who altered my destination by His act of grace, therefore, I know my life is now going according to HIS plan. It is a comfort though to know that He is in control... my life would be a mess if I was. There is quite a freedom in that.

So, I'm still learning, in case you hadn't noticed. I desire to be teachable. I desire to be strong in character. I desire to be a blessing.
There is still so much I hope for, and honestly I don't think I'll ever know what's next... I just pray that I enjoy the ride rather than wish away the moment... I know I'm young, but the older I get, the more real it is to me how brief life is.
Well... "Carpe Diem", right?

Older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go, life goes on.
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out, so they say.

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore.
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder.
It's kinda tough getting older.

Here before my eyes, many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now.
If I take a chance,
What lies down the road?
Feeling so confused, turned round.

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older...

Something's Missing...

"Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out while I am someone else?" - John Mayer

Man, it's been awhile. I really don't even know what to say or what words to use to describe how my life has been lately. Maybe the best word would be: lonely.
Yeah, I think that's the one.

Everyday is the same thing: Class, work, bed; repeat. I feel like I have so much to do, yet I don't feel like I'm ever doing anything. I don't have time to spend with people, yet I desire to immensely.
I've been learning a lot lately, especially in one particular class and it's helped me to understand a bit more about myself. I think my loneliness has to do with the fact that one, I've been busy, but two, that Quality time is an important thing to me. It's essential to fill my "love tank" as Dr. Gary Chapman says in his books. And this is something that has drastically been minimized in my life.

I think it's not so much the fact that people aren't trying to include me, but more that I don't have the time pour into other's lives. But then again, why aren't other's seeking my friendship? I find that slightly strange. Hmmm?...

Anyway, everything just seems to be on the downfall right now. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm serious. I don't know where in my schedule I can move around, cut down or budge anything to balance it all... it seems it may have to be this way all semester.

Again, I'm just rambling, but it's nice to be able to write it down. I don't know what else to do, but give it to the LORD.. really is there anything else? I fear my deep desire to be consumed by and in the word of God is becoming faint. I know my heart still desires this, but the feeling of how strong it is seems to be going away... I don't want this, yet don't know how to fix it.

Father God, I pray that You would give me specific direction and that all I may think, say or do would honor Your name. I pray that You wouldn't just reign in my spiritual life, but in all areas of it. Help me along during this "gray" time I pray. I thank You for redeeming my soul from the pit of despair. You are my refuge and strength. I pray never to forget that. Amen.

Starting Back to School.

Since being back to school, I've already had some ups and downs. I'm working part-time as an assistant director for the YMCA, which is a 1/2 hour away from campus; I'm the Floor Leader of my building, which some may think is nothing, but it's hard to be a leader and not let things get to you, especially from your peers; Started school already, but I'm still caught up in the summer mode, not used to living here and going to classes every day. Trying to make friends and maintain the ones I have, but it's so hard... how hard will it be once I leave, if I leave?

My classes though... I am SO EXCITED about them. I'm so excited to learn more about God's Word, How people develop and about Marriage and Family and what it takes to have a strong healthy one. That one class, M&F, if flippin' amazing... I've taken so many notes and am eating up all the professor has to offer. They are so good, but needless to say, I've been overwhelmed...

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've missed church the past two weeks... then when I went yesterday, I got a new perspective and attitude... Man, have I missed church. It's so refreshing and convicting. I love it when you can tell and see the Holy Spirit working through each of His laborers, tying all of the lessons together, revealing more of what He has for me to learn... THIS is what I live for. Holy Cow, He brings me joy... more than one could ever use words to explain.

Anyway, that's my update... not much of one, but one nonetheless...

So, It's Wednesday...

I'm sitting downtown again, but this time outside listening to the cars on a humid night, the first day of August to be exact. Not only do I hear the cars stop and go, but there's 60's and 70's funk music playing, which just so happens to make me crack a smile.

The summer will come to an end shortly, in a matter of days and as much as I thought I was, I'm not quite ready to go back. I've enjoyed this freedom a lot. Anyway, that's not really my point here, My point boils down to Christ...

I've been dead for quite sometime... maybe hibernating, if you will, and it just so happens that 2 weeks before I head back to school the LORD rekindles the flame in my heart and gives me a cup of overflowing joy. Now, one might think this is perfect, what better way to head back to school? But now I feel like I wasted my summer. It flew by and I never really lived it out to it's potential or took advantage of it's opportunities. I've been interning at my church since May, and just now am I bonding with the Youth. There are friends that I've just recently made, although they've been here for a year, and now... they're leaving for good. Honestly, I'm pretty sad about it. Sad about it all really...

This is no reflection on Christ, but rather on my lack of devotion to Him and those whom He's placed in my life. And yet, He blesses me. There has been so much I've learned at church this summer that leaves me craving more. I was sitting at my house Monday night thinking "Man, I wish there was something going on at church tomorrow!".... Me, love church? Yes, yes I do.

Something that hit me tonight as Rod Arters spoke was :
"Do not approach God because you can get something from Him, but rather, seek just to be near Him."
You'd think I would have been quick enough to figure this out BEFORE my Senior year of college, but someone asked me what I was most looking forward to this year and my answer: "To learn about the Bible". Imagine, just being near God... to sit at the feet of Christ. My heart grows bigger with excitement at the thought... I'm thankful that he moved my heart at all, that He continued to pursue me and show His love to me and that He gave me the opportunity at all to answer His call to me.

Desire to know Him. This is my hope and assurance.

Tangerine Jazz.

Sitting downtown staring at a run down brick building, drinking some lovely coffee and listening to the sounds of big band jazz in the background... this has brought me to a happy place.
I think it would have been nice to live in the 30's. Such simplicity and grace about it all. To be able to sit back, relax, love and enjoy the life God has given you..... Why is that so hard to do today?

This summer has been the most exciting, yet stretching and difficult for me. I'm the most busy I've ever been and it makes me long for school to start again, as oxi-moronic as that may sound. Working, interning, meeting, schooling, driving, learning and forgiving. Really, I'm just living and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I want to retreat back to my days of a pre-teen and dance in my room to my favorite boy-band music, where my biggest worry up to date would have been if I had a pimple on my face or not. Instead, I worry about finances and if I'm turning out okay, or did I turn out okay? I worry about if I'm doing the right things in my life and will I ever have a "real" job? I worry that people are disappointed in me because my younger sister got engaged before I did? I worry that because my ex got married recently there might be something wrong with me, because I haven't. All of these lies I'm fed with daily, and more than I've even begun to mention, and all because of this fallen world we live in. I should be worrying about if I'm living my life for the proper reasons... to glorify the One true God, whom created me in His very image. It's time to get it together. I long for Heaven, truly I do.

So, until then, for this brief moment, I will picture myself enjoying creation with a summer dress, curls in my hair and pearls around my neck, listening to the jazz music against a tangerine sky, without a care in the world.

Experience

Columbia has been... interesting. It's been hot as well. And life, well.... that too has been interesting, to say the least. I don't want to write about the little things. I don't even want to write about anything really... except well, life. Not the shallow irrelevant things, but the things that make up life and all that it is... As of last night, someone else has chosen to take themselves out of mine.

I had a two hour conversation last night that I have every couple of months. It always starts off awkwardly simple and then past the 10 minute mark, 20 if I'm lucky, a big ball of conversation builds up into this stressful circle of disagreement. I try and try to understand and I just can't. They complain that I don't understand but then say that they don't want me to understand them. This is my only sister... but as of last night, she clearly stated that the only reason why we are to be called sisters is because, as fate would have it, we both came from the same woman.
I just want to understand. I'm not saying everyone has to believe what I do or have the same opinion, I just want to learn about others and why they believe what they do and why they don't believe what I do. Is that so... personal? Is that so.. disrespectful? Isn't that the reason why I came to College? I came to educate myself further about my own faith and to learn about the faiths that differ from my own... and somehow I'm wrong for this.

It has puzzled me for sometime now how two people can grow up in the same house, same parents and be so different. It doesn't make sense. Maybe it all boils down to the differences of experience, but were they so different? I experienced abuse, she didn't. I experienced immense responsibility, she didn't. I experienced the loss of love, she didn't. Did I experience Christ and she hasn't? Maybe that's the answer... maybe that's why I can get past my negative experiences and she holds onto them and creates a life of bitterness? I just don't know.

All I know is that according to her, only family can be the topic of conversation.... according to her, I don't have a sister. I just don't know what to do, honestly. But these... these are the things that make up life... Life is what I am experiencing.

Grace

I'm on my knees

Only memories are left for me to hold.

Don't know how, but I'll get by

Slowly pull myself together (I'll get through this)

There's no escape

So keep me safe

This feels so unreal.

Nothing comes easily

Fill this empty space

Nothing is like it seems

Turn my grief to Grace.

I feel the cold

Loneliness unfold

From another world

Come what may I won't fade away,

but I know I might change.

Nothing comes easily

Fill this empty space

Nothing is like it was

Turn my grief to Grace.

Nothing comes easily where do I begin?

Nothing can bring me peace, I've lost everything.

I just want to feel Your embrace..

I love this song. It reminds me of how I've been lately, how my thoughts have been lately. The past has come into my mind so frequently it seems. I don't know that I have any emotions over it, it's just been in my thoughts, even dreams. I'm okay, actually I'm really good. I just wonder if as the date approaches faster and faster how I'll be holding up? Will I be too busy to notice? I trust that I'll get through all of it, with God's strength, yes.. I will!... Just as the line says, I pray that God will continue to turn my grief to Grace.

I desire to feel Him more than anything I ever have...

Changes

I've been slightly overwhelmed the past week or so and today I hit the peak. I cried for the first time in a long time.. now, I know that may seem hard to believe, me..not cry? It's seems like an oxy-moron, but it's true. Okay, so maybe slightly was an understatement. As I was writing an email I think I realized why.

There are A LOT of changes going on for me in my life right now, and some may seem petty, but they're changes and sometimes I don't take too well to changes. It's weird to think back on how when I was a pre-teen/teenager and wondered what it would be like to be 18, to be 21.. and now I'm here. I'm a grown up, I'm an adult, and although I may not always act like it, the fact remains. I'm so scared to grow up. I just signed a lease on a house and paid my first rent check ever leaving 14$ in my bank account. I am living away from home for the first summer in 21 years, I'm going to be working part-time, if not full, in a ministry and I'll be mentoring girls. I'm going to be a senior next year and I'm trying to make ends meat just to keep my head above water. I'm scared of where I am now.

It's not that I'm worried about the outcomes of these things, it's not even that I'm worrying about how they'll work out. I'm not even worrying.. it's just scary to have such responsibility... it's scary to be doing all of this alone.
Although all of this is going through my head and makes me want to hide under a rock somewhere, I am overwhelmed by God's goodness. When I think I've hit rock bottom, He lifts me up. When I think there's no way for improvement, He makes it better. I'm going to need Him more than ever this summer... and through all the fear and anxiety, I'm excited to see Him move.

Circles

It seems again, my call is to wait. It seems to be all that I do...
Wait for tomorrow...
Wait for summer...
Wait on God...
Wait for something more...

I've become tired again, I think.

My friends have been so patient.

I've continued to lose mine.

Denouement

"It doesn't have to be perfect like a movie scene"... it just has to happen.

One can't be afraid...

"Love is almost always accidental" (according to Baumer).

My heart is hopeful... for reasons unexplainable.

The Weekend.

This is just something to hold me over until I actually have TIME to write something...

The stirring within

I want to be questioned

but I try not to think.

Trying to pretend

so scared to get hurt,

be let down once again.

I give You my mind, LORD.

I give You my heart...

I want to feel, but I don't at all.

Let me feel You, LORD

to be consumed from within.

Life & Death

I feel like the past couple of months have led up to this...

I attended a funeral today. These things can be so awkward. Although there were personal distractions, the service was one of the most beautiful things I've experienced. Everything, even down to her obituary was a testimony to us all, saved and lost. One of her grandchildren even decided to commit his life to Christ after the service... I imagine the angels are singing.

Just going through the motions, being with the family and kids all week to prepare for their grandmother's funeral has been eating at me. For a couple of months now I've had death on the mind. Not to worry I promise, but rather about how I will die and so forth. One day at work I was listening to a co-worker, who is an older woman, talking about how she's "losing her mind"... and rather than joking with her, I thought to myself "Will I make it to the age where I may begin to lose me mind?"... this is all such a mystery to me. Will I ever make it to an old age? Will I die in my twenties?.. and that leads me to thinking about when I DO die...

I know I say I think about it, but at the same time I try and make my mind shut it off and shut it out, so that I can't think about it. Am I making sense? I know as a follower of Christ, I should not be afraid... and I don't fear where I'm going.. I fear how I will die and just dieing in general. All I know is this world.... I don't know Heaven, and I'm scared. I watched a video of this grandmother before she passed and she talked about what she thought Heaven would be like and I just started to cry... not because she was gone, but because I'm so scared... Is this a control issue? Maybe.

I trust that however long I live, God will make my life fruitful... I know that when I enter the gates of Heaven and Christ's arms are wrapped around me, I'll be much better off... At the same time, I wonder if I'll feel his arms? Is there life beyond this, is there eternity? I believe there is... but do I believe it just because it's been spoon fed to me?

I need to start "feeding" myself....Now, where do I begin?

What is Joy?

Well to keep you up to date from my last post. I was able to make "good tapes" with my friend. It's helped so far... I'm just needing to keep up with it.

I gave my testimony today in speech class.. chapel had a lot to do with the same subject and it got me thinking about Joy. About what it is and what it means to be joyful.
Reaching back into my past to talk to my entire class about it was a little hard to do. It was hard to tap into my experience with depression and think on how I reacted to it. I never ate, I didn't sleep at night and slept all day. I cried every day for 1 1/2 years.... it was not fun.
I think about all the pain I went through and at times I thought God had to have hated me so much to let me endure so much pain.. but that's the thing, I endured... and by Christ's strength alone.

During this time is when I realized there was a difference between happiness and joy. Toward the end of the relationship, as I got even more depressed, I remember knowing the end was coming, but there was a certain day that I felt the most unexplainable joy, a joy that brought me to tears... the reason? Because my God is who He is. I was completely depressed and sad, but I was joyful because my God loved me and had my best interest at heart....

This whole situation gives me hope... hope for the future. I can rest knowing that as I follow God, He will allow me to experience Joy. I trust that in the future, God will create things from my pain.... Beauty.