Spring Cleaning

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. "

Spring break... Going rather well I should say.

I moved into my "apartment" with Vicki and my little crapface. He is so unbelievably cute, and I'm so thankful that he really likes me...you know how babies can be with that stuff...but he loves me to death, as I do him, so things are good...

Kinda stinks not having a car here, but there was no way I was driving my car here just to stay for 10 days...but I can use my Dad's car tomorrow and during the weekend my aunt is letting me use her new car while she'll be laid up after surgery...so that will be nice. I don't really like sitting around watching TV... I'd rather be doing something....hmmm, reminder, must call Justin tomorrow...

Well, my sponsor letters for Europe are just being received and the LORD has provided well past what was expected in the time frame given... I still need more money, but I have no fear... For some reason, the Lord has chosen to bless me and give to me...He seems to want the doors wide open and want me to go on this trip..He will provide the rest...I know!

God seems to be working so much so fast!...I wonder if He gets tired? :)
I see Him, not only working in my life at a fast pace, but others as well...which has led me to my dilemma...

Oh, I am so thankful for all He has done and continues to do, don't get me wrong. I can't believe how fast He's mended most of my heart, helped me to move on, helped me respond in ways that I should, and repaired so much damage between His and my relationship. Things have not bothered me once the way they've ever bothered me before... I'm thinking I'm home free....BUT, I stumbled across some things tonight that made me realize that I still have a sore spot that hasn't entirely healed yet...but then again, if anyone were to think that I were completely healed already, they'd must be "off their rocker"...

There are just some underlying things that are still there and I don't know how I can get them to not bother me? I think, "oh, if I get a boyfriend, that will help." or if I do something artistic/crafty or something, but then I think, "God wants me to be with Him first and foremost." ...I'm still learning that I can't do things of my own strength.

In my own strength, I can't keep from "checking up" on him. I do it because I like to see how God is working in his life, because I care about him, that won't ever change...but I need to stop it. Even if God is working great things, it can sting because I don't get to experience it with him, it can hurt about what they may say to each other, even if they are/aren't together. I'd like to think that it would help me more and be excited for him...but it does nothing to benefit me... It was brought to my attention that yes, even though I want to know what's going on in his life, he doesn't want me in it...

I'm not 100% sure, for God hasn't revealed it completely, but I don't believe that we'll ever speak again. And if that is how God sees fit, than that is quite alright...

LORD,
I love you, I truly do. I've seen what it means to truly pray with sincere prayer and to HONESTLY want what You want. It's been rewarding and You've done nothing but re-affirm for me the trust I can have in Your character. I just continue to pray for freedom, a healed heart, a pure heart and a heart that is completely surrendered to You. I struggle with things sometimes and LORD and I need Your strength. I honestly don't know why he hates me the way he does, but I ask that You'll either show me, or help me to disregard it. Things have been and are unfortunate, but I've let them be and I ask that You would continue to move me on with my life. Whatever in life keeps me restless, I pray that You'll help me to find peace and true rest in You. My heart has wings and I worship You for it all. Refine my soul until it reflects Your image. Thankyou for calling me beautiful.

-Your willing servant