"Now I have a peace I've never known before...I find myself complete, My heart is spoken for"
-Mercy Me
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows role.
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
It is well,
With my soul.
It is well, it is well with my soul.
My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought.
My sin not in part but the whole.
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more.
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord oh my soul.
And Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll.
The trump shall resound, and My LORD shall descend.
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well,
With my soul.
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Another Stepping Stone
"Listen to your heart...there's nothing else you can do."
-Roxette
Wow, I must say I'm just really confused...I'm confused about it all really.
That confusion made me hurt a bit today...Definitely hit me emotionally.
I don't know any better really...its all I've known, so its hard to believe in change.
A bit had to do with just some stuff that's been around since Cain and Abel, plain and simple...foolish really.
I apologize to those I seemed angry towards...its partially justifiable, but all in all, not deserved.
Lord, I really just need big hug right now. That would make me happy :) I look forward to our time together.
-Roxette
Wow, I must say I'm just really confused...I'm confused about it all really.
That confusion made me hurt a bit today...Definitely hit me emotionally.
I don't know any better really...its all I've known, so its hard to believe in change.
A bit had to do with just some stuff that's been around since Cain and Abel, plain and simple...foolish really.
I apologize to those I seemed angry towards...its partially justifiable, but all in all, not deserved.
Lord, I really just need big hug right now. That would make me happy :) I look forward to our time together.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Bottom Of The Ocean
"The mistakes I've made that cause pain,
I could have done without
All my selfish thought; all my pride
The things I hide You have forgot about
They are behind you
They'll never find you
They're on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They're on the bottom
They're out on the Ocean floor.*" -Audio adrenaline
Sometimes its hard to remember that EVERY SIN, once repented, has been forgotten by God...He's forgiven you before its been committed, for Christ died, but it needs to be repented...Once that happens, that sin is as far away from you as the ocean floor and all is forgotten....
I wonder why its so hard to convince ourselves of that? Its definitely hard when its a re-occurring sin, but its basically as if we are spitting in God's face saying "Who do You think You are? You're not big enough to take this filth away" when we dwell in our guilt...I don't like doing that and I know that I'm a repeat offender of this.
So, I stand in awe of how a God, creator of everything, decided to love me so much, inspite of the filthy things I would do and gave up His PERFECT creation to take the fall for my wrongdoing. I am overwhelmed by His mercy. To think that all that I have done wrong is at the the bottom of the ocean, where it can not be seen...that He has forgotten it all...
Now, if only humans could be more like God...
*(God speaking)
I could have done without
All my selfish thought; all my pride
The things I hide You have forgot about
They are behind you
They'll never find you
They're on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They're on the bottom
They're out on the Ocean floor.*" -Audio adrenaline
Sometimes its hard to remember that EVERY SIN, once repented, has been forgotten by God...He's forgiven you before its been committed, for Christ died, but it needs to be repented...Once that happens, that sin is as far away from you as the ocean floor and all is forgotten....
I wonder why its so hard to convince ourselves of that? Its definitely hard when its a re-occurring sin, but its basically as if we are spitting in God's face saying "Who do You think You are? You're not big enough to take this filth away" when we dwell in our guilt...I don't like doing that and I know that I'm a repeat offender of this.
So, I stand in awe of how a God, creator of everything, decided to love me so much, inspite of the filthy things I would do and gave up His PERFECT creation to take the fall for my wrongdoing. I am overwhelmed by His mercy. To think that all that I have done wrong is at the the bottom of the ocean, where it can not be seen...that He has forgotten it all...
Now, if only humans could be more like God...
*(God speaking)
Monday, July 25, 2005
The Lord's Day
"Even the best fall down sometimes....Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow find you and I collide..."
-Howie Day
So yesterday was an awkward, yet amazing sort of day...Who ever thought those two would coincide with each other?
Started off with Church...which is a great way to start any day. Had a nice time with the Lord. Very good...very minor assumptions..so 10 points for Aubs! wohoo...then I was on my way to a trip of solitude to Concord for a family cookout...this could have resulted in a ton of stuff either good or bad...But I wasn't scared... then my speakers started freaking out and I got a little worried...
See, the thing is, only one of my speakers works correctly and sometimes another one likes to pretend it works and it lets out this ungodly scream...Whenever it does that, I take that as a sign from God that He wants to have a talk...so, not even 5 minutes onto 101, guess who interrupts me belting my heart out??? Yup, God wants to talk....so, normally I would have been fine, but lately I've been praying for "ears to hear"...so I figured this was my time to listen...see, I personally hate confrontation and I knew I was going to have to experience it today with my family because I was about to enter an "attack" sort of conversation with my Uncle Norm, whom is a Bahai Priest...so I had my work cut out for me...but the Lord had spared me at Christmas, so I knew I couldn't run anymore....God's and my talk went well, and I was entirely calm :)
The conversations with my Uncle went well...they weren't detailed and he didn't try to be tricky which was good...but I told him about how I'm going to be taking hermeneutics, and he assured me that he'll have a bunch of scripture waiting for me when I get home to help him understand...(sigh)
But that really had nothing to do with my emotional rollercoaster yesterday...Actually my emotional rollercoaster was really good, it was a good thing for me to experience because it came from positive stuff...
It stemmed from (for the real first time) experiencing good conversation with people on my Father's side of the family...I actually had a real conversation with my Father...he wasn't discouraging at all, didn't make scumbag comments and it was nice. We talked about family (My Aunt died yesterday and My Grandfather a year ago tomorrow). I learned that I may not even truly be a Bond...haha..that was interesting :)
But I think for the first time in my life, I had a real conversation with my Grammie...how sad is that? I'm almost 20 and I've never sat down and had a conversation with her. I'm closer to my friend's Grammie P. (see post "retraction 0f earlier today"). God really showed me that I have grown, because before I didn't have the patience for my Grandmother...but I was blessed to spend time with her yesterday...
We talked about the one thing that I dream of...Marriage
We were talking about my Grandfather and she told me of how they were married for 40 years! 40 years people...That's amazing...so I asked her what the secret was, what was the secret to staying together so long? What she had told me, I partially knew, but it just reinforced things I need to learn, apply and appreciate. We then got to talking about their relationship...For the first time I heard of how they met and the sweet things he would do for her, like every spring he would pick the first yellow rose off the bush and bring it to her and how he would always cut around the white daisies on the farm (they were her favorite), and he would bring her home one each day and how he never would apologize verbally for being wrong, but he would admit it and make her a bouquet whenever he was....She told me her secrets to keeping fights to a minimum and stories of how they grew old together and defeated the adversities they faced (they were 20 years apart)...and I just soaked it up...I got to tell her of my dreams and she loved it...My secret was that she didn't know how much I'm longing for it...They were married for 40 years and they loved each other just as much the day he died as the day that they met...I hope to find that. I know whomever I marry, that is how it will be. I really do, because I won't settle.
Anyway...After I had talked with my cousin Beth-Ann for awhile and said my goodbyes, I went to the mall up there and as I was walking out of it, it hit me how lonely I felt...I don't know if I had been that lonely before, it reminded me of first semester...just from everything my Grandmother and I had talked about and my "monthly bill" and other stuff...it hit me like a ton of bricks..it was okay, just sad...so I get into the car and try to ignore it...
Guess who starts screaming?...Apparently God still wanted to talk...
I just sat in silence the whole hour ride home and when I started "talking" about everything, it hit like a wave...I felt so guilty for never sitting down and talking to my Grandfather...I never took the time to hear stories or tell him how much I really loved him. Honestly, I and others know that I was his favorite and I just miss him real bad. I felt so bad for never having patience for my Grandmother before and realized how much I really do love her. I felt so bad for her, because I thought about how she was with him for 40 years and then she lost him. How lonely must she be? That is when I truly knew that I would want to live out the quote "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" (again). Thinking about that I realized how much I was longing for someone..and no, not exactly anyone in particular, but as funny as it sounds, I was longing for my other half that I don't even have yet... I was so thankful that God let me experience this.
He confirmed for me what my true hearts desires are. He showed me how much I truly love my family and how much they love me. He showed me that relationships can never be just one sided. That He not only uses people in my life, but He uses me in others'. He showed me that I should use the resources that He's placed in my life while I have them. He showed me that He's not the kind of God who will give me hungers and passions only to tease me with them...that somehow, some way (which I don't know yet) He will fulfill those, for as I've been growing closer to Him, my desires have become what He has desired for me all along.
So, even though there was guilt, there was sadness, loneliness, longing and fear, it all stemmed from something good. It was what I needed. It helped things be brought into the light.
I think yesterday I grew more than I ever have.
-Howie Day
So yesterday was an awkward, yet amazing sort of day...Who ever thought those two would coincide with each other?
Started off with Church...which is a great way to start any day. Had a nice time with the Lord. Very good...very minor assumptions..so 10 points for Aubs! wohoo...then I was on my way to a trip of solitude to Concord for a family cookout...this could have resulted in a ton of stuff either good or bad...But I wasn't scared... then my speakers started freaking out and I got a little worried...
See, the thing is, only one of my speakers works correctly and sometimes another one likes to pretend it works and it lets out this ungodly scream...Whenever it does that, I take that as a sign from God that He wants to have a talk...so, not even 5 minutes onto 101, guess who interrupts me belting my heart out??? Yup, God wants to talk....so, normally I would have been fine, but lately I've been praying for "ears to hear"...so I figured this was my time to listen...see, I personally hate confrontation and I knew I was going to have to experience it today with my family because I was about to enter an "attack" sort of conversation with my Uncle Norm, whom is a Bahai Priest...so I had my work cut out for me...but the Lord had spared me at Christmas, so I knew I couldn't run anymore....God's and my talk went well, and I was entirely calm :)
The conversations with my Uncle went well...they weren't detailed and he didn't try to be tricky which was good...but I told him about how I'm going to be taking hermeneutics, and he assured me that he'll have a bunch of scripture waiting for me when I get home to help him understand...(sigh)
But that really had nothing to do with my emotional rollercoaster yesterday...Actually my emotional rollercoaster was really good, it was a good thing for me to experience because it came from positive stuff...
It stemmed from (for the real first time) experiencing good conversation with people on my Father's side of the family...I actually had a real conversation with my Father...he wasn't discouraging at all, didn't make scumbag comments and it was nice. We talked about family (My Aunt died yesterday and My Grandfather a year ago tomorrow). I learned that I may not even truly be a Bond...haha..that was interesting :)
But I think for the first time in my life, I had a real conversation with my Grammie...how sad is that? I'm almost 20 and I've never sat down and had a conversation with her. I'm closer to my friend's Grammie P. (see post "retraction 0f earlier today"). God really showed me that I have grown, because before I didn't have the patience for my Grandmother...but I was blessed to spend time with her yesterday...
We talked about the one thing that I dream of...Marriage
We were talking about my Grandfather and she told me of how they were married for 40 years! 40 years people...That's amazing...so I asked her what the secret was, what was the secret to staying together so long? What she had told me, I partially knew, but it just reinforced things I need to learn, apply and appreciate. We then got to talking about their relationship...For the first time I heard of how they met and the sweet things he would do for her, like every spring he would pick the first yellow rose off the bush and bring it to her and how he would always cut around the white daisies on the farm (they were her favorite), and he would bring her home one each day and how he never would apologize verbally for being wrong, but he would admit it and make her a bouquet whenever he was....She told me her secrets to keeping fights to a minimum and stories of how they grew old together and defeated the adversities they faced (they were 20 years apart)...and I just soaked it up...I got to tell her of my dreams and she loved it...My secret was that she didn't know how much I'm longing for it...They were married for 40 years and they loved each other just as much the day he died as the day that they met...I hope to find that. I know whomever I marry, that is how it will be. I really do, because I won't settle.
Anyway...After I had talked with my cousin Beth-Ann for awhile and said my goodbyes, I went to the mall up there and as I was walking out of it, it hit me how lonely I felt...I don't know if I had been that lonely before, it reminded me of first semester...just from everything my Grandmother and I had talked about and my "monthly bill" and other stuff...it hit me like a ton of bricks..it was okay, just sad...so I get into the car and try to ignore it...
Guess who starts screaming?...Apparently God still wanted to talk...
I just sat in silence the whole hour ride home and when I started "talking" about everything, it hit like a wave...I felt so guilty for never sitting down and talking to my Grandfather...I never took the time to hear stories or tell him how much I really loved him. Honestly, I and others know that I was his favorite and I just miss him real bad. I felt so bad for never having patience for my Grandmother before and realized how much I really do love her. I felt so bad for her, because I thought about how she was with him for 40 years and then she lost him. How lonely must she be? That is when I truly knew that I would want to live out the quote "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" (again). Thinking about that I realized how much I was longing for someone..and no, not exactly anyone in particular, but as funny as it sounds, I was longing for my other half that I don't even have yet... I was so thankful that God let me experience this.
He confirmed for me what my true hearts desires are. He showed me how much I truly love my family and how much they love me. He showed me that relationships can never be just one sided. That He not only uses people in my life, but He uses me in others'. He showed me that I should use the resources that He's placed in my life while I have them. He showed me that He's not the kind of God who will give me hungers and passions only to tease me with them...that somehow, some way (which I don't know yet) He will fulfill those, for as I've been growing closer to Him, my desires have become what He has desired for me all along.
So, even though there was guilt, there was sadness, loneliness, longing and fear, it all stemmed from something good. It was what I needed. It helped things be brought into the light.
I think yesterday I grew more than I ever have.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
God's Reminder
" I feel revived again, I am alive again...I want the world to know I burn for You."
-Toby Mac
Doesn't matter what the case...
It is well with my soul! :)
Isn't My God amazing???
-Toby Mac
Doesn't matter what the case...
It is well with my soul! :)
Isn't My God amazing???
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Lessons in Strength
"The reason why I stand, the answer lies in You ...You hung to make me strong"
-Jeremy Camp
-Jeremy Camp
What could make this get any worse?
Please Lord, don't answer that question...
To all you people in Cyber-Space, please pray for me...struggles, sadness, worries including being homeless and having to drop out of school...not cool..I have nowhere to go...I don't need this too..Pray, that's all I ask...
Lord, I don't know the reasons, but maybe You still want to teach me more at the moment..if that is the case, bring it on..."I can do everything through Christ, who gives me Strength." -Philippians 4:13
It is only Your strength that I'm surviving on...
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Retraction of earlier today
"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
- Psalm 94:19
- Psalm 94:19
So, my night was much better than my morning....
I went and spent a little "alone time" in Salem...I went to Barnes & Noble and checked out some books that I've been wanting to read...One, I've read before and I'll buy online, cuz its cheaper and I can't spend money right now the other two I'm considering getting in the future: What Christians Belive, By C.S. Lewis and Blue Like Jazz, by some dude! lol
It was nice to be alone and sit in a little comfy corner and read...I decided that I want to read more, that's on my list of goals for myself...Then I decided to get some coffee at Starbucks (YUCK)..and perhaps a little snack:) and was on my way...
As I was driving home, I decided to visit a friend of mine..in fact, I believe she must be one of the most amazing women that I've ever met. I didn't know that I could care so much for a friend the way I do for her. In fact, I get choked up just thinking of her...She holds a special place in my heart.
Anyway...I drove to her house and we watched the news for a bit and then she decided to take me for a ride...She took me to an amazing, beautiful and peaceful place that she likes to go to often. We walked around for awhile and just took in the calmness of the sea breaze and the architecture of the stone streets... Her company and my surroundings just comforted me and I was filled with joy...This is why I chose this passage.
Later on as we were driving back, She had a mad craving for an ice cream cone and made me get one too, (yeah, twist my arm..)...She was so funny when she saw the beast of an ice cream the boy gave us...She decided that from now on she should listen to me when I warn her!...
It was so nice to just laugh and create a bond with her..well with anyone really, but she's special... There is this unspoken bond and understanding between us..its weird really, but in a good way...A lot of it has to do with the fact that she has not once passed judgement on me... she doesn't even understand why things are the way they are...in fact she doesnt want to know...I like that about her. She loves me just the same when she doesnt even have to...I am so grateful.
So, in closing...I thank You Lord for Your comfort. For bringing and keeping certain people in my life when I don't deserve one bit of it. For letting me experience Joy at times...You are amazing. Thank You for letting me smile today, You didn't have to Lord...but for some reason, You did :)
I don't think my smile will fade :)
Re-Opened Scars
"Life is not what I thought it was... and I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago, still I'm singing, Spirit take me up in arms with You."
-Switchfoot
Well Lord,
I suppose I'm not done walking through this fire/valley am I?
As much as I want to say "No way, I'm not going through this crap again"...I will shut my mouth and turn to You. I trust that You have what is best for me in Your hands and that You will create beauty from these ashes.
Thankyou for using whatever it took to recheck my focus! It is only on You.
-Me
-Switchfoot
Well Lord,
I suppose I'm not done walking through this fire/valley am I?
As much as I want to say "No way, I'm not going through this crap again"...I will shut my mouth and turn to You. I trust that You have what is best for me in Your hands and that You will create beauty from these ashes.
Thankyou for using whatever it took to recheck my focus! It is only on You.
-Me
Sunday, July 03, 2005
The Wheels Are In Overdrive
"Pain is God's Megaphone."
-C.S. Lewis
There are quite a few things about me that still need work...but that's the thing, they're being worked on...and not alone...
Lord,
A lot of confusion in everyday life... Its like I don't even feel like I can come here and write out stuff for it to be misread which could lead to only You know what...I don't know... That's the thing, I don't even know if I could write everything out, not sure it would make so much sense.
Feeling so many things at one time is awkward..in fact, its pretty annoying. At moments I could feel like a jerk, another I could feel on top of the world. Its weird. But its not depressing, glad I'm out of that stage...phew!
Things are still effecting my body...I thought that was gone since I decided to shut it all out, but nope...I confused myself and thought I was a leaf today...also my stomach felt like I had drank a whole pot of coffee on an empty stomach...not so fun.
Its weird, cuz I've been inbetween for the past couple of days. I'm definitely not depressed and I am doing great, but I'm kinda stuck in a "everything fades together" state. hmmm??
...Even though I'm feeling awkward, I guess that's the best word to use, Its nice to be refreshed with Your words...to be reminded of Your promises and to reflect on all that You and only You have brought me through...Never thought I, of all people, would say this, but I do not want a speedy recovery...I want to soak up every moment so that I know how to be more like my Savior, my shield, my heart, Jesus Christ.
It truly is enjoyable when things are revealed when taking the stepping stones of growth. And I'm growing so much...Its really exciting to know I am that much closer to You every moment...Exciting to know that I'm in Your will...Exciting to know that there's a reason for all of this...and one of the most amazing parts of it is that I am entirely focused on having the most healthy relationship with You. Finally getting my priorities straight because now I know the things I can and cannot do unless You and I are healthy and I'm in step with the Spirit..Nice to not be consumed with worldly junk...Almost peaceful.. I can't say thankyou enough...just seems pointless...but know that I'm completely appreciative..I wouldn't have this any other way!
Who'da thought?
Thank You for the amazing weekend I was able to have with friends and for the little blessings You've given as confirmation that I'm doing the right things..Thank You for Your wisdom, will, strength and mercy...I am so thankful that I can rest in Your arms...that You are willing to lift me up again each time I fall so short...Hmm...What could be greater?
-Amen
-C.S. Lewis
There are quite a few things about me that still need work...but that's the thing, they're being worked on...and not alone...
Lord,
A lot of confusion in everyday life... Its like I don't even feel like I can come here and write out stuff for it to be misread which could lead to only You know what...I don't know... That's the thing, I don't even know if I could write everything out, not sure it would make so much sense.
Feeling so many things at one time is awkward..in fact, its pretty annoying. At moments I could feel like a jerk, another I could feel on top of the world. Its weird. But its not depressing, glad I'm out of that stage...phew!
Things are still effecting my body...I thought that was gone since I decided to shut it all out, but nope...I confused myself and thought I was a leaf today...also my stomach felt like I had drank a whole pot of coffee on an empty stomach...not so fun.
Its weird, cuz I've been inbetween for the past couple of days. I'm definitely not depressed and I am doing great, but I'm kinda stuck in a "everything fades together" state. hmmm??
...Even though I'm feeling awkward, I guess that's the best word to use, Its nice to be refreshed with Your words...to be reminded of Your promises and to reflect on all that You and only You have brought me through...Never thought I, of all people, would say this, but I do not want a speedy recovery...I want to soak up every moment so that I know how to be more like my Savior, my shield, my heart, Jesus Christ.
It truly is enjoyable when things are revealed when taking the stepping stones of growth. And I'm growing so much...Its really exciting to know I am that much closer to You every moment...Exciting to know that I'm in Your will...Exciting to know that there's a reason for all of this...and one of the most amazing parts of it is that I am entirely focused on having the most healthy relationship with You. Finally getting my priorities straight because now I know the things I can and cannot do unless You and I are healthy and I'm in step with the Spirit..Nice to not be consumed with worldly junk...Almost peaceful.. I can't say thankyou enough...just seems pointless...but know that I'm completely appreciative..I wouldn't have this any other way!
Who'da thought?
Thank You for the amazing weekend I was able to have with friends and for the little blessings You've given as confirmation that I'm doing the right things..Thank You for Your wisdom, will, strength and mercy...I am so thankful that I can rest in Your arms...that You are willing to lift me up again each time I fall so short...Hmm...What could be greater?
-Amen
Monday, June 27, 2005
The Reasons For My Weightless Heart
"Don't listen to everyone else...You're the one who will have to live with the consequences."
I'll tell you flat out It hurts so much to think of this... So from my thoughts I will exclude. The very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods...
I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships. I've thrown away so many things that could have been much more. I've thrown away the secret to find the end to this.. and I just pray my problems will go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works...
When I go down, I go down hard... and I take everything I've learned and teach myself some disregard. When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom and of the things that got me there I think: if only I had fought them? Any control I thought I had just slipped through my hands, while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me. Then and there I confess I'll blame all this on my selfishness...
Yet You love me and that consumes me, I'll stand up again & do so willingly. You give me hope, and hope it gives me life. You touch my heavy heart, and when you do You make it light. As I exhale I hear Your voice and I answer You, though I hardly make a noise. From my lips the words I choose to say seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise, cause I love You Oh God...I love You.
life is now worth living... if only because of You and when they say that I am dead and gone it won't be further from the truth.
When I go down, I will lift my eyes to You. I won't look very far, cause You'll be there with open arms to lift me up again...ThankYou
I'll tell you flat out It hurts so much to think of this... So from my thoughts I will exclude. The very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods...
I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships. I've thrown away so many things that could have been much more. I've thrown away the secret to find the end to this.. and I just pray my problems will go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works...
When I go down, I go down hard... and I take everything I've learned and teach myself some disregard. When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom and of the things that got me there I think: if only I had fought them? Any control I thought I had just slipped through my hands, while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me. Then and there I confess I'll blame all this on my selfishness...
Yet You love me and that consumes me, I'll stand up again & do so willingly. You give me hope, and hope it gives me life. You touch my heavy heart, and when you do You make it light. As I exhale I hear Your voice and I answer You, though I hardly make a noise. From my lips the words I choose to say seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise, cause I love You Oh God...I love You.
life is now worth living... if only because of You and when they say that I am dead and gone it won't be further from the truth.
When I go down, I will lift my eyes to You. I won't look very far, cause You'll be there with open arms to lift me up again...ThankYou
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Which to bury, Us or the Hatchet?
I find it so upsetting that the memories that you select, you keep the bad but the good you just forget.
And even though I'm angry I can still say, I know my heart broke the day that you peeled out and drove away. I can't believe this happened.
And all this time I never thought, that all we had would be all for not....
No, I don't hate you. I don't want to fight you. Know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you, cause you took this too far...
Make your decision and don't you dare think twice. Go with your instincs along with some bad advice. This didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all. You blame me but some of this is still your fault...
I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge. I tried to hold your hand, but you'd rather hold your grudge. I think you know what I'm getting at...You said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that...
And wisdom always chooses the black eyes and these bruises over the heartache that they say never completely goes away.
I just can't believe this happened...one day we'll see this come around...
What happened to us? I heard that its me we should blame. What happened to us? Why didn't you stop me from turning out this way?
And know that I don't hate you. And know that I don't want to fight you. And know that I'll always love you, but right now I just don't...
And even though I'm angry I can still say, I know my heart broke the day that you peeled out and drove away. I can't believe this happened.
And all this time I never thought, that all we had would be all for not....
No, I don't hate you. I don't want to fight you. Know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you, cause you took this too far...
Make your decision and don't you dare think twice. Go with your instincs along with some bad advice. This didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all. You blame me but some of this is still your fault...
I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge. I tried to hold your hand, but you'd rather hold your grudge. I think you know what I'm getting at...You said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that...
And wisdom always chooses the black eyes and these bruises over the heartache that they say never completely goes away.
I just can't believe this happened...one day we'll see this come around...
What happened to us? I heard that its me we should blame. What happened to us? Why didn't you stop me from turning out this way?
And know that I don't hate you. And know that I don't want to fight you. And know that I'll always love you, but right now I just don't...
Monday, May 30, 2005
Was Blind but Now I See
"The Beauty of Grace is that it Makes Life Not Fair" -Matthew Thiessen
How true is that?? I'm so thankful that God's Grace makes life unfair. We deserve a whole lot more than what we're getting...and I don't mean good stuff. He's definitely not withholding anything good from us, He's withholding all the bad. Thank You Father.
Today I learned the true meaning of the phrase "Love is Blind". Well, I guess I knew it, but I never fully lived out the phrase... now I have.
Love isn't only blind to the characteristics of the person you love, but I realized that it blinds you to thinking certain circumstances would fade out and go away over time....but the way this whole thing is disfunctionally wired up, there is no way those things would ever go away and I can't believe that I let love blind me so completely to that.
If I actually sit down and think about those things now, because I'm not blinded anymore, its complete idiocy. Completely foolish. What the heck was I thinking?? Atleast now, I know for sure that I was in love...
Its just nuts to me when I think about it now. To think I was so blinded, blinded enough to go through 10 people's share of pain and now I see how I could have completely avoided it. I was so naive to think those things would fade out...
Silly Me...
Lord, thank You for unveiling my eyes...
How true is that?? I'm so thankful that God's Grace makes life unfair. We deserve a whole lot more than what we're getting...and I don't mean good stuff. He's definitely not withholding anything good from us, He's withholding all the bad. Thank You Father.
Today I learned the true meaning of the phrase "Love is Blind". Well, I guess I knew it, but I never fully lived out the phrase... now I have.
Love isn't only blind to the characteristics of the person you love, but I realized that it blinds you to thinking certain circumstances would fade out and go away over time....but the way this whole thing is disfunctionally wired up, there is no way those things would ever go away and I can't believe that I let love blind me so completely to that.
If I actually sit down and think about those things now, because I'm not blinded anymore, its complete idiocy. Completely foolish. What the heck was I thinking?? Atleast now, I know for sure that I was in love...
Its just nuts to me when I think about it now. To think I was so blinded, blinded enough to go through 10 people's share of pain and now I see how I could have completely avoided it. I was so naive to think those things would fade out...
Silly Me...
Lord, thank You for unveiling my eyes...
Monday, May 23, 2005
Oh Inconsistent Me
I want to run away, I want to ditch my life cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night...
You might think I'm losing my mind, but I will shy away from the specifics cause I dont want you to know where I am because then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life.
I'm sorry for the person I became. I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
I'm sorry it's taking me so long to change
Cause who I am hates who I've been.. I hate who I've been.
I talk to absolutely no one, couldn't keep to myself enough & the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure.
If my heart says I'm sorry, can we leave it at that? Because I just want for all of this to end.
I wonder why it always has to hurt for every lesson that you have to learn...
You might think I'm losing my mind, but I will shy away from the specifics cause I dont want you to know where I am because then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life.
I'm sorry for the person I became. I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
I'm sorry it's taking me so long to change
Cause who I am hates who I've been.. I hate who I've been.
I talk to absolutely no one, couldn't keep to myself enough & the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure.
If my heart says I'm sorry, can we leave it at that? Because I just want for all of this to end.
I wonder why it always has to hurt for every lesson that you have to learn...
Friday, May 06, 2005
Replacing Faults with Grace
" ..Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing and perfect will of God." Romans 12:2
I am so thankful that God wants to show me His will. Sometimes I forget that He has a plan for me. I forget that I'm not just existing here, I'm here for a reason. When I do remember, I get excited knowing that I can look forward to what is laid in the path ahead of me. Even though I have no clue what it is, except that it is what is best for me.
I used to believe I knew what God's will for me was. Now, I'm not so sure. It's not that I doubt it, because I still hope for what I once believed. But I think because of things that have happened, God doesn't want me to know for sure anymore, because then I will cling to it so tight and not cling to Him.
It's hard sometimes having to second guess everything I once believed, especially when I don't want to. But that is a huge part in taking the steps toward trusting God. If you knew me, you'd be amazed at how much I have let go of worrying of details. Yes, every once in awhile stuff will pop up so that I may worry, but I am able to identify it now and stop it before it builds up into something where I work my self up for nothing, or something that is so ridiculous it means nothing in the big scheme of things. I think I'm even beginning to amaze myself! (riight)
I'm grateful that I am able to take more things as out of love rather than stabs or attacks. I have been praying that God would grant me discernment and would reveal my faults and areas that need working on and that is exactly what He has been doing.
God has been using people to reveal my faults to me also. I am so thankful that He is using someone I value immensely to help in the process of getting me healthy. He has used this person to help pull the bad stuff out of me and put it in front of my face. They are things I never would have seen before. When they help me see those things and I realize it is out of love, I think of it and then get excited, because that is another area that I see God wanting me to remove from me and fill that space with Himself! How cool is my God?
Majesty,
You are amazing and I am so thankful that you have saved me from my sins. That you have not given up on me and are willing to show me how to be more like You. Thank You for being a God of another chance, not just a second chance. Thank for placing people in my life who can help reflect a portion of Your great love for me. I pray that I am able to reveal the same. Thankyou that You are all that I need and with You, I never have to worry.
~Amen
I am so thankful that God wants to show me His will. Sometimes I forget that He has a plan for me. I forget that I'm not just existing here, I'm here for a reason. When I do remember, I get excited knowing that I can look forward to what is laid in the path ahead of me. Even though I have no clue what it is, except that it is what is best for me.
I used to believe I knew what God's will for me was. Now, I'm not so sure. It's not that I doubt it, because I still hope for what I once believed. But I think because of things that have happened, God doesn't want me to know for sure anymore, because then I will cling to it so tight and not cling to Him.
It's hard sometimes having to second guess everything I once believed, especially when I don't want to. But that is a huge part in taking the steps toward trusting God. If you knew me, you'd be amazed at how much I have let go of worrying of details. Yes, every once in awhile stuff will pop up so that I may worry, but I am able to identify it now and stop it before it builds up into something where I work my self up for nothing, or something that is so ridiculous it means nothing in the big scheme of things. I think I'm even beginning to amaze myself! (riight)
I'm grateful that I am able to take more things as out of love rather than stabs or attacks. I have been praying that God would grant me discernment and would reveal my faults and areas that need working on and that is exactly what He has been doing.
God has been using people to reveal my faults to me also. I am so thankful that He is using someone I value immensely to help in the process of getting me healthy. He has used this person to help pull the bad stuff out of me and put it in front of my face. They are things I never would have seen before. When they help me see those things and I realize it is out of love, I think of it and then get excited, because that is another area that I see God wanting me to remove from me and fill that space with Himself! How cool is my God?
Majesty,
You are amazing and I am so thankful that you have saved me from my sins. That you have not given up on me and are willing to show me how to be more like You. Thank You for being a God of another chance, not just a second chance. Thank for placing people in my life who can help reflect a portion of Your great love for me. I pray that I am able to reveal the same. Thankyou that You are all that I need and with You, I never have to worry.
~Amen
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Tears of Frustration and Growth
"God has not promised to deliver us from trouble, but He has promised to go with us through the trouble"(Ps 23:4)
-Billy Graham
Abba,
You are my rock, yet why do I feel weak? How is it that the actions or lack of actions of others can harden my heart so much? That it can bring out this attitude in me that I know isn't who I really am?
I started off today okay...But then things got worse. Is it better to false worship or give no worship at all? You heard my prayers in church. I needed You to soften my heart fast because I wanted to praise you, but I would not move my mouth to those words until my heart was right....Then when I thought it wasn't going to change, You gave me that song! I felt You, for the first time in a couple days. You were there and I had to praise You! I didn't care who was around...I thank You for that.
But these same prayers I ask for again. My heart has started to harden again. My head is filled with this frustration and anger, all because of what I believe was a stab and I perceived as attitude.
There are also other things that have been bugging me. They both think I'm so quiet and they think its because I'm ticked off or something. I don't become ticked off until they start asking questions and fail to realize that it comes off as an attack. All I'm doing is people watching or thinking or just gaining peace. Then the questions (sometimes with attitude attached), start rolling in and they get ticked off when I don't give them a good answer.
They also complain about how I don't join the conversation. 1st, It always is presented as a one-on-one conversation, so I just listen, but then I always feel like I'm eavesdropping, so then I just pay attention to my own thing. Also, if they are having a conversation and I want to put my two sense in, there is just complete attitude written all over her face. Its like I'm bothering her for sharing my opinion, for interrupting the conversation and if it isn't the same opinion as hers, she is quick to correct me. So this is why I keep my mouth shut.
I'm so sorry for writing out my anger, but it is the only way I could handle it properly. By me writing it, there is no room for others to get hurt or angry, and I know that I wouldn't have caused it.
Lord, help me have patience. I always feel that I am to blame or the only one who needs to fix things. If that isn't true, altar my view. Help me to be satisfied with what I've been handed. Help me to focus on what is being done, not on what else could be done. Use me to help comfort others. Continue to soften my heart and practice humility. I want your plan of sanctification.
I apologize for my sins and my evil nature. Thank you for seeing the depths of my heart and continuing to love me! You are absolutely amazing and I don't understand how I could ever doubt You. Thankyou for Your comfort and grace.
-Billy Graham
Abba,
You are my rock, yet why do I feel weak? How is it that the actions or lack of actions of others can harden my heart so much? That it can bring out this attitude in me that I know isn't who I really am?
I started off today okay...But then things got worse. Is it better to false worship or give no worship at all? You heard my prayers in church. I needed You to soften my heart fast because I wanted to praise you, but I would not move my mouth to those words until my heart was right....Then when I thought it wasn't going to change, You gave me that song! I felt You, for the first time in a couple days. You were there and I had to praise You! I didn't care who was around...I thank You for that.
But these same prayers I ask for again. My heart has started to harden again. My head is filled with this frustration and anger, all because of what I believe was a stab and I perceived as attitude.
There are also other things that have been bugging me. They both think I'm so quiet and they think its because I'm ticked off or something. I don't become ticked off until they start asking questions and fail to realize that it comes off as an attack. All I'm doing is people watching or thinking or just gaining peace. Then the questions (sometimes with attitude attached), start rolling in and they get ticked off when I don't give them a good answer.
They also complain about how I don't join the conversation. 1st, It always is presented as a one-on-one conversation, so I just listen, but then I always feel like I'm eavesdropping, so then I just pay attention to my own thing. Also, if they are having a conversation and I want to put my two sense in, there is just complete attitude written all over her face. Its like I'm bothering her for sharing my opinion, for interrupting the conversation and if it isn't the same opinion as hers, she is quick to correct me. So this is why I keep my mouth shut.
I'm so sorry for writing out my anger, but it is the only way I could handle it properly. By me writing it, there is no room for others to get hurt or angry, and I know that I wouldn't have caused it.
Lord, help me have patience. I always feel that I am to blame or the only one who needs to fix things. If that isn't true, altar my view. Help me to be satisfied with what I've been handed. Help me to focus on what is being done, not on what else could be done. Use me to help comfort others. Continue to soften my heart and practice humility. I want your plan of sanctification.
I apologize for my sins and my evil nature. Thank you for seeing the depths of my heart and continuing to love me! You are absolutely amazing and I don't understand how I could ever doubt You. Thankyou for Your comfort and grace.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Pure White
"The whiter the gown, the happier the husband"
-Robertson McQuilken
Bascially the more pure and righteous the gown of the bride (us) the happier the husband (God) will be...
I want to make my gown more pure and white than it has ever been...
Also I think this can apply to our husbands we marry here on earth...I think that they will appreciate the fact that we have left our gowns the brightest of whites just for them.
God will bless that.
-Robertson McQuilken
Bascially the more pure and righteous the gown of the bride (us) the happier the husband (God) will be...
I want to make my gown more pure and white than it has ever been...
Also I think this can apply to our husbands we marry here on earth...I think that they will appreciate the fact that we have left our gowns the brightest of whites just for them.
God will bless that.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Triumph Over Trial
"I give You thanks, O Lord, with all my heart; I will sing Your praises...I will give thanks to Your name for Your unfailing love and faithfulness, because Your promises are backed by all the honor of Your name. When I pray You answer me; You encourage me by giving me the strength I need. ..Though the Lord is great, He cares for the humble, but He keeps from the proud. Though I am surrounded by troubles, You will preserve me...The Lord will work out his plan for my life-
For Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever."
- Psalm 138: 1-3,6-8
Phew, what a day huh?
I spent most of my day running around like a chicken with my head cut off with too many things to do and I started to freak out...I was stressing so bad. I just wanted to be by myself without having to concentrate on anything else but relaxing and gaining peace... Then I went to babysitting...
Babysitting was a nightmare. The boy was a complete turd, he peed everywhere and then the girl started playing with her nasty diaper and then she threw up...all while the mom was still there, I wanted to die...I felt so horrible and then to add this situation on top and the mom being stressed out, I lost it....
After I walked out of the house, I got into the truck and just started crying...I cried all the way home. One thing I did do though which I wouldn't normally do: I talked to God during that drive home. I called out, told Him I needed Him, asked Him to sort out the thoughts running through my head. That was nice to run to Him first. Because I did that and got comfort, I felt afterward that it was okay to seek comfort from friends.
That went okay, but not as well as I had hoped, not as well as it used to. I will be honest in saying that part of the reason why I was crying on the drive home was because of a feeling I'm really not even allowed to verbalize.
The main thing was that I thought I didn't miss this person much, I mean of course I did, but I haven't been devastated and completely falling apart and from what little I have been able to gather, this seems like a cake walk for them, so I thought maybe it wasn't a big deal, but during the drive it totally sideswiped me and I thought...
"Hello, McFly, OF COURSE YOU MISS THEM." I miss my friend a lot, a whole lot and I didn't realize how much it has hurt that I can't express that, but as much as it hurts, I understand why...
so that added on to my emotional spat..but this was a different spat and a different miss...It was and is a healthy type of missing my friend and I know that its okay because of how I handled the situation...
So, later on tonight, other things went down...not some so friendly things...but I went to my room and prayed and brought the situation to God right away...I was completely calm and just talked with Him. I realized that there were some things in that situation I completely should not have done and apologized. I assumed the worst and told God I was prepared to handle that, with His help, if that was what was going to happen. I then immediately apologized to the person I had wronged and they did the same.
God is totally amazing, because if this were a couple of months ago or even a week ago, that never would have happened. We both would have stewed in our rooms and waited for our other friend to force us to sort it out, (which is completely wrong and I am trying to work on that). We would have had complete bitterness in our hearts. I for one can say that even after tonight, I have none whatsoever towards them. I am so thankful that God is working in each of us. It was so great to see how God is molding them and to see the spiritual growth in them tonight. That is so awesome!
So...now I'm here, relaxing and calm, getting out all of the junk of my day and looking forward to another day of working on my relationship with God and finding happiness. I'm excited that I have found how to receive that happiness which is through having true friendship and fellowship with God. That is the only way that I will ever find true peace and that friendship and fellowship is exactly what I am striving to establish.
For Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever."
- Psalm 138: 1-3,6-8
Phew, what a day huh?
I spent most of my day running around like a chicken with my head cut off with too many things to do and I started to freak out...I was stressing so bad. I just wanted to be by myself without having to concentrate on anything else but relaxing and gaining peace... Then I went to babysitting...
Babysitting was a nightmare. The boy was a complete turd, he peed everywhere and then the girl started playing with her nasty diaper and then she threw up...all while the mom was still there, I wanted to die...I felt so horrible and then to add this situation on top and the mom being stressed out, I lost it....
After I walked out of the house, I got into the truck and just started crying...I cried all the way home. One thing I did do though which I wouldn't normally do: I talked to God during that drive home. I called out, told Him I needed Him, asked Him to sort out the thoughts running through my head. That was nice to run to Him first. Because I did that and got comfort, I felt afterward that it was okay to seek comfort from friends.
That went okay, but not as well as I had hoped, not as well as it used to. I will be honest in saying that part of the reason why I was crying on the drive home was because of a feeling I'm really not even allowed to verbalize.
The main thing was that I thought I didn't miss this person much, I mean of course I did, but I haven't been devastated and completely falling apart and from what little I have been able to gather, this seems like a cake walk for them, so I thought maybe it wasn't a big deal, but during the drive it totally sideswiped me and I thought...
"Hello, McFly, OF COURSE YOU MISS THEM." I miss my friend a lot, a whole lot and I didn't realize how much it has hurt that I can't express that, but as much as it hurts, I understand why...
so that added on to my emotional spat..but this was a different spat and a different miss...It was and is a healthy type of missing my friend and I know that its okay because of how I handled the situation...
So, later on tonight, other things went down...not some so friendly things...but I went to my room and prayed and brought the situation to God right away...I was completely calm and just talked with Him. I realized that there were some things in that situation I completely should not have done and apologized. I assumed the worst and told God I was prepared to handle that, with His help, if that was what was going to happen. I then immediately apologized to the person I had wronged and they did the same.
God is totally amazing, because if this were a couple of months ago or even a week ago, that never would have happened. We both would have stewed in our rooms and waited for our other friend to force us to sort it out, (which is completely wrong and I am trying to work on that). We would have had complete bitterness in our hearts. I for one can say that even after tonight, I have none whatsoever towards them. I am so thankful that God is working in each of us. It was so great to see how God is molding them and to see the spiritual growth in them tonight. That is so awesome!
So...now I'm here, relaxing and calm, getting out all of the junk of my day and looking forward to another day of working on my relationship with God and finding happiness. I'm excited that I have found how to receive that happiness which is through having true friendship and fellowship with God. That is the only way that I will ever find true peace and that friendship and fellowship is exactly what I am striving to establish.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Soul of Joy
"For the Lord God is our light and protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will the lord withhold from those who do what is right. O Lord Almighty, happy are those who trust in You." Psalm 84:11-12
I am so thankful for today.
So thankful for yesterday. Boundaries were set up and they are severe. I may not agree with all of them, but I respect the fact that they were set up and I respect who they were set up by. I understand why and I am so thankful that they have enough respect for myself and themselves to set them up. In my heart of hearts, I know its best. Even though at first it hurt to hear what I heard yesterday, it caused me to write out questions I had about myself, my situation and my situation with God. I just poured out all that I had to the Lord.
I have felt a release of grief. Today has been so amazing. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Nothing could have brought me down today & there was definitely opportunity. The sad part is that I wish I could have shared it with certain people, but in part I did, because I kept them joyfully in my prayers throughout the day.
That is just the thing, my soul felt absolute joy in the Lord today. I haven't necessarily actually felt that before.
I was able to have an amazing talk with an acquaintance of mine tonight. It has been on my heart to speak with him for awhile, at first I didn't know why, but then I was informed of his situation. It felt so nice to sit down and share with him what was going on without actually telling him anything. So great to identify with him completely without feeling guilty about sharing details. Details weren't needed, we could see that our situations were similar by the struggles we have been going through and the things we believe that God has shown us in our separate situations. Things were so similar, it encouraged me and gave me hope. I felt like it was completely given by God. Huge confirmation for me there.
Its only been a day and the Lord is working so much!
I see myself getting to certain points along the path I have been traveling that I have been trying to reach for so long. I'm not completely there obviously, its only been a day, but now they seem visible and not so far from my reach anymore. I am so thankful to God for that.
I am so thankful that He has washed my sins away and showing me that my sorrow and repentance was genuine enough for Him. Sin has obviously taken a hold of my life and I am not strong enough to overcome it.
Lord, only Your love is great enough to overcome my sin. I need that. I need You and Only You. You are to be my passion!
I am so thankful for today.
So thankful for yesterday. Boundaries were set up and they are severe. I may not agree with all of them, but I respect the fact that they were set up and I respect who they were set up by. I understand why and I am so thankful that they have enough respect for myself and themselves to set them up. In my heart of hearts, I know its best. Even though at first it hurt to hear what I heard yesterday, it caused me to write out questions I had about myself, my situation and my situation with God. I just poured out all that I had to the Lord.
I have felt a release of grief. Today has been so amazing. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Nothing could have brought me down today & there was definitely opportunity. The sad part is that I wish I could have shared it with certain people, but in part I did, because I kept them joyfully in my prayers throughout the day.
That is just the thing, my soul felt absolute joy in the Lord today. I haven't necessarily actually felt that before.
I was able to have an amazing talk with an acquaintance of mine tonight. It has been on my heart to speak with him for awhile, at first I didn't know why, but then I was informed of his situation. It felt so nice to sit down and share with him what was going on without actually telling him anything. So great to identify with him completely without feeling guilty about sharing details. Details weren't needed, we could see that our situations were similar by the struggles we have been going through and the things we believe that God has shown us in our separate situations. Things were so similar, it encouraged me and gave me hope. I felt like it was completely given by God. Huge confirmation for me there.
Its only been a day and the Lord is working so much!
I see myself getting to certain points along the path I have been traveling that I have been trying to reach for so long. I'm not completely there obviously, its only been a day, but now they seem visible and not so far from my reach anymore. I am so thankful to God for that.
I am so thankful that He has washed my sins away and showing me that my sorrow and repentance was genuine enough for Him. Sin has obviously taken a hold of my life and I am not strong enough to overcome it.
Lord, only Your love is great enough to overcome my sin. I need that. I need You and Only You. You are to be my passion!
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
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