The Lord's Day

"Even the best fall down sometimes....Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow find you and I collide..."
-Howie Day

So yesterday was an awkward, yet amazing sort of day...Who ever thought those two would coincide with each other?

Started off with Church...which is a great way to start any day. Had a nice time with the Lord. Very good...very minor assumptions..so 10 points for Aubs! wohoo...then I was on my way to a trip of solitude to Concord for a family cookout...this could have resulted in a ton of stuff either good or bad...But I wasn't scared... then my speakers started freaking out and I got a little worried...

See, the thing is, only one of my speakers works correctly and sometimes another one likes to pretend it works and it lets out this ungodly scream...Whenever it does that, I take that as a sign from God that He wants to have a talk...so, not even 5 minutes onto 101, guess who interrupts me belting my heart out??? Yup, God wants to talk....so, normally I would have been fine, but lately I've been praying for "ears to hear"...so I figured this was my time to listen...see, I personally hate confrontation and I knew I was going to have to experience it today with my family because I was about to enter an "attack" sort of conversation with my Uncle Norm, whom is a Bahai Priest...so I had my work cut out for me...but the Lord had spared me at Christmas, so I knew I couldn't run anymore....God's and my talk went well, and I was entirely calm :)
The conversations with my Uncle went well...they weren't detailed and he didn't try to be tricky which was good...but I told him about how I'm going to be taking hermeneutics, and he assured me that he'll have a bunch of scripture waiting for me when I get home to help him understand...(sigh)

But that really had nothing to do with my emotional rollercoaster yesterday...Actually my emotional rollercoaster was really good, it was a good thing for me to experience because it came from positive stuff...
It stemmed from (for the real first time) experiencing good conversation with people on my Father's side of the family...I actually had a real conversation with my Father...he wasn't discouraging at all, didn't make scumbag comments and it was nice. We talked about family (My Aunt died yesterday and My Grandfather a year ago tomorrow). I learned that I may not even truly be a Bond...haha..that was interesting :)
But I think for the first time in my life, I had a real conversation with my Grammie...how sad is that? I'm almost 20 and I've never sat down and had a conversation with her. I'm closer to my friend's Grammie P. (see post "retraction 0f earlier today"). God really showed me that I have grown, because before I didn't have the patience for my Grandmother...but I was blessed to spend time with her yesterday...

We talked about the one thing that I dream of...Marriage
We were talking about my Grandfather and she told me of how they were married for 40 years! 40 years people...That's amazing...so I asked her what the secret was, what was the secret to staying together so long? What she had told me, I partially knew, but it just reinforced things I need to learn, apply and appreciate. We then got to talking about their relationship...For the first time I heard of how they met and the sweet things he would do for her, like every spring he would pick the first yellow rose off the bush and bring it to her and how he would always cut around the white daisies on the farm (they were her favorite), and he would bring her home one each day and how he never would apologize verbally for being wrong, but he would admit it and make her a bouquet whenever he was....She told me her secrets to keeping fights to a minimum and stories of how they grew old together and defeated the adversities they faced (they were 20 years apart)...and I just soaked it up...I got to tell her of my dreams and she loved it...My secret was that she didn't know how much I'm longing for it...They were married for 40 years and they loved each other just as much the day he died as the day that they met...I hope to find that. I know whomever I marry, that is how it will be. I really do, because I won't settle.

Anyway...After I had talked with my cousin Beth-Ann for awhile and said my goodbyes, I went to the mall up there and as I was walking out of it, it hit me how lonely I felt...I don't know if I had been that lonely before, it reminded me of first semester...just from everything my Grandmother and I had talked about and my "monthly bill" and other stuff...it hit me like a ton of bricks..it was okay, just sad...so I get into the car and try to ignore it...

Guess who starts screaming?...Apparently God still wanted to talk...

I just sat in silence the whole hour ride home and when I started "talking" about everything, it hit like a wave...I felt so guilty for never sitting down and talking to my Grandfather...I never took the time to hear stories or tell him how much I really loved him. Honestly, I and others know that I was his favorite and I just miss him real bad. I felt so bad for never having patience for my Grandmother before and realized how much I really do love her. I felt so bad for her, because I thought about how she was with him for 40 years and then she lost him. How lonely must she be? That is when I truly knew that I would want to live out the quote "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" (again). Thinking about that I realized how much I was longing for someone..and no, not exactly anyone in particular, but as funny as it sounds, I was longing for my other half that I don't even have yet... I was so thankful that God let me experience this.

He confirmed for me what my true hearts desires are. He showed me how much I truly love my family and how much they love me. He showed me that relationships can never be just one sided. That He not only uses people in my life, but He uses me in others'. He showed me that I should use the resources that He's placed in my life while I have them. He showed me that He's not the kind of God who will give me hungers and passions only to tease me with them...that somehow, some way (which I don't know yet) He will fulfill those, for as I've been growing closer to Him, my desires have become what He has desired for me all along.

So, even though there was guilt, there was sadness, loneliness, longing and fear, it all stemmed from something good. It was what I needed. It helped things be brought into the light.

I think yesterday I grew more than I ever have.