Tears of Frustration and Growth

"God has not promised to deliver us from trouble, but He has promised to go with us through the trouble"(Ps 23:4)
-Billy Graham

Abba,
You are my rock, yet why do I feel weak? How is it that the actions or lack of actions of others can harden my heart so much? That it can bring out this attitude in me that I know isn't who I really am?

I started off today okay...But then things got worse. Is it better to false worship or give no worship at all? You heard my prayers in church. I needed You to soften my heart fast because I wanted to praise you, but I would not move my mouth to those words until my heart was right....Then when I thought it wasn't going to change, You gave me that song! I felt You, for the first time in a couple days. You were there and I had to praise You! I didn't care who was around...I thank You for that.

But these same prayers I ask for again. My heart has started to harden again. My head is filled with this frustration and anger, all because of what I believe was a stab and I perceived as attitude.

There are also other things that have been bugging me. They both think I'm so quiet and they think its because I'm ticked off or something. I don't become ticked off until they start asking questions and fail to realize that it comes off as an attack. All I'm doing is people watching or thinking or just gaining peace. Then the questions (sometimes with attitude attached), start rolling in and they get ticked off when I don't give them a good answer.

They also complain about how I don't join the conversation. 1st, It always is presented as a one-on-one conversation, so I just listen, but then I always feel like I'm eavesdropping, so then I just pay attention to my own thing. Also, if they are having a conversation and I want to put my two sense in, there is just complete attitude written all over her face. Its like I'm bothering her for sharing my opinion, for interrupting the conversation and if it isn't the same opinion as hers, she is quick to correct me. So this is why I keep my mouth shut.

I'm so sorry for writing out my anger, but it is the only way I could handle it properly. By me writing it, there is no room for others to get hurt or angry, and I know that I wouldn't have caused it.

Lord, help me have patience. I always feel that I am to blame or the only one who needs to fix things. If that isn't true, altar my view. Help me to be satisfied with what I've been handed. Help me to focus on what is being done, not on what else could be done. Use me to help comfort others. Continue to soften my heart and practice humility. I want your plan of sanctification.

I apologize for my sins and my evil nature. Thank you for seeing the depths of my heart and continuing to love me! You are absolutely amazing and I don't understand how I could ever doubt You. Thankyou for Your comfort and grace.