Tears of Frustration and Growth

"God has not promised to deliver us from trouble, but He has promised to go with us through the trouble"(Ps 23:4)
-Billy Graham

Abba,
You are my rock, yet why do I feel weak? How is it that the actions or lack of actions of others can harden my heart so much? That it can bring out this attitude in me that I know isn't who I really am?

I started off today okay...But then things got worse. Is it better to false worship or give no worship at all? You heard my prayers in church. I needed You to soften my heart fast because I wanted to praise you, but I would not move my mouth to those words until my heart was right....Then when I thought it wasn't going to change, You gave me that song! I felt You, for the first time in a couple days. You were there and I had to praise You! I didn't care who was around...I thank You for that.

But these same prayers I ask for again. My heart has started to harden again. My head is filled with this frustration and anger, all because of what I believe was a stab and I perceived as attitude.

There are also other things that have been bugging me. They both think I'm so quiet and they think its because I'm ticked off or something. I don't become ticked off until they start asking questions and fail to realize that it comes off as an attack. All I'm doing is people watching or thinking or just gaining peace. Then the questions (sometimes with attitude attached), start rolling in and they get ticked off when I don't give them a good answer.

They also complain about how I don't join the conversation. 1st, It always is presented as a one-on-one conversation, so I just listen, but then I always feel like I'm eavesdropping, so then I just pay attention to my own thing. Also, if they are having a conversation and I want to put my two sense in, there is just complete attitude written all over her face. Its like I'm bothering her for sharing my opinion, for interrupting the conversation and if it isn't the same opinion as hers, she is quick to correct me. So this is why I keep my mouth shut.

I'm so sorry for writing out my anger, but it is the only way I could handle it properly. By me writing it, there is no room for others to get hurt or angry, and I know that I wouldn't have caused it.

Lord, help me have patience. I always feel that I am to blame or the only one who needs to fix things. If that isn't true, altar my view. Help me to be satisfied with what I've been handed. Help me to focus on what is being done, not on what else could be done. Use me to help comfort others. Continue to soften my heart and practice humility. I want your plan of sanctification.

I apologize for my sins and my evil nature. Thank you for seeing the depths of my heart and continuing to love me! You are absolutely amazing and I don't understand how I could ever doubt You. Thankyou for Your comfort and grace.

Pure White

"The whiter the gown, the happier the husband"
-Robertson McQuilken

Bascially the more pure and righteous the gown of the bride (us) the happier the husband (God) will be...

I want to make my gown more pure and white than it has ever been...

Also I think this can apply to our husbands we marry here on earth...I think that they will appreciate the fact that we have left our gowns the brightest of whites just for them.

God will bless that.

Triumph Over Trial

"I give You thanks, O Lord, with all my heart; I will sing Your praises...I will give thanks to Your name for Your unfailing love and faithfulness, because Your promises are backed by all the honor of Your name. When I pray You answer me; You encourage me by giving me the strength I need. ..Though the Lord is great, He cares for the humble, but He keeps from the proud. Though I am surrounded by troubles, You will preserve me...The Lord will work out his plan for my life-
For Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever."
- Psalm 138: 1-3,6-8

Phew, what a day huh?

I spent most of my day running around like a chicken with my head cut off with too many things to do and I started to freak out...I was stressing so bad. I just wanted to be by myself without having to concentrate on anything else but relaxing and gaining peace... Then I went to babysitting...

Babysitting was a nightmare. The boy was a complete turd, he peed everywhere and then the girl started playing with her nasty diaper and then she threw up...all while the mom was still there, I wanted to die...I felt so horrible and then to add this situation on top and the mom being stressed out, I lost it....

After I walked out of the house, I got into the truck and just started crying...I cried all the way home. One thing I did do though which I wouldn't normally do: I talked to God during that drive home. I called out, told Him I needed Him, asked Him to sort out the thoughts running through my head. That was nice to run to Him first. Because I did that and got comfort, I felt afterward that it was okay to seek comfort from friends.

That went okay, but not as well as I had hoped, not as well as it used to. I will be honest in saying that part of the reason why I was crying on the drive home was because of a feeling I'm really not even allowed to verbalize.

The main thing was that I thought I didn't miss this person much, I mean of course I did, but I haven't been devastated and completely falling apart and from what little I have been able to gather, this seems like a cake walk for them, so I thought maybe it wasn't a big deal, but during the drive it totally sideswiped me and I thought...
"Hello, McFly, OF COURSE YOU MISS THEM." I miss my friend a lot, a whole lot and I didn't realize how much it has hurt that I can't express that, but as much as it hurts, I understand why...
so that added on to my emotional spat..but this was a different spat and a different miss...It was and is a healthy type of missing my friend and I know that its okay because of how I handled the situation...

So, later on tonight, other things went down...not some so friendly things...but I went to my room and prayed and brought the situation to God right away...I was completely calm and just talked with Him. I realized that there were some things in that situation I completely should not have done and apologized. I assumed the worst and told God I was prepared to handle that, with His help, if that was what was going to happen. I then immediately apologized to the person I had wronged and they did the same.

God is totally amazing, because if this were a couple of months ago or even a week ago, that never would have happened. We both would have stewed in our rooms and waited for our other friend to force us to sort it out, (which is completely wrong and I am trying to work on that). We would have had complete bitterness in our hearts. I for one can say that even after tonight, I have none whatsoever towards them. I am so thankful that God is working in each of us. It was so great to see how God is molding them and to see the spiritual growth in them tonight. That is so awesome!

So...now I'm here, relaxing and calm, getting out all of the junk of my day and looking forward to another day of working on my relationship with God and finding happiness. I'm excited that I have found how to receive that happiness which is through having true friendship and fellowship with God. That is the only way that I will ever find true peace and that friendship and fellowship is exactly what I am striving to establish.

Soul of Joy

"For the Lord God is our light and protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will the lord withhold from those who do what is right. O Lord Almighty, happy are those who trust in You." Psalm 84:11-12

I am so thankful for today.

So thankful for yesterday. Boundaries were set up and they are severe. I may not agree with all of them, but I respect the fact that they were set up and I respect who they were set up by. I understand why and I am so thankful that they have enough respect for myself and themselves to set them up. In my heart of hearts, I know its best. Even though at first it hurt to hear what I heard yesterday, it caused me to write out questions I had about myself, my situation and my situation with God. I just poured out all that I had to the Lord.

I have felt a release of grief. Today has been so amazing. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Nothing could have brought me down today & there was definitely opportunity. The sad part is that I wish I could have shared it with certain people, but in part I did, because I kept them joyfully in my prayers throughout the day.

That is just the thing, my soul felt absolute joy in the Lord today. I haven't necessarily actually felt that before.

I was able to have an amazing talk with an acquaintance of mine tonight. It has been on my heart to speak with him for awhile, at first I didn't know why, but then I was informed of his situation. It felt so nice to sit down and share with him what was going on without actually telling him anything. So great to identify with him completely without feeling guilty about sharing details. Details weren't needed, we could see that our situations were similar by the struggles we have been going through and the things we believe that God has shown us in our separate situations. Things were so similar, it encouraged me and gave me hope. I felt like it was completely given by God. Huge confirmation for me there.

Its only been a day and the Lord is working so much!

I see myself getting to certain points along the path I have been traveling that I have been trying to reach for so long. I'm not completely there obviously, its only been a day, but now they seem visible and not so far from my reach anymore. I am so thankful to God for that.

I am so thankful that He has washed my sins away and showing me that my sorrow and repentance was genuine enough for Him. Sin has obviously taken a hold of my life and I am not strong enough to overcome it.

Lord, only Your love is great enough to overcome my sin. I need that. I need You and Only You. You are to be my passion!

Distant Hope

Its a hard road ahead...but the end of it is beautiful and amazing

Psalm 39:7-13; 40:11-13

"Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in You. Rescue me from my rebellion, for even fools mock me when I rebel. I am silent before You; I won't say a word. For my punishment is from You. Please don't punish me anymore! I am exhausted by the blows from Your hand. When You discipline people for their sins, their lives can be crushed like the life of a moth. Human existence is as frail as breath. Hear my prayer, O Lord! Listen to my cries for help! Don't ignore my tears. For I am Your guest- a traveler passing through, as my ancestors were before me. Spare me so I can smile again before I am gone and exist no more....
Lord, don't hold back Your tender mercies from me. My only hope is in Your unfailing love and faithfulness. For troubles surround me- too many to count! They pile up so high I can't see my way out. They are more numerous than the hairs on my head. I have lost all my courage. Please, Lord, rescue me! Come quickly, Lord, and help me."

I Need You, My Rock

I've done it again, I've given in to the very sin that breaks your heart.
Now I return, fix my eyes on You.
That's not who I am, that's not who I am in You.
You say that I'm Your child. You love me with a love that I'll never comprehend.
Lord, I give to you all I am, in Holy Surrender.
Jesus take my life and make it yours.

Turn Your ear to me, draw near to me, hold me Lord when I am in need.
In all that I do, in all my life, I will honor You.

I am a child of weakness, my stength is small. I will turn to You where I will find my all.

Holy Spirit, rise up in me.
Flood over us, Holy Spirit rain down. Let Your Glory surround this.

Finding Strength in My Weakness

"If the Lord delights in a man's way, He makes his steps firm; though he stumbles, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him and his hand." Psalm 37: 23-24

There has been so much scripture that I have found to apply to how I've been feeling, how I've been seeming to fail, although they all have been encouraging, this one is the most to me.

I truly want to walk in the Lord's ways. He is the only thing that I want to focus on and follow. In Matthew 7:24-25 it talks about building a house on the rock of firm foundation. The house is able to weather every storm brought its way, because it was continuously standing on the rock. With the rock as a foundation, it is not able to be torn down.

I want to be the house that is built on the foundation of solid ground. I want everything I have and want to be built on the foundation of the Lord, whom is my personal rock. I do not want to do anything that would weaken that.

It has been hard for me to deal with me feeling like a failure. This is especially hard when I know how my true heart is, what I really want in the long run, and then I go and become weak to temptation. I have been overestimating my own strength and underestimating God's. That hurts so much. Seeing how hurt I am myself, I can't even begin to imagine how much I am hurting God when I become weak, or even how I'm hurting others in my weakness. As much as it doesn't seem to be even close to enough, I am so sorry, from the deepest part of my soul.

I am so unworthy of all the blessing that God has been giving me. Even in this time of hardship, He is giving me blessings, answering my prayers. He has been giving me strength when this has been a VERY trying day. I pray so hard that God, You will sustain me through every trial I face and You will continually make me conscious of the way out You have provided.

Seeing the blessing that He has given me through this horrible day I keep remembering the great blessings He has given me when I've been obedient. That is what I want, not because I would be receiving something, but I want to be obedient to God, I want to please Him and make Him proud of me.

As obvious as it is that I am weak, I am trying and will be trying with all that I am to be so obedient and strong. I want the bigger picture and greatness more than anything. I want to be pleasing to God, I want to honor Him. All this stuff that has been going on isn't worth giving the big picture up and as hard as I will struggle, I will do all that I can to prove that I can handle this and that I want to follow God's will and be pleasing to Him more than anything. I can't do this on my own. It is only through the power of Christ that I am able to.

So, I am putting this behind me. I am moving on and taking the next step that God has placed in front of me, so that I may go where He wants me to be. He will be my focus in it all. That is my true heart's desire.

Another Chance

I'm glad I serve the God of another chance...

Emotional Circles

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress; my God in whom I trust.'" Psalm 91:1-2

Today has been an up and down sort of day...I don't like these kind..No, not at all

I haven't exactly been feeling like I did in my last blog post, but after thinking things through, I realized that I need to turn to that and remind myself when I feel like this, because this is not how God has meant for me to feel forever. It will pass

I had a great quiet time not too long ago. It felt so good to spill everything to God. I haven't done that in awhile. It was nice to feel that I could be completely honest with Him. That releases a lot. I feel like I've handed Him my troubles and even though I have moments of despair, He will bring me through in the end.

Although I don't feel amazing, I feel refreshed and this verse helped me. It seems that I'm starting to go on a downslide when it comes to trusting, again. I'm so scared sometimes. So scared that what I want to happen wont, so scared that I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life, so scared that I'll be alone... I don't want to be alone.

But then I read this verse, and many others like it, where it says that God will take care of me, I have no reason whatsoever to doubt Him, to not trust Him. In my own life, looking back on the past, I find that to be true. Every single time I have worried, He has given me the passions of my heart, even when I was so unworthy and so untrusting...What makes me think He would stop doing that now if its His will?

I guess the best thing is that even after every time I get down, after every time I doubt, I always come back to think that: yes, this is God's will, I truly believe it.
And if I truly believe that He is the Almighty Lord that I gave my life to, I need to believe that as hard as it may seem to see, He will most definitely get His will accomplished. How amazing is He?

There is a light at the end of this narrow, dark tunnel.

Pulling Through

"Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs-he wants to please his commanding officer." 2Timothy 2:3-4

In this passage, Paul is writing to Timothy and is telling him that yes, he will suffer and be persecuted for his faith in Christ Jesus, but we need to take up our suffering and continue to offer it to God. We need to not try and please others, but we want to please our Headmaster at all times, and that is God Almighty.

Ya know, I've been handed quite a lot of hardship over the past 3 months, and it has been rough. Its been emotionally draining. There have been times when I just wanted to give up. This weekend was another one of those times.

I hate when I get like that. I start to question EVERYTHING all the time...I over-analyze junk, read into things that aren't even there, and I end up driving myself even more crazy and hurting those I love...But I am so thankful that God has been working in me, cuz it could be a lot worse...

I have dealt with this so much better this past weekend, than I have in the past. I'm glad for that. I had an appointment today and that helped me to re-focus on what I need to work in in myself, and it showed me how much progress is being made.

I need to not put myself into the middle of things and confuse others...I need to not put people into the position where they feel they would have to stretch themselves into two directions. That just isn't fair, and it isn't my place.

So anyway, back to my point of this passage and how I am applying it to myself....
Yes, there are times of suffering, times when I want to give up and if this were a couple of months ago, I may have done just that, but God is teaching me so much, and he's helped me to stop and think before I make hasty decisions. He has shown me that I need to trust him, that He has brought me through all of this and this far for a reason. It would be stupid for me to give up. I would be selling my self short of the ultimate glory and blessing that He will get and I will receive at the end of this.

He's showing me that yes, as horrible as I am, He still loves me and loves to bless me. He will carry me through and be my rock when times get tough. He won't EVER give me anything that I won't be able to pull out of....These times are just a small test so that I can become stronger and a better servant for Him....

Man, I love knowing that everything is going to be so amazing!!

Trying this out....

So, trying this whole blog thing here.....I like this place better than the other place...anyway..

Been thinking a lot today, it was a rough day, but it was different. Things were presented to me, and it hurt to know them, but I knew it was right and I saw and see where I need to change. Even though it hurt, I knew that everything would be okay. It helped a lot to pray about it. Just asking God what I need to do, to show me what needs to happen....

Thats the thing, I have no idea how to do this. I want to fix everything so bad, I want to move on with my life and be happy, but I have no freakin' clue whatsoever about where to start or how to fix things.

I guess that is where I need to step out and let God take over, let him work out the details. Today in Chapel, Dr. Beyer was talking about just that, trying to figure out what God's plan for us, but sometimes we get so overwhelmed because of that lack of details...But what I need to do, (which I have been learning about too), is that I need to give up control and let God be the pilot.

I really want this to be fixed, and in all honesty, yes part of it is to please people, but most of all, I just want everything right, and I want everything to be pleasing in God's eyes.

He is teaching me so much and I am so thankful that He loves me this much to point out where I need work. I can't say how amazing He is and how much He has blessed me, even in these hard times.

So, anyway, that was my venting for today, I know its not much, but I'm exausted and I need to get some sleep...busy/draining weekend ahead :(

Pray for me please!!