Basket Case

"Let it all out, get it all out, rip it out, remove it...don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed." -Matthew Thiessen

This blog is going to be all over the place...it's just a reflection of yesterday and none of it may actually make sense...

I don't know exactly how it all started, maybe I had a ton of thoughts rolling around in my head, but they didn't surface until around 3:20, when I realized I had to turn in my lesson plan for Bible Clubs and I was supposed to leave in the next 10 minutes...My lesson plan hadn't been entirely finished and I had just been woken up from a nap (thankfully, because I would have missed Bible Clubs), so I was groggy and cranky from lack of sleep, and I don't have a printer so I had to send it to my roommates computer, but her computer is 10 times slower than mine, so it takes forever...and on and on and on...So mad rush to the field ed office (at this point if anyone gets in my way they just might get knocked on the ground) and I get in there to find that my lesson plan isn't exactly up to par...That just wasn't what I needed to hear.

So I'm super stressed and am fighting tears back because I was in my Bible Club meeting and there was a guy there, so I didn't want to cry in front of him, but as soon as he left my trusty friends returned yet again (my tears). They never seem to fail. I just didn't know how to handle the night before and now all of this stuff added too and my phone was being stupid...I didn't want to teach at all and deal with disrespectful kids...I wasn't in the mood to discipline, but I'm learning that sometimes we need to do things that we don't want to...

Bible clubs went fine, but for some reason I just couldn't exactly calm down...

I had dinner with a friend and I explained some things to her and sort of let it all out, but it didn't seem to be enough and that is never usually the case...She offered to let me bake with her, for that is another outlet I use, but that didn't work out...So I went to my room and procrastinated until it was time for the bonfire at the pointe...

I went there for about 15 minutes and then left, I just couldn't focus and I couldn't worship right it seemed..So I walked back and talked to my Unkie Nathan for a half hour and that just sent all other emotions into a whirlwind...

This man is so important in my life, its weird...For the past 20 years he's been in the Army and for the past 15 I think I've seen him on probably 12 occasions (if I'm lucky) and talked to him about 30 times, yet we are so close and it seems like there hasn't been a week in my life that he hasn't been present. He's been the true godly example in my life. He fits the title that he's been given as my "godfather". It was so good to talk to him and to hear some words that were so encouraging...it was so good to hear words from a man whom I know purely loves me...To know that I make him proud for even trying in life and that the person and woman that I am makes his heart glad...It ripped me to shreds, I'm even crying now as I write this, but I needed to hear those things. I know that I'll never hear those words from either of my fathers...

But on a greater note, I'm planning a trip to go see him in November before he leaves for Egypt! I'm so excited :)

But this conversation I had with him reminded me of another man in my life, whom reminds me of my uncle...I see so much of my uncle in him and that is pleasing and promising...but with all of the "bi-polar" emotions, I had wished that he had said those words to me...that he could be proud of me. I needed him to be my friend right then, to hold me for a moment and just let me cry, but this whole sabbatical thing is still in session... So my "trusty friends" showed me that they were still there and physically showed it by the blotches on my face...

So with all that I just couldn't handle the little things anymore...I had a four page paper to finish for today that I hadn't even started and online wasn't working and I couldn't figure out why, people were being annoying and a bunch of other little stuff...I was ready for a drink, but I went for the Mt. Dew instead...as I was walking back from the kitchen to my room, I felt coins in my pocket and remembered that I had to do laundry...that was the final straw...I literally walked into my room and collapsed on the floor and started bawling...I just couldn't function...it was pretty bad, because I even let my roommate hug me, (I never let her touch me, why I don't know), and she got on the floor with me and just hugged me for a good 5 minutes...then my other friend came in and did my laundry for me....I've never been that bad before, EVER!...I usually can deal with all the stuff thrown at me, but for some reason last night, I just could not even handle simple things...I felt like a two year old.

After my "break down", I felt better. I got a grasp on things and I started my paper and got a huge chunk done. I talked to my friend for awhile and though most was joking, it was good and I seem to really enjoy those moments we are able to have. There was something that they said which seems to keep entering my thoughts, which could potentially be a problem, but we'll see...Maybe it was just a problem last night, not so much today...anyway, I took a break and as I was folding my laundry I watched Friends and had a good time with girls I don't know and before I knew it, it was 2:30 in the morning and my paper was not finished yet..Oops!! Oh well, I went to bed..lol... and now I'm here

Okay, so that was a lot and none made sense and I probably just proved that I am crazy..oh well, what can you do? Today has been a much better day. I woke up feeling great and was able to finish my paper. No stressors so far ;) I realized why this was probably brought on...I haven't spent "quality time" with the Lord in a few days...its so weird how that effects me in a huge way...Its not that I've been avoiding Him or anything like that, its just with life sometimes it slips my mind. Its so sad to me that me spending time with Him is the first thing to go, where as it should be the other way around...This is something I want to change for sure.

In fact, maybe I should go use my time before class wisely :)