"All love that has not friendship for it's base is like a mansion built upon sand."
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox
My heart hurts a whole lot...
I really don't know why though...I feel sorrow I think. All I know is that I keep crying and crying. I really feel it in my heart, it literally hurts, like someone is squeezing tighter and tighter until it will be lifeless...
A lot has to do with a friendship, or lack there of, that I had. I just thought about this a minute ago...where I can say it over and over 'til I'm blue in the face that he is my best friend..but its not true anymore, because we have nothing. I guess its just hard and awkward to think that my pure, genuine, unconditional heart is in the hands of someone I don't even know... But I want to know him so bad. I hate that I don't know him. I hate that he doesn't know me. I hate how we have to be so candid with each other, its so unreal...and that's not who I am. I think my heart shattered a little more when we walked away from each other without hugging...
But we have to be this way for awhile...the words "future" and "awhile" keep coming up and I don't like that I don't know the meanings of them. I'm so used to him putting time frames on everything and this time he hasn't...well maybe in his own mind he has, but he hasn't told me, and I suspect so that I don't get my hopes up or so that I don't just reach for that specific timing, which is actually good on his part...but I want to know...
I want to know when we can be friends again. When this silly "sabbatical" can end. I want to know if he's going to be in my life later on and the status that will hold. Okay, so yes I think about it sometimes and yes I struggle from time to time... its difficult because so much was shared before, and now we have to disregard it all...there are bits and pieces that I want to keep though, but I guess I can't.
Why couldn't we have just got it right from the beginning?
See, I don't want people to misunderstand and think that I feel this way all the time, because I don't...this is one of the few times where I get down and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with me being sick and a "bill" this week...but there is truth to a lot of this...
He's right...I don't understand how I don't have an ulcer now?...
Lord, how come I wear my heart on my sleeve and he doesn't seem to struggle, at least not with the same things I do?? That's another thing huh? We can't share our emotions with each other anymore can we? Gosh Lord, that's going to be really really hard, because like I said, he was once my best friend.
So, I sit here alone in my room tonight, wracking my brain of who I could possibly share my emotions with?? He's gone, my mom wouldn't be appropriate, my good friend isn't here, my cousin would be bias even though she's gone through/is going through very similar things and I don't feel comfortable being as intimate with other friends anymore...
so it seems that I have no one to cry out to. No one to just listen to me and curl my hair behind my ears and whisper to comfort me, to hold me tight like I used to be held...
But as I sit here writing this, I truly, wholeheartedly hear you calling me Lord, saying
"Did you forget about me? I've been waiting to hold you like that all this time. I want to make you better. I want your heart to be whole again. Be quiet child. Just rest with Me."
And as a river of tears flow down my face, I am able to turn from wallowing in my sorrows.
I want to have You hold me Lord and truly, only You. Hear my tears and I'll hear Your whispers and promises.
You will receive the utmost glory in all of this...I know its true.
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