Foolish Heart

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe." -Ephesians 1:18-19

I've been weird for days...and I really do know why...It's so hard to put into words...
My mind drifts into places I need not to go, whether it be dark places of the past, negative places of the present or bright places of the future. Assumptions of course... my specialty!
Sometimes I really hate who I've been and I hate when that person becomes who I am...

I'm not good at all when it comes to my heart...nope, not one bit...
I wear my heart on my sleeve...that is just who I am...I can't change that..I feel like my feelings can't be confined inside of me and must be put to good use... I feel like I have ALL OF THESE FEELINGS that are sitting outside of my body, as if they are a few inches in front of me and as I walk, all that is happening is that they are being swatted away like a swarm of flies...

This can't be right...How long is this going to have to go on? Its like this...I've been waiting for over 9 months now and its been crazy, but there's something in my head saying "hey, wait a sec, you've waited 9 months, you can wait a heck of a lot longer, he's completely worth it!" while the other part of me says "hey, its been 9 months and no signs of anything happening soon, so invest your feelings in someone else..." But that's the flesh in me telling me to give up, I know it...
So, I won't...But I need to remind myself that I have no need to be thinking of this right now, nor apparently in the near future...

Denying yourself is a very difficult thing to do...I still feel like I can't win either way in daily stuff, but I know that my Lord has more things to teach me...Self control is the biggest thing I want to "master". I see this whole situation as a hard road and I keep finding myself looking for the short-cut...anyway to avoid it, but still get what I want.

Note to self: SELF, THIS IS JUST NOT POSSIBLE!

Lord, I really need to re-focus my eyes, re-focus my heart, re-focus my life...Bring it back to You. Help me to control my heart, well no, control what I do in reaction to my heart..Shorten my leash, where as I won't get so distracted...This blog has been a testimony as to how that happens and I truly do not like it at all, I don't like where my head goes.
I'm so sorry Lord that I haven't made time for You like I should. I know that You would drop and have dropped everything for me if I asked you and I've just said "Hey God, do you think maybe you could want me at some point tomorrow? I've got stuff to do". Please Lord, I beg of You to forgive me...none of this has been what I've wanted, for I've wanted something to deepen my relationship and walk with You and its only taken up the time that should have been spent with You...I've been so foolish...I'm truly sorry :*(

Well, looks like I've got some growing to do here...I'm on my way...Anesthesia or not!