Awaiting the Sun

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of any kind, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." -James 1:2-3

So, I sit here at 1:00 am and contemplate what it is in me that makes me feel this way? I was able at one point today to grieve over the realization that I've felt so unwanted and alone. I felt like God didn't even want me anymore, but I still can't figure out what's going on...

I have so many thoughts racing around in my head, but it's as if as soon as I try to grab one and attatch words to it for explanation, it runs away and I get confused and frustrated... Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm running on 3.5 hours of sleep with a total of 12 for the past 3 days? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I probably haven't spent quality time with God in over a week and haven't been able to bring myself to read His Word for probably 4 days?...I did just read though and I think it's been confirmed for me what His life lesson for me is-
That of course is perseverance...

I have to resolve myself to the fact that He is always going to hand me situations to persevere through. Sucky, I know, but atleast I'll probably get good at it over time...In fact, I know another situation is approaching tomorrow. Maybe that is why I refuse to close my eyes, in hopes that tomorrow will never come and that it was just something I dreamt when we agreed to do this?

But, I must bite the bullet, for in 5 hours, that sun will rise and it will be the start of something new, which I realize I must submit to and accept, as much as my selfish side wants to say no and just continue with the way things are and just let my heart be unguarded...

But that's not right...That is so unfair and so selfish of me...I care so much that I will set aside my selfishness, for I refuse to be a roadblock in the path to purity and sanctification. I just can't do that. So I press on and swallow it all...

I know it will get better and will probably be so than before, but change is hard. Maybe its also because it really wasn't discussed tonight and I felt like the goodbye was shallow and meaningless, that it didn't end on a good or bad note, just numb? They didn't even realize that I was choking back my tears and disguising them with a "happy voice" in order to not let them feel guilt or unhappiness themselves...So I curled myself up here, very much like I am now, in my "other room" and cried for a bit...

But, I realize now that this whole thing is exactly what I've been praying for...
1) It's a step towards balance
2) It's a step towards being healthy
3) It will help me to trust God
4) It will help me to trust him
5) It will give me patience...for I have absolutely no way of being able to somehow control the situation.

I know these weeks, (or however long), will be hard and I'm pretty sure that tomorrow may break whatever pieces of my heart I have left, (as you've noticed, I'm still awake trying to defeat the inevitable presence of tomorrow), but I will do as the Lord has called me to...

I will persevere and give Him my praise all the way through...

God, if You're listening...I'm ready.