Painful Delay

"By Myself, I can do nothing;"-John 5:30

Lord,
I am so angry with You. Why did You create me the way that I am? Why does this have to cause me so much pain? I thought I'd been longing after You, I thought I was on the right path, but yet again my pain has been a showing of my failure...Why is this? How am I failing? I think my heart is there when I say things to You, but I feel like You've shown me tonight that they'll never add up and they were never truthful...Was I just trying to convince myself???...

This is so STUPID!!...Why am I so messed up???...

Yeah, I guess it was all a reaction to the thought of not being with him. But no, it was seeing that picture of her in the "family portrait". How happy and "picture perfect" it all looked. It adds up to the fact that I feel like I'll never compare, I'll never be enough...If I do end up with him, what? Are her and I BOTH going to be in the family pictures? I feel like everyone will always wonder why he settled for me...? And then my frame...He replaced my picture and put her in it. I guess I feel betrayed. But wait- This is nothing to think about...AM I ON CRACK? I'm getting myself worked up over something that's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!...-The only thing is, I can convince my head of this, but my heart refuses to conform...

...Even through all of this anger, my heart is filled with nothing but love. I literally feel the warmth and comfort built up inside. It's filled with all this love that I want to pour out and also filled with the hope of having it returned by another!

You never created these feelings to be suppressed did You? Again, You created me the way I am and You know how greatly I desire to let these feelings flow, but tonight it's been abundantly clear that I've been searching for the wrong places to pour myself into and the wrong thing to be poured into me by.

I long for You, Lord, I truly do. I see that You've created these feelings for Yourself, for only You are worthy of being their keeper.

Could You love me Lord?

I want to give You my love, my ultimate love, nothing short of the passion I hold inside. This is the way I praise You. Lord, I want to truly experience Your love...Embrace me Lord and take me to that place where we can meet...You are my cornerstone...

This started as a complaint to the way You've made me, but as I write I understand now why You did so...You didn't give me these feelings so that I could suffer. You gave them so that they would be given back to You as worship. Me searching elsewhere has created my pain, it's been my fault...

But in my pain, I will still worship You with the love I know I have. You've placed it in me and now it will be used correctly in it's intended purpose...

I am sorry for the delay...I love You...