Flicker

With the New Year, I started my devotional book up again and am feeling good that I'm reading a bit about God's promises and the encouraging blurbs from Billy Graham. There was however something I read the other day and I just didn't even know what to do with it. As I was reading the blurb, I looked back at the scripture for the day and it was Matthew 28:20-
"I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

The blurb reinforced the scripture with it's story and then it hit me: I don't believe that. "Christ never leaves us, He is with us every step of the way" This is so hard for me to believe. I KNOW it's true because I KNOW God's Word is true... but it's not in my heart and I don't know what to do with that. I can't feel Him. I can't hear Him. I don't remember what He feels like, what He looks like. Whenever I've gone through trial I've always prayed "Lord, I don't need anything new.. I don't deserve anything new... just please remind me of your goodness of the past and it will bring me right back to you"... and now, I've begun to pray for new things because I can't tangibly remember my spiritual past. I'm a feeler... I need to know that He is near like the Word says, but I just don't.

I was listening to David Crowder tonight on my drive home and as I was listening to "I Need Words" this mental picture of God's and My relationship popped into my head. You know how we've been told forever that God never stops pursuing us, we stop pursuing him, etc...? Well the picture in my mind was of Me and God was standing behind me and I was PULLING and TUGGING on His arms, just trying to get them to wrap around me; to get him to hug me, to comfort me.. and He was resisting. Not with everything He had, obviously, but I was giving it all I had... and He has no interest anymore.

Am I lost? Did I ever know God or did I create Him in my mind? I don't doubt God, I don't doubt His existence... I doubt that our relationship was ever real, I suppose. I feel like I can encourage every one around me (when I want). I can give them God's word and His promises and know that I'm telling the truth... but I guess it's not alive or applicable to my own life. The wilderness is a lonely place of complacency and apathy. This is the first time in a long time that I've cried over my loss... and that's what it is, a loss.

With the bit of hope I have... I'm hoping these baby-steps (Adult group, devotionals, etc.), will be in the right direction and bring something back... a flicker at least that will eventually lead to a flame.