I've had a lot of things running through my head today, yet I am emotionles...I've tried to cry to get it out, but my tears will not flow...WHAT IS THIS??? What has happened to my "trusty friends?" Have they left me too? ...ok, this is getting ridiculous...
One thought in particular that I've considered today was "Am I even really a Christian?"....I profess it and I thought about it, and couldn't imagine not having Christ to turn to and to not have Him in my life, but maybe my numb state has left me to feel that He's non-existent in my life...
No, He is existent, I guess I just question what I really am, for my actions speak otherwise...
This bitterness, jealousy and selfishness seems to be ever-present in my life. I say I want it gone and I say I'm going to take action about it, but it never quite entirely follows through.
I have other sin in my life too, but to be completely honest, I'm not so sure I want it gone...I like the way I feel during those moments...But then my world comes crashing down when I have to suffer the consequences...That is the part I don't like, where as I should be hating the sin, I'm hating the punishment instead... and in turn, I am hurting others because of it.
I was listening to a friend of mine speak tonight, and he said something to the effect that not everyone at CIU is going to heaven...He believes there are a lot of people here who aren't saved. He's been here 4 years and has seen no growth in some...I wonder if that is me, or if I'm going to fall into that category...All because of this not wanting to change in certain areas...
My relationship with God is stationary at the moment. Nothing profound is happening or going on, at least on my part of it. I just don't feel this deep connection or purpose behind it. If all things are supposed to give Glory to God in the end, how the heck is a relationship that is doing nothing going to achieve that?
I don't think that I'm truly repentive...I see sin and I see that its bad, but I never seem to grieve in a godly way over it. I've even lied when asked if I've repented, when I really hadn't, because I just seemed to have forgotten...
I see myself searching for temptation rather than resisting it. I think I do that to feel that I am of some worth. Like today for example, I know that I am truly sorry, but I'm not sorry for what I did, I'm sorry that what I did caused someone grief. I find myself having the wrong motives for whatever sorrow I muster up...its because I know it really is bad and it hurts others, but I never feel sorry because its hurting God...Why is that? This really makes me feel like dirt. I don't know what it's going to take to get me out of this?
There is no profound revelation at the end of this blog as there has been with the others. I'll be straight here: I don't know what to do? I don't feel better and I don't know something new about God that gives me encouragement. But I do know one thing, I need prayer...
Pray that God will let me grieve in a godly manner...Pray that I'll be able to feel again...Pray for God to show me what to do, because if this doesn't change, there are going to be a lot of things for me to consider, and I'm just not sure how much more anxiety and having things ripped from my life I can handle.
Prayer seems to be the only thing that could change me now...
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