I Quit

I need a lobotomy, I swear...

I hate how my emotions are so haywire. Last night was completely awful and today I feel like just giving up on everything. I feel like just going back to school and shutting myself off from everyone and everything, maybe possibly some talks with some girls here and there but that's it! My self-esteem has just been shot to pieces and I really just don't even want to continue dealing, or deal with the consequences from me being psycho and stupid. If you don't care to listen/read any more of my emotional rollercoaster then don't continue reading, for I am going to vent...Also, if you don't: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON MY BLOG ANYWAY? Don't Come back!!!...For those (make believe) advid readers, please continue...

(see, told you I needed a lobotomy...or maybe just some strong pills)

Last night, a friend that I've helped for over a long period of time with an emotional thing basically told me last night that they don't want to talk to me anymore. I've been there for them and sought godly council before I even answered questions and everything, but because of the awkwardness now that they and their spouse will feel, they don't want to meet again (well I've never met the wife) and don't really want to talk. It's horrible what the sins of shame can do to people. "It's not like we were best friends" are the words he stated that keep ringing in my ear....Yes, it may be true, but I don't just confide in anyone and also take on the burdens of others without continuing to care. I just don't get how some people can do this. Why do I care so much about people, more than they do about me?

I spent from 6-10 at my fathers house last night. My car still isn't fixed. It failed inspection the other day and since then my dad has been trying to fix it...and he really wasn't all that bad, but the anger in his face (I think at himself) and some of the comments, just made me feel horrible. I already feel so guilty because he's been working on it all week, on top of working his job and he's been paying the money and everything. I feel awful... But I have been re-assured that my dad and step-mom do love me.

I have no money. CRAP, that reminds me, I have to pay my phone bill right now...UGH!, this whole life thing is driving me more nuts than I already am. I thought I had plenty of money in the bank, but I don't. I have to pay my phone bill, get an oil change and still try to make it back to school. I got one babysitting job, but they already told me that they wont be paying me what they usually do, because everyone is broke. I hate asking for money, I truly do...but it seems like everything that's been happening lately has to do with me coughing up some money. Maybe God is disciplining me and showing me how to be a better steward. I don't know...

Also, I get home from work and the lady I live with asks if I can move all my stuff out before I leave because the space is needed so her children can meet with a personal trainer! I wanted to bawl my eyes out. I HAVE 2 DAYS TO MOVE EVERYTHING!! I don't even have a friggin' truck. Never mind time to pack everything up and ship it. Luckily, I talked to my cousin's wife and she said I could use her storage unit. But its just like "Gosh, how fast does everyone want to get rid of me?"

So last night was just terribly awful, that may sound like nothing, but there were other things too that just crumbled my self-esteem to pieces. I waited again, again like a fool when I needed it most. More things just keep coming up too that give me more and more reason to walk away forever....

I am so tired...I don't even remember when I fell asleep last night, I just know that I cried myself into it...

But now I must go and shove everything under the rug again and pretend to be strong, because people just can't deal with me and my emotions and I need to keep my responsibility and go take care of my kids at the YMCA.

I'm more than ever ready to just quit... you can add it to my list of failures.