A big night of random things and thoughts here, so bear with me...*I had written a blog about two hours ago, but it was a reactionary blog (which I deleted), so after I wrote that I went for a walk, made a jerk out of myself, and then decided to lay on the grass in front of the cafe and stare at the cloudy sky...I think talking to God has become like talking to a stranger, even when I'm in His splendor, its like I'm staring into nothing and speaking to a wall...I need Him to break through...
*I decided that I hate texting...1) it cost money. 2) I made myself look like a royal retard and psycho 3) they just leave me anticipating and I get let down...I just may chuck my phone at the freakin' wall...
*I saw Shane & Shane and David Crowder Band tonight...Pretty much amazing...I felt good at a lot of times, but in all honesty...I don't think any of it was joy..if so, I wouldn't have come home and felt the things I did. If it were joy, those things wouldn't have been able to bother me...
*I realized that I am probably the most jealous and selfish person that I have ever met...I don't like that. 1) its not fun for others..2) it ends up driving me nuts... Satan, you suck!
*When I freak out, or get so upset that I may freak out, I go for walks...I like that, gives me time to think and re-hash what I just reacted to...also lets me experience God all by myself. This fall weather is amazing!
*I guess everything comes back again...as in last semester when I was horrible, my stomach was messed up, I couldn't eat much and lost 33 lbs...but right now, I'm still stressing (and have been for a week) and I'm eating a grilled cheese sandwich after I just ate a chicken pot pie...I also ate a wrap and a kids meal last night from Chic-fil-a...I don't know what is going on with me...seems like I'm never satisfied...
*Like my play-0n-words there?? Yes, I realized that tonight too as I was laying in the grass, for some reason I keep searching, when I already have what I've been searching for...for some reason I'm striving for attention, when He wants to give me all of His...Why can't my mind wrap itself around this? It would make my life so much better, and yet...still a wall...
Well, I'm off to finish my sandwich and then get some sleep before formal open dorms all day tomorrow...this shall be fun..talk about major stress and awkwardness...I'm really not quite sure that I can do this? I wouldn't be surprised if I have to leave the hall every so often for "cry- breaks"...oh joy! What a fun day this will be :(
Grrrrr...(Self, stop giving Satan a foothold, you're better than that!)
Goodnight
aubs.
ReplyDeletei just want you to know that i love and miss you very very much. i hate that you're going through so much pain. but at the same time...i'm really excited. excited about the woman you are being shaped into that you'll be aware of 10 years from now. excited that you're realizing your inadequacies and that you're burdened by them (that's more than i can say for myself right now). i'm excited to know that i'm not the only one who lays outside in the grass and stares at the sky. i'm going to be praying for you,my dear!!!